I am back!

Back to the blog!  I noticed that the last entry was on August 12, 2011.  Hmmm, maybe there is something about August that makes me want to write.  My birthday?  It does make me a bit introspective.  One of the problems with my birthday, is it is one of those fixed points on my life's time line.  I can look back and remember where I was and what I was doing on that same date over the years.  I am feeling pretty darn good that I can still look back and remember what I was doing.  My memory seems to be growing much weaker than the one I was proud to have.  Maybe the bragging fairies are at work here?  Whatever, the long term memory is still intact.

I have had some really wonderful birthdays.  For a number of years, I would seek out adventures.  I road class 5 rapids on the Ocoee River in N GA.  One year I participated in a fire walk, and ended up with only a tiny blister on the bottom of my foot.  (others were not so lucky).  I have gone camping, mooned the moon, hiked, and drank myself sober on my birthday.  All good memories.  I have spent most birthdays with friends, very few alone....and for that I am grateful.  On my 30th birthday, I was in school getting my master's degree.  My class mates had the cafeteria make blueberry shortcake and bring it to our classroom.....that was special.

People say that getting older is hard to accept.  Thirtieth birthdays seem to be the one when most people experience some anxiety.  I did not.  Getting older has never been something that I cared much about.  I always wanted to get older.  I hung out with older kids, so I wanted to be their age.  I believe I spent most of my childhood and youth wanting to be older for various reasons.  That seemed to stop once I could get into the bars at age 18.  (legally....LOL).  I spent my early child hood wanting to get old enough to go to school.  Then I wanted to get old enough to...write cursive, walk to the store with friends, use a pen, have homework (that one changed fast), go to middle school, get my driver's permit, go to high school, get my driver's license, graduate, become legal....and drink.  (hey I am from Montana, where every other building is a bar, and drinking and driving was a sport).

The other milestones in life were not so much around age, as accomplishments.   Going to college, graduating from college, getting that first job in your chosen career, getting raises....etc.  Mostly when I look back over my life, what stands out most is friends.  Maybe because I am an only child, but friends were always the most important part of my life.  It makes me a bit sad to have lost touch with many friends.  But I suppose that is part of life.

Looking back over the years, I would say I had both a very hard life, and a really good life.  I once did a pastel drawing of my life.  It was abstract, and actually came out as 2 separate pieces.  My friend looked at them and said that no one's life was that diametrically opposed.  Mine was/is.  And for that reason, I am trying to find some balance.

That brings me to my current age.  Not that age has anything to do with this.  I recently wrote on my Face Book time-line, that I was having a hard time reading people's posts about all the good things going on in their lives.  I am having this reaction because Dercum's Disease is taking away the ability to do what I once was capable of doing.  Birthdays are hard.  I am now coming to terms with all this illness is taking away from me.  I look back and realize that I can no longer walk as far, or sit as long, or talk as long.....and I get scared... and sad.

One response left on my time-line is one that I want to respond to in another blog.  (I am not able to sit here long enough to write much more).  The response was basically about finding the positive in the negative.  The comment was about a friend of the writers who is bedridden, and her illness has brought her closer to her Lord, and how she is using that to reach out and inspire others.  She suggests I go to this woman's website.  In many ways I can relate to this.  However, I will not be using references to religion, I will be talking about spirituality.  Having an illness that decreases or stops the ability to move easily on this Earth, does give one the time for introspection.  As I said to someone recently, I am now much more a human being, than a human doing.

If I can commit to writing regularly in this blog, I hope to help readers sit for awhile in my P.J.s...yeah, that sounds bad.....but I was going to write...walk a mile in my shoes....but that doesn't work.  LOL    I am hoping to bring more awareness to Dercum's Disease, and what it is like to live with a rare illness in a rural setting.  But, I also hope to grow through this writing.  I am trying to figure out who I am.  I can tell you easily who I am not, or who I am no longer.....but who I am, well that is in the infancy stage.  And there you have it....back to birth.   I hope I can keep this interesting enough to not completely bore you.  But then again, if that is the case.....read it before bed!!!  LOL  Good night....

A Year Older, and Wider...no that isn't a typo LOL

So, it is over. My birthday. Another one under my belt. It turned out to be quite nice. A friend called and we went to a local restaurant for brunch, and then walked over to the farmer's market. I spent much of the rest of the day on the phone with friends and family, and reading all the wonderful birthday wishes on FB, and a couple other sites I participate in on the world wide web! And finally, a big surprise....I was chillin' on the couch about to fall asleep, when someone knocked on the door. It was a couple of my neighbors, one who made home made chicken veggie soup, and the other who made cupcakes for me!!! What a nice surprise that was!!! So, a day that I thought was going to be spent alone, turned out to be filled with love, well wishes, and nourishment of body and soul. I feel lucky!

So, I am another year older, and as they say....wiser. (One can only hope)! But, like I wrote in the title, wider. Partly I am talking about the cupcakes, and the brunch and my own little treat to myself yesterday, a pint of Ben & Jerry's......yes, that will certainly make me "wider", but I also mean it in another way.

I am hoping that as I get older, I continue to grow. I hope that I can widen my views on what is happening around me. I hope that the way I treat people grows each and every day to push out anything but loving kindness. I hope to broaden my awareness of our cultural differences, political views, spiritual paths, and know and honor that there is a grain of truth in each of our perspectives, and it is that "melting pot" that makes us such an interesting landscape. And what I want to widen to as large as it could possible grow is my love and compassion for all sentient beings.

What i know is going to continue to get wider, and what I wish I could widen my acceptance of, is my hips...LOL. You see, I am sure some of you reading this will say, that is easy, watch what goes in, and expend more energy than that......well, yes.....but, for those of us who have fat disorders, we know, it is not that easy.....so, I hope to widen the research and acceptance of those of us who are struggling with these illnesses, and the stigmas that go along with it.

Ok, and finally....what I have been trying to widen, is my view of who I am. I am not who I dreamed of being, I am not who I planned on being, and I am not who I want to be. So, who am I? I am someone who has had to figure out how to be fluid and flexible with an illness that is taking away all my preconceived versions and visions of me! So, in my post birthday packing for the next trip around the sun....I have packed only one major goal.

I want to have an art show by this time next year! There are many lessons that could come from this goal, so I think it is a good one. Like for instance...will I allow myself to buy some of the materials I need? Or will I do what I usually do, and decide that the money should go to other aspects of my life. No, this year, I feed my creativity. I hope that my creativity widens to take over my life. Many have said to me that my healing will come from my art. It is time!

So, here is to a year of widening an aspect of me that I have kept rather thin for awhile, my creativity. And hopefully, for my next year's birthday, that of the double 5, you will be attending an art show. Hmmm, I wonder if I should book it now?