Ok, another blog that is basically a rant, as I have to write about this or I will just wallow in it, so may as well get it out.....I can't sleep. I have had sleep problems for many years, but this is a little bit different. Yes, no sleep can make for some interesting thoughts and behaviors. Sometimes it is even funny....like when you fall asleep while writing to someone in chat.....but it isn't all funny.
I have these lipomas all over my body. The ones that hurt the worst are on my upper thighs/hip region, my rib cage, and my abdomen. These things cause excrutiating pain. They burn, sting, feel like a deep bruise, and basically don't let up. They are worse when they are first forming. Then, they seem to come and go, or more realistically, they swell and hurt and then go down and don't hurt as badly. But, they are a literal pain!
The worst, and what is causing me to come here and cry, is trying to sleep. I can not find a comfortable position to save my life! I have always been a side sleeper, almost all my life....I can no longer do this. When I am so totally exhausted that I do fall asleep, I tend to roll onto my side and then YOWZA....I am wide awake because it feels like I have been stabbed. The lipomas in my upper/outter thighs (hip area), are very painful to the touch.
I also have these little pockets of fat filled pain on and around my lower spine. (where arthritis is also present). So, laying on my back is also one exercise in futility. I can sometimes find a partial sitting up position to be somewhat comfortable. This is the way I can usually fall asleep, and why I tend to fall asleep while I am on the computer, or watching TV. But, and maybe I should say butt.....there is also tailbone pain. When this strikes, it absolutely takes my breath away. It feels like vice grips are squeezing my tail bone. I don't know if this is caused by lipomas or if it is something else, but this pain would have me running to the ER if it lasts much more than an hour....luckily, it hasn't, or has responded to pain killers.
Ok, so I can't sleep on my side, or back...well......the lipomas around my rib cage, and lower (mostly) and upper abdomen area are also screaming their little fatty tumor heads off. The other day I was visiting yet another specialist, this one the gastroenterologist....and he was doing his exam and said "Oh, it feels like you have a hernia, has any one told you that?" I told him I thought it was a lipoma, as they are everywhere if he continues to feel around....he did, while I bit my tongue and winced. He just looked as me with a strange kind of puzzled look on his face. I told him what I think these are, and he said "Never heard of that". Well, whatever, but these are what keeps me from sleeping on my stomach.
The other day, I went to a PT. I thought maybe a combination of pool therapy, and a walker may get me able to walk more, get a little more exercise. So, in order to do that, I was subjected to more poking and prodding. He feels all these lumps, and says "Hmmm, what are these?" I tell him and he says...."Never heard of that". I tell him that I know that strengthening muscles are usually the answer to help with pain, and that may be the case here....but what really hurts are the lipomas in my thigh area that seem to be pulled downward by gravity when I am upright and walking. He agreed that the pool is the best place, and wants me to hold off on the walker. I am ok with holding off on the walker, and I LOVE pool therapy.....but, will it make the pain of the lipomas go away? Not sure, and of course, since he had "never heard of that"...how can he answer that.
To make a long story short, since I have been in the hospital, I now have 3 rare illnesses. One may have cleared up following knee surgery a few years ago.....that would be great, as apparently PVNS is difficult to get rid of. My diagnosis after being in the hospital are some kind of myositis, and rhabdomyolysis. I don't know that much about the latter, but the former is....you guessed it...rare! But, most of these specialists have heard about this diagnosis.....
Ok, now here comes the diagnosis that no one knows about...Dercum's Disease. It is the fatty tumors, the lipomas, and possibly inflammation in the fat cells. I wish it would be easy to lose weight and make it go away, but it doesn't work that way.....so, since no one really knows what it is, no one knows how to treat it.....no one is coming up with any way to help me with it....
There is one doctor in the US who researches and understands this disease. She is in San Diego. I am trying to figure out how to get to San Diego to see her. It isn't easy with no money. But, where there is a will, there is a way.
But until then, I guess I will continue to toss and turn trying to find a comfortable way to exist in this world....yes, I didn't say sleep, as it is not just trying to sleep, it is trying to live.....I toss and turn even when standing up! I will continue to have to toss away and turn down invitations to parties, get togethers, movies, etc.......I will continue to have a social life that is mostly on the computer and phone. (thank God for those friends who have stuck by me, and who call and keep in touch with me. I am an extrovert, I like to be around most people, this forced isolation makes it difficult to remain positive and content in my world. The adventure of never knowing how I am going to feel each day, makes planning anything in advance almost impossible).
Until then I will continue to try to forget about those comments, those experiences like the one at the pharmacy...because the only thing I have found that makes my life a little more tolerable is narcotic pain meds. There are two kind of responses when people find out I am on narcotics....either they hold out their hand, or they become judgmental. That makes me want to cry. (Again, I thank God for those friends who understand, and do not challenge me, or suggest a better way to deal with pain, as in the many years I have been dealing with this, there really isn't much I have not already tried. The odd thing about this illness I have, different approaches work, for awhile, then seem to quit. I have tried naturopathic, chiropractic, homeopathic, energy healing, many many different kinds of medications, meditation, physical therapy, prayer, art therapy, talk therapy including CBT, EMDR, narrative, and other approaches, and massage.....whew....and I am not sure that exhausted that list).
So, I will continue to try to educate, to explain, to ignore, those who can't possibly understand what it is I am going through, because they have "never heard of that".
Showing posts with label chronic pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chronic pain. Show all posts
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
now what?
Hello again. Well, I guess it is back to the drawing board once again. I went to the rheumatologist (I can't ever spell that right), today, and she was really nice, but yet again, I am coming away sans diagnosis. Well, I have a little one, possible metabolic myositis, which is very rare. She thinks, and I hope, that this last episode that landed me in the hosptial twice, may have been some funky reaction to meds that I have been on for years, but just "turned against me". Basically, these are statins for high cholesterol levels. She is going to suggest to my doctor, (but said that if it were her, she may just wait to see if I have another episode), that there is an expert in this at Dartmouth that I could go see. I think I will wait. I really don't care anymore.
I continue to think that what I am having is a combination of ehlers daniels syndrom (EDS), fibromyalgia, and dercums, with a smattering of osteoarthritis thrown in for fun. At first she said that my knees showed no signs of arthritis, (from her physical exam), but then I told her my MRI and orthopedic surgeon say differently. She pulled up the MRI, and said...."well look at that, you do". However, because I am sooooo flexible, it just doesn't look like I have stiffness like you would find in typical arthritis knees. Yep, that would be the EDS, which she agreed. So, I am relieved and also kind of mad. It is that strange place of wanting it to be something that can be treated, so it will go away, and glad it is nothing that is serious and can be treated but means more meds, more tests, etc.
Because she was so nice, I decided to ask her some other questions, like....can this just be some strange genetic mutation that is just me? She shrugged. I am beginning to think this. This happens all the times, and I drive doctors crazy. I get these whacked out lab results, or test results, then months, weeks, days, hours later....they are back to normal. Amazing healing abilities? Maybe. Ok, here is where it is going to get either very informative, strange, or entertaining.....but, I think I am the liver of the world!
Really! Sometimes, I think that everything just passes through me, and I heal it...but in the meantime, I pick it up. Is that really any crazier than dercum's, or fibromyalgia, or the common cold? My whole life has been about suffering. I won't bore all of you with why I say that, I am sure some of you who have known me would agree, and others are scratching your heads and wondering WTH is she talking about. The fact, that I think my whole life has been about suffering, yet here I am, fairly intact. Fairly able to laugh with the best of them, and avoid crying with most of them....well, I think that says something. Does it say I am strong? maybe Does it say I am just nuts? maybe Does it say that I am just focusing on the bad, and maybe everyone has this, I just pay more attention to it....(believe me, I have heard this).....well, that I don't think so.
So, now we go back to the narcotic pain killers. Do I need them? Well, I think so, but then again, how would I know, as apparently they trick you into thinking you need them. That is the "current thinking", so says many of the docs. Well, I am about at the point of saying, "OK, lets give that a try". God bless me for even thinking this! I know what my life is like without these evil little pills. It SUCKS. But, ok, maybe THEY have a point, and I do not know what I am doing. If I can pull up any amount of bravery, the next time I see my PCP.....I just may explore this, and do an experiment. If he will agree to detox me in the most unpainful way possible (I have been on these things for years, I don't think detox will be pretty) even if that means some rehab (and hopefully one that can work with chronic pain, not just chronic abusers of meds), then I might, just might agree to do a little experiment. If I do this, I don't think you can expect me to be very "around", but who knows....maybe it will be the answer. I don't know. I am just as confused as everyone else.
In my heart of hearts, I don't think that what I have is your common garden variety fibromyalgia. I just don't. I do think it explains some of my symptoms. I think that Dercum's explains many of my symptoms too. But, I just want my life back. Ok, so if it is the narcotics that are robbing me from my life....then lets get rid of them (she, the nice new doc suggested this may be the case, but did say that with, well, that is what is in the literature currently) hmmmm, I wonder, how much influence does the DEA have with that literature? But, who am i to question those who "know"?
I certainly have well meaning friends and family who think I should get off those "horrible" things. I don't know, who are they listening to? They are what makes me functional. But, right now I am barely functional with them, so why not go whole hog non-functional and see what happens? Well, fear for one answer. Pain is not easy to live with my friends (as many of you know), I fear that I will just "go away". I can leave my body pretty fast, and my fear is that I may choose to leave it, and just not return. No, I am not talking suicide or anything like that, I am just talking the ability to disassociate. I learned that as a child. Nice tool to have if you don't mind sitting and staring into space with a blank look on your face.
This is such an ever lasting, on going, time consuming battle in my head. And people think we like to take these meds! I don't know. This is yet again, one of those posts that I should probably chalk up to, getting my ya ya's out, and not for public consumption....but then again, I know not just me struggles with these issues. I bet, there are many of us out there who would just like to have a life that is filled with love, laughter, joy, happiness, contentment.....isn't that what everyone wants. Ok, now I am crying.....for I just don't see that in my future. Not to the degree that I want it. I see me coping with this pain, I see me having moments of joy and happiness, and of course laughter (cuz I love me some laughter), but I don't see it as sustainable. That is what scares me. NO, THIS IS NOT DEPRESSION SPEAKING....I think it is reality speaking. I so want to work again, to be out amongst the public, as most of you know, I am pretty darned extroverted (except when the pain and fatigue make me very darned introverted, but that is more like a forced state of being). But, I don't see that happening. I used to. I used to think that there was something i could do......but, that hope has slipped away. Well wait, not that it has totally slipped, I mean, I don't ever seeing me doing the kinds of jobs that I want to do. There is probably something I can do, if it is very flexible and accomodating????
Ok, I can't take up anymore of your, or my time with this......one of these days, there will be someone who will come up with an answer. Patience, is something that I have. In fact maybe to a fault....but right now, there are Monks in Tibet praying for me, who don't even know me, there are people who are working to figure out what is going on with our bodies/psyches/souls and how they all connect.....I think they will figure it out one day. Until then, I will continue to pray, to be a "liver" if that is my job, and to hopefully keep laughing.....cuz that really is the only medicine I like to take!
I continue to think that what I am having is a combination of ehlers daniels syndrom (EDS), fibromyalgia, and dercums, with a smattering of osteoarthritis thrown in for fun. At first she said that my knees showed no signs of arthritis, (from her physical exam), but then I told her my MRI and orthopedic surgeon say differently. She pulled up the MRI, and said...."well look at that, you do". However, because I am sooooo flexible, it just doesn't look like I have stiffness like you would find in typical arthritis knees. Yep, that would be the EDS, which she agreed. So, I am relieved and also kind of mad. It is that strange place of wanting it to be something that can be treated, so it will go away, and glad it is nothing that is serious and can be treated but means more meds, more tests, etc.
Because she was so nice, I decided to ask her some other questions, like....can this just be some strange genetic mutation that is just me? She shrugged. I am beginning to think this. This happens all the times, and I drive doctors crazy. I get these whacked out lab results, or test results, then months, weeks, days, hours later....they are back to normal. Amazing healing abilities? Maybe. Ok, here is where it is going to get either very informative, strange, or entertaining.....but, I think I am the liver of the world!
Really! Sometimes, I think that everything just passes through me, and I heal it...but in the meantime, I pick it up. Is that really any crazier than dercum's, or fibromyalgia, or the common cold? My whole life has been about suffering. I won't bore all of you with why I say that, I am sure some of you who have known me would agree, and others are scratching your heads and wondering WTH is she talking about. The fact, that I think my whole life has been about suffering, yet here I am, fairly intact. Fairly able to laugh with the best of them, and avoid crying with most of them....well, I think that says something. Does it say I am strong? maybe Does it say I am just nuts? maybe Does it say that I am just focusing on the bad, and maybe everyone has this, I just pay more attention to it....(believe me, I have heard this).....well, that I don't think so.
So, now we go back to the narcotic pain killers. Do I need them? Well, I think so, but then again, how would I know, as apparently they trick you into thinking you need them. That is the "current thinking", so says many of the docs. Well, I am about at the point of saying, "OK, lets give that a try". God bless me for even thinking this! I know what my life is like without these evil little pills. It SUCKS. But, ok, maybe THEY have a point, and I do not know what I am doing. If I can pull up any amount of bravery, the next time I see my PCP.....I just may explore this, and do an experiment. If he will agree to detox me in the most unpainful way possible (I have been on these things for years, I don't think detox will be pretty) even if that means some rehab (and hopefully one that can work with chronic pain, not just chronic abusers of meds), then I might, just might agree to do a little experiment. If I do this, I don't think you can expect me to be very "around", but who knows....maybe it will be the answer. I don't know. I am just as confused as everyone else.
In my heart of hearts, I don't think that what I have is your common garden variety fibromyalgia. I just don't. I do think it explains some of my symptoms. I think that Dercum's explains many of my symptoms too. But, I just want my life back. Ok, so if it is the narcotics that are robbing me from my life....then lets get rid of them (she, the nice new doc suggested this may be the case, but did say that with, well, that is what is in the literature currently) hmmmm, I wonder, how much influence does the DEA have with that literature? But, who am i to question those who "know"?
I certainly have well meaning friends and family who think I should get off those "horrible" things. I don't know, who are they listening to? They are what makes me functional. But, right now I am barely functional with them, so why not go whole hog non-functional and see what happens? Well, fear for one answer. Pain is not easy to live with my friends (as many of you know), I fear that I will just "go away". I can leave my body pretty fast, and my fear is that I may choose to leave it, and just not return. No, I am not talking suicide or anything like that, I am just talking the ability to disassociate. I learned that as a child. Nice tool to have if you don't mind sitting and staring into space with a blank look on your face.
This is such an ever lasting, on going, time consuming battle in my head. And people think we like to take these meds! I don't know. This is yet again, one of those posts that I should probably chalk up to, getting my ya ya's out, and not for public consumption....but then again, I know not just me struggles with these issues. I bet, there are many of us out there who would just like to have a life that is filled with love, laughter, joy, happiness, contentment.....isn't that what everyone wants. Ok, now I am crying.....for I just don't see that in my future. Not to the degree that I want it. I see me coping with this pain, I see me having moments of joy and happiness, and of course laughter (cuz I love me some laughter), but I don't see it as sustainable. That is what scares me. NO, THIS IS NOT DEPRESSION SPEAKING....I think it is reality speaking. I so want to work again, to be out amongst the public, as most of you know, I am pretty darned extroverted (except when the pain and fatigue make me very darned introverted, but that is more like a forced state of being). But, I don't see that happening. I used to. I used to think that there was something i could do......but, that hope has slipped away. Well wait, not that it has totally slipped, I mean, I don't ever seeing me doing the kinds of jobs that I want to do. There is probably something I can do, if it is very flexible and accomodating????
Ok, I can't take up anymore of your, or my time with this......one of these days, there will be someone who will come up with an answer. Patience, is something that I have. In fact maybe to a fault....but right now, there are Monks in Tibet praying for me, who don't even know me, there are people who are working to figure out what is going on with our bodies/psyches/souls and how they all connect.....I think they will figure it out one day. Until then, I will continue to pray, to be a "liver" if that is my job, and to hopefully keep laughing.....cuz that really is the only medicine I like to take!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Down dooby do Down Down!!!
well, I guess I have to admit it. Life just isn't that much fun sometimes. Even when I would like to come here and say that although I am sick, i can make light of it. Or, I can find things that make me realize that I am still lucky to be alive. well, my friends, today is not one of those days.
After my last blog, I am happy (I think) to say that I slept for almost 23 hours straight. My animals woke me up to remind me that they like to eat, but other than that....I slept. Yes, if you have been following this, or my face book entries, you know that I probably needed this kind of sleep. But, I woke up, and I was not feeling good. In fact, all I could really think about was how come I have to endure this kind of pain, and this life filled with chronic 24/7 pain, fatigue that actually hurts, and weakness that is now causing more issues for me to deal with. (mainly, I can no longer get in and out of my bath tub). I am having a full on pity party today. I wrote on FB status....."I am having a bad day, and it is only 6:25am"...or something like that. It is now 2:30 in the afternoon, and things are just marginally better.
I really don't know if anyone is reading this, no one has left any comments for awhile, but still....I will write. I usually want to write something positive, but today, I just can't. well, I could, but I would be lying. I am sick to death of having to live a life of coping. Of trying to keep my chin up and pretend I am happy, because that is what society wants me to be. Well, I guess that is what I want to be too, but it just isn't a happening thing. I go on face book, or read e-mail or run into people I know, who all have stories. They all are going somewhere exciting for vacation, they are getting married, having babies, getting engaged, finding a new relationship, buying a new house....etc. Yippee. I want to be happy for them, usually I am happy for them....today, i am sad for myself.
I think what makes it worse, is I just had a couple of good days. Then the crash. You think by now I would be used to this. It happens. It will always happen. I think this is a little different than your typical good day bad day scenario if you don't have some kind of chronic illness. I think when you have a chronic illness, there is this false hope that when the good days are there, the illness is easing up. Maybe even leaving your body. But then, it comes crashing down around you again, just to remind you.....you are sick.
Today I went to my doctor's office. I love them. There, I find the most compassionate people in my universe. They listen, they give me the meds I need to get me through this rough spot, and then they say...."don't worry, you will feel better". Will I? Really, will I? I don't think so. Not anymore. I used to. I used to have this hope that things would eventually get better, but now I think I have to face the reality....it just isn't going to happen. Yes, I am going to have good days. But, when I think of what good days mean to me now....it just makes me feel sad. I now get excited when I have a day where I can stand at the sink long enough to do a whole sink of dishes, and cook a good meal. I think a good day is when I can rest long enough to go out and do some social type event...but knowing I will pay for it for the next couple of days. Those are my good days now. Think of it, if you are reading this and do not have a chronic illness...think of what makes you think you had a good day. I bet washing dishes isn't high on that list.
Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. Luckily, I don't get into this place too often. I can usually look at my life and realize, even though it isn't great, it is much better than some. But today, it just feels like it doesn't matter any more. Why should I try any more? Yuck....I hate these kinds of days.
Ok, here is why I am writing this. I know, that many of you, if there is actually any of you reading this, have chronic illnesses.....I know that you get into days that feel this way too. I decided to write this because i think it is normal to feel this way. I told the P.A. I saw today, that I have a guide to if this is depression, or just situational. If in two weeks, I feel this way still...well then, maybe it is time to look at some happy pills. But, for now, I think it is just your basic pity party...that most people would keep to themselves. But, here I am, writing out mine for the world to see.
Unfortunately, a few people have been on the receiving end of this current melt down. Probably, they are not going to read this, but i feel like I need to aplogize for that. I really don't mean to have my emotions bleed out onto everyone and everything. But, sometimes, it just happens. I know too, that maybe it didn't seem like such a big deal to you, but to me, I feel ashamed. I don't want people to be affected by my crap. (namely, John, Lisa, and Sarah).
Ok, maybe, I will just go crawl under a rock for a few days, lick my wounds, and return to be happy and witty and full of insight and love for you all to read. Or maybe I will continue to bleed out my emotions all over this blog. After all, it may just be a cathartic exercise for myself anyway.
Life isn't so good right now. Maybe the meds will kick in, and then at least the pain level will decrease. But, I wish what would increase is the love i know that is out there, but just seems to be stopping at some barrier I have constructed. I mean just the other day, I was so impressed and so in awe of how nice some of my friends where to me. And what has changed? Nothing, but my own perceptions. Why? But right now, i feel so isolated, so unable to be loved. It is driving me crazy, because I know it isn't true.
Ah heck....I am tired of writing...it isn't helping.....I wish I could figure out what would. Have any ideas? I know I should not hit the publish post button, but what the heck.....here it goes....
After my last blog, I am happy (I think) to say that I slept for almost 23 hours straight. My animals woke me up to remind me that they like to eat, but other than that....I slept. Yes, if you have been following this, or my face book entries, you know that I probably needed this kind of sleep. But, I woke up, and I was not feeling good. In fact, all I could really think about was how come I have to endure this kind of pain, and this life filled with chronic 24/7 pain, fatigue that actually hurts, and weakness that is now causing more issues for me to deal with. (mainly, I can no longer get in and out of my bath tub). I am having a full on pity party today. I wrote on FB status....."I am having a bad day, and it is only 6:25am"...or something like that. It is now 2:30 in the afternoon, and things are just marginally better.
I really don't know if anyone is reading this, no one has left any comments for awhile, but still....I will write. I usually want to write something positive, but today, I just can't. well, I could, but I would be lying. I am sick to death of having to live a life of coping. Of trying to keep my chin up and pretend I am happy, because that is what society wants me to be. Well, I guess that is what I want to be too, but it just isn't a happening thing. I go on face book, or read e-mail or run into people I know, who all have stories. They all are going somewhere exciting for vacation, they are getting married, having babies, getting engaged, finding a new relationship, buying a new house....etc. Yippee. I want to be happy for them, usually I am happy for them....today, i am sad for myself.
I think what makes it worse, is I just had a couple of good days. Then the crash. You think by now I would be used to this. It happens. It will always happen. I think this is a little different than your typical good day bad day scenario if you don't have some kind of chronic illness. I think when you have a chronic illness, there is this false hope that when the good days are there, the illness is easing up. Maybe even leaving your body. But then, it comes crashing down around you again, just to remind you.....you are sick.
Today I went to my doctor's office. I love them. There, I find the most compassionate people in my universe. They listen, they give me the meds I need to get me through this rough spot, and then they say...."don't worry, you will feel better". Will I? Really, will I? I don't think so. Not anymore. I used to. I used to have this hope that things would eventually get better, but now I think I have to face the reality....it just isn't going to happen. Yes, I am going to have good days. But, when I think of what good days mean to me now....it just makes me feel sad. I now get excited when I have a day where I can stand at the sink long enough to do a whole sink of dishes, and cook a good meal. I think a good day is when I can rest long enough to go out and do some social type event...but knowing I will pay for it for the next couple of days. Those are my good days now. Think of it, if you are reading this and do not have a chronic illness...think of what makes you think you had a good day. I bet washing dishes isn't high on that list.
Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. Luckily, I don't get into this place too often. I can usually look at my life and realize, even though it isn't great, it is much better than some. But today, it just feels like it doesn't matter any more. Why should I try any more? Yuck....I hate these kinds of days.
Ok, here is why I am writing this. I know, that many of you, if there is actually any of you reading this, have chronic illnesses.....I know that you get into days that feel this way too. I decided to write this because i think it is normal to feel this way. I told the P.A. I saw today, that I have a guide to if this is depression, or just situational. If in two weeks, I feel this way still...well then, maybe it is time to look at some happy pills. But, for now, I think it is just your basic pity party...that most people would keep to themselves. But, here I am, writing out mine for the world to see.
Unfortunately, a few people have been on the receiving end of this current melt down. Probably, they are not going to read this, but i feel like I need to aplogize for that. I really don't mean to have my emotions bleed out onto everyone and everything. But, sometimes, it just happens. I know too, that maybe it didn't seem like such a big deal to you, but to me, I feel ashamed. I don't want people to be affected by my crap. (namely, John, Lisa, and Sarah).
Ok, maybe, I will just go crawl under a rock for a few days, lick my wounds, and return to be happy and witty and full of insight and love for you all to read. Or maybe I will continue to bleed out my emotions all over this blog. After all, it may just be a cathartic exercise for myself anyway.
Life isn't so good right now. Maybe the meds will kick in, and then at least the pain level will decrease. But, I wish what would increase is the love i know that is out there, but just seems to be stopping at some barrier I have constructed. I mean just the other day, I was so impressed and so in awe of how nice some of my friends where to me. And what has changed? Nothing, but my own perceptions. Why? But right now, i feel so isolated, so unable to be loved. It is driving me crazy, because I know it isn't true.
Ah heck....I am tired of writing...it isn't helping.....I wish I could figure out what would. Have any ideas? I know I should not hit the publish post button, but what the heck.....here it goes....
Friday, July 9, 2010
Commentaires and Colonoscopies!
I am having fun with the colors of the fonts. I am thinking this one may be kind of hard to read, but I am kind of a zork head right now, and to me it just looks pretty.
Ok, today, the day I have been looking forward to, I have been waiting for, I have been dreaming about....it is over.....the dreaded colonoscopy! I know, everyone who has had one says the prep is the worst, and since I have had about 5 or more of them over my life time, I agreed, (until today).
I won't (funny right this moment the guys from "two and a half men" are doing a commercial for a colonoscopy right now)....anyway, I won't go into details here, cuz that would just be wrong.....but the meds that I were so looking forward to, the ones that give you that blissful sleep.....apparently no longer work for me. I was awake (more or less), and feeling every painful inch of that hose! Even the doctor apologized when he came in to tell me he found nothing (yeah for that)...but now I am thinking.....why the heck did he go on with it, when I remember begging him to stop.
Years ago, i had one and was totally awake, just a little valium to calm me down, and it didn't hurt like this one. I wonder if now that they are used to having being be out, so they don't feel it, they get a little more rough. Anyway, it hurt like hell, it is over, and he said I don't need another one for 10 years!!!! For that I am very happy!!!
Ok, really didn't like that color, so here is the rest of the story...what ever that may be? Now, I only have one more visit to another doctor, and they will hopefully put this all together and find out what this is i am going through. I hate to say this, and I know it will sound negative, but: I am thinking they are going to find nothing diagnosable....again! This seems to happen every two years or so. I get really sick, my lab work gets all wacky and then suddenly gets better. Then we are left to the head scratchin' I am kind of surprised my doctor still has a whole head of hair! This last one was the most serious set of symptoms I have experienced to date, but I think it will be chalked up to another case of maryitis. Yes, I am just allergic to myself! what a thought huh?
Too bad there is not a sexy nature to this as there is to young college women, i could make money..."immune system gone wild"....it is like every two years, my immune system goes on this vacation, it eats everything in site, has a huge old party, and does not clean up after itself. Then whatever parts of my body that is left to clean up after them, just decides that is a good time to go on strike. So there, that is what is going on....have not idea what that would be in doctory terms, but I bet that is it. I can see it, all those little beer cans, drink umbrellas, drug paraphernalia, dirty wet beach clothes......the kidneys just say WHOA WTF? I am out of here, I am going on a mediation retreat, leave me alone, I just want to sit her and not have to process anything....I will just watch it all going by, like the clouds. Yep, that is what is going on in my body. And like I said, to bad some B rate film maker wouldn't think that would be fun and sexy for all of us to watch, and make a film, and then I could get rich.....I mean, besides a kick ass social worker...i can't think of what else I got out of this last experience!
Another topic, another color: so, after the dreaded colonoscopy....what should I do, but have my friend drive me to the art store, and I got lots of materials (free mind you) to start doing more of the yarn paintings. Well, not all of it was free, but I have got a great discount on all aspects of getting the materials. I bought the "yarn" (which I put in quotes as it is not really yarn, but I will leave you in suspense until the first piece come out), and got a huge discount on it (just because the woman and counter decided at that moment to be nice, she took off $7.00 from the total price, so instead of 16.00 of materials, I only paid $7.00!!!! Then, I went to get the wax, because the wax I thought i could use, was not 100% beeswax (I did batik for years, so I have lots of that around here), so when I went to the counter, the guy said "Wow, we just put this on sale, it is 20% off! Then the biggest coo ( not sure if that is how that is spelled), I was standing there and they carried a whole huge big trash bag full of mat board parts by me, and headed toward the trash. WAIT!!! "is that going to the trash?" So, guess what came to me for no money? he he he he.......I believe that the muses are on my side! I am so excited to get back to doing art work. How could have I ignored this part of me for so long? Maybe why i am sick. maybe if i can go back to being creative in action, not just thought.....maybe those body parts will not think they have to go on a kick ass party ever so often just to get their ya ya's out. Maybe, just maybe, they will be so happy, they will all work together and the healing will be begin. Lets hope!
Ok, today, the day I have been looking forward to, I have been waiting for, I have been dreaming about....it is over.....the dreaded colonoscopy! I know, everyone who has had one says the prep is the worst, and since I have had about 5 or more of them over my life time, I agreed, (until today).
I won't (funny right this moment the guys from "two and a half men" are doing a commercial for a colonoscopy right now)....anyway, I won't go into details here, cuz that would just be wrong.....but the meds that I were so looking forward to, the ones that give you that blissful sleep.....apparently no longer work for me. I was awake (more or less), and feeling every painful inch of that hose! Even the doctor apologized when he came in to tell me he found nothing (yeah for that)...but now I am thinking.....why the heck did he go on with it, when I remember begging him to stop.
Years ago, i had one and was totally awake, just a little valium to calm me down, and it didn't hurt like this one. I wonder if now that they are used to having being be out, so they don't feel it, they get a little more rough. Anyway, it hurt like hell, it is over, and he said I don't need another one for 10 years!!!! For that I am very happy!!!
Ok, really didn't like that color, so here is the rest of the story...what ever that may be? Now, I only have one more visit to another doctor, and they will hopefully put this all together and find out what this is i am going through. I hate to say this, and I know it will sound negative, but: I am thinking they are going to find nothing diagnosable....again! This seems to happen every two years or so. I get really sick, my lab work gets all wacky and then suddenly gets better. Then we are left to the head scratchin' I am kind of surprised my doctor still has a whole head of hair! This last one was the most serious set of symptoms I have experienced to date, but I think it will be chalked up to another case of maryitis. Yes, I am just allergic to myself! what a thought huh?
Too bad there is not a sexy nature to this as there is to young college women, i could make money..."immune system gone wild"....it is like every two years, my immune system goes on this vacation, it eats everything in site, has a huge old party, and does not clean up after itself. Then whatever parts of my body that is left to clean up after them, just decides that is a good time to go on strike. So there, that is what is going on....have not idea what that would be in doctory terms, but I bet that is it. I can see it, all those little beer cans, drink umbrellas, drug paraphernalia, dirty wet beach clothes......the kidneys just say WHOA WTF? I am out of here, I am going on a mediation retreat, leave me alone, I just want to sit her and not have to process anything....I will just watch it all going by, like the clouds. Yep, that is what is going on in my body. And like I said, to bad some B rate film maker wouldn't think that would be fun and sexy for all of us to watch, and make a film, and then I could get rich.....I mean, besides a kick ass social worker...i can't think of what else I got out of this last experience!
Another topic, another color: so, after the dreaded colonoscopy....what should I do, but have my friend drive me to the art store, and I got lots of materials (free mind you) to start doing more of the yarn paintings. Well, not all of it was free, but I have got a great discount on all aspects of getting the materials. I bought the "yarn" (which I put in quotes as it is not really yarn, but I will leave you in suspense until the first piece come out), and got a huge discount on it (just because the woman and counter decided at that moment to be nice, she took off $7.00 from the total price, so instead of 16.00 of materials, I only paid $7.00!!!! Then, I went to get the wax, because the wax I thought i could use, was not 100% beeswax (I did batik for years, so I have lots of that around here), so when I went to the counter, the guy said "Wow, we just put this on sale, it is 20% off! Then the biggest coo ( not sure if that is how that is spelled), I was standing there and they carried a whole huge big trash bag full of mat board parts by me, and headed toward the trash. WAIT!!! "is that going to the trash?" So, guess what came to me for no money? he he he he.......I believe that the muses are on my side! I am so excited to get back to doing art work. How could have I ignored this part of me for so long? Maybe why i am sick. maybe if i can go back to being creative in action, not just thought.....maybe those body parts will not think they have to go on a kick ass party ever so often just to get their ya ya's out. Maybe, just maybe, they will be so happy, they will all work together and the healing will be begin. Lets hope!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Pyrotechnics and Pain...
I think I took about 100 pictures of the fireworks, but this is the only one that turned out well. Digital cameras and fireworks take some getting used to! Timing is everything apparently.
But, this is is the story of how i spent the day of honoring that on some date many many years ago, we gained our independence from England. At least I think that is what it is about. Bad little American!!! So, I gave it a little thought, but to be honest, not much. Don't start getting all mad at me yet, if you are of the ilk to care about these kind of things. But first, I was going to explain what at least about oh maybe 500? people did with me to celebrate this day. I went to Thunder Road. For those of you who are not from around these here parts, Thunder Road (other wise known as "the nation's site of excitement") is our local stock car race track. I appologize to anyone who knows the actual name of what this race track is, I am not sure if they are really stock cars....
Last year, one of my friends told me that she had always wanted to go there. However she did not think anyone would agree to go with her. You see, there is a little bit of a reputation amongst some, that this kind of entertainment is for a class of people that would be labeled redneck. In fact kind of hard core redneck, so her friend base being those who most would most likely be considered "old hippie" types, usually are not into heading off to see cars riding round and round a track. Well, I am pretty much always up for an adventure. Back in my younger days my motto was: "I will try anything, once!...except for heroin!". That sense of adventure continues to this day, although believe me, the things that I will agree to do these days has more to do with what I CAN DO, more that what I WANT TO DO! LOL So, I agreed to go with her. And, we discovered, it was fun!
I am not sure what is more fun for me, the people watching, the actual almost visceral excitment of the cars themselves as they race by, or Al's French Fries (again for those of you who are not from round these parts, Al's French Fries are Fabulous!!! There are theories about what makes them so good, but whatever it is, they are to die for), or for the actual entertainment of the announcers who are funny, and the special events that just make it fun. Whatever it is, we found ourselves going a number of times last summer.
This was met by some eyebrow raising and soapbox preaching by a number of my friends too. I got all the lectures about how in an era where we are all freaking out about being "green" this one event that actual uses the evil petroleum as a necessity. And then there is the smell of the oil, the roar of the engines...blah blah blah. Yep, there is all that stuff, but still, I think it is fun!
So, this is what we decided to do for the 4th. Unfortunatly the walk just to get inside the gates is quite a hike, not to mention there are some pretty steep little bumps in the sidewalk that lead to the grandstands (for those of you who do know about Thunder Road, yes, I sit in the stands. I no longer have the ability to enjoy the reason for sitting on the grassy knoll which is called Budwiser Hill, and is the only place you can drink adult beverages, or smoke cigarettes). So, the fun and excitement were just not there for me as i sat and watched the people, the cars, and ate the french fries. I was in too much pain.
But, being the trooper I am, I decided that i did want to watch the fire works, so we stayed until the end. I am not sure why, but the fireworks at Thunder Road are the best I have seen almost anywhere in any state or celebration I have attended!! Last year there was also a display (although it was not on the 4th of July), so I knew we were in for a treat if we waited. And we were, they were magnificent! But, like I said above, being in pain so bad that I wanted to throw up, was kind of taking the enjoyment right out of this. And, it just isn't fair. Ok, but here comes the thoughtful part of this blog...
I will even change colors....and for more astute of you, you will notice it is red, white and blue!!!
So what for the pain I was in!! What I had been thinking about most of that day, was the pain other families are feeling during this day. You see, I am from that generation where the Viet Nam war made us so anti war, anti anything to do with war, and for some anti American. I picked up a little of those feelings being of teen age impressionable age. And I wasn't an "old hippie" then. I was more like a baby hippie. And I was confused. Most of the boys my age were not going over to the war, but a few who did were just a few years older. I remember the way they were treated when they came back. Loved for the electronics and drug they got while there, but that was about the extent of how much we cared about and for them.
I am so glad, that while I still think war sucks, and i still wish that we would have no reason to have any of our citizens participating in this war, at least we now realize that what they are doing is to be respected. I may be wrong, (I have moments of that, *tee hee*), but to me the fourth was not about our soldiers, but just about winning our independence in a long ago, some don't even know the name of war......but now, we are celebrating the soldiers. As we were singing the "National Anthem" I remembered that in grade school, we put our hands over our hearts. I don't remember doing that anymore. I looked around, and i saw a few, but very few people with their hands over their hearts. Mostly what I saw was people laughing and talking, trying to keep their children from running off, or crying. I didn't really see too many who were actually paying attention to the words, to the feel of it all. I decided to put my hand on my heart, and low and behold.....I had an experience that surprised me, I started choking up. A tear ran down my cheek.
I don't know why. Is it that for that moment, I felt for all the families who are not celebrating with their loved ones because they are at war, or even worse, will never again celebrate with their families because they did not make it out of the war alive. I don't know, but for that minute or so, I felt something very deep. Then they said "start your engines"....and varooooommmm, the feeling was gone.
Not the pain, oh that was still there, and more intense than ever......but the pain that I live with, it is nothing. It is not like the pain of losing a loved one to a war. Although my pain hurts, and is intense and keeps me from enjoying life, my heart goes out to those with the other pain. I am so sorry that you have to experience that kind of pain. No one should have to experience that. So, on this 4th, I am thinking of you. I am thinking of your pain, not mine!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Wasted days...or how to live with an invisable disability
I just woke up. It is 1:25 in the freaking afternoon! Of course, I think when I fell asleep it was around 9am, but still. I do not like wasting these days of summer. It isn't like I live in a place where we can take these days for granted!
It also isn't like I can say, oh well, I have the rest of the day to go do what I want to do.....it just isn't like that in my world. I just woke up, but it is going to take me at least, and I mean at least, an hour to move easily. My muscles/joints/fat...whatever....is all screaming at me. So, now, I wait for the pain killers to kick in. I should have taken one around 8am, but I missed that one....so now I am paying for it. Maybe you reader, maybe you are too going to pay for it, as I don't think this is going to be a cheery, kind of positive look at how to live with chronic illness/pain kind of post.
I don't think I have explained what it is that is making me feel this way. Partially, that is because no one really knows. I have a plethora of diagnosis, of ideas of well intended friends and family, and of internet based ah ha's. But, lets just go with the current "working" diagnosis (or whatever the plural of diagnose is)....
For many years, I have been going on the diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue, and Fibromyalgia. And before that, it was called fibocitis (but that was just one doctor many years ago who I thought was a quack, mainly because I didn't like that diagnoses, which turned out he was probably right). But, I have been getting worse. I have been telling my doctors that i believe I was getting worse, but...fibromalgia does not get worse, there is no progression to it.....so someone was not correct. (although I love my current doctor, there have been times..........) And of course that someone had to be me....as I don't know my own body, and apparently lab work doesn't lie.
But, I was getting worse. I could feel it. I was not wanting more pain killers so I could get high, that is ridiculous to me, as I don't even get high from the stupid things......but because there are apparently more people out there who do take them to get high,than who actually take them for medical reasons, I must be wrong. I must be wanting more, because those people out there who do get high ask for more, so they can get higher.......no, I JUST WANTED THIS FREAKING PAIN TO STOP. Now, if he were going to write his opinion of this, my doc may see things differently...but here is my take on it: he wanted to believe me, he did believe me.....but then, there are those other medical professionals who are saying look at those drug seekers, beware of those drug seekers.....and then there is the DEA saying....watch out, all those people are drug seekers, all they want is either to get high, or sell those drugs to people getting high......they are bad people all those people on pain killers....watch out.
" But but, this woman is nice, and she seems to be in sooo much pain, but wait, didn't I just give her a prescription the other day, and here she is asking for more...hmmmm, maybe those DEA/drug seeking believing docs are for real............" anyway, that is kind of what I imagine is going on in his head....but I know, the pain/fatigue/weakness was getting worse.
So, it did. It got so worse (I know that is not correct grammar), it landed me in the hospital two times within a 2 week time span.
The first time, they figured it was the narcotics. After all, it looked like an OD, or at the very least, it looked like my kidney's failed because I was so gorked out on the narcotics that I must have forgotten to drink fluids.....(my doctor was on vacation during this episode of my life), so get the kidney's functioning, take her off of her pain killers (well most of them, we don't want any nasty withdrawals going on), and send her home. (oh, how I got to the hospital in the first place, my friend came over the night before and I was not making much sense. So being worried about me, she came over the next day, and found me unresponsive, eyes rolled back in head, doing something that looked like seizing.....she called 911). I didn't believe them, I didn't think I had taken too many pain killers....but I had just been prescribed a more potent, and different kind, so maybe???, but it still just didn't seem right to me, but as we already have established....who am I in this story. anyway? I had read however, that kidney failure can make you delusional, so....I wondered???
Ok, round two: I am not going into the details....but two weeks later, I was feeling so sick, I didn't know if I was dying, or just wanted to....and I really didn't care. I was praying that God would just take me.....but, instead my prayers were answered by putting me in the hospital when my doc, the one who knows and seems to care about me....was on call. And low and behold, he did some sleuthing, and it was not anywhere close to me being on pain killers that was the culprit....but he also had no idea what was. What we do know: my immune system appears to be attacking my muscles, which then makes some kind of enzyme get into my blood stream and when it gets to the kidneys, they say "I can't handle that, I think I will just shut down". (ok, this is my version of the story.....again, I am sure my doc would have a few more words to use, those big doctory words that keep us from understanding what is really going on with our own bodies). But anyway, now I have a new diagnosis, but only a working one, as some of the tests suggest it is, and some say no way.....but for now, lets call it myositis. Oh, and by the way....yes, there is a reason for your pain! And, guess what, the pain killers had nothing to do with this problem, and well looky there.....you are taking them as prescribed. (that is not my doc's voice, again I think he is somewhere close to God at this point (although he doesn't think that, and that is why I like him). But, I have lots of other medical professionals in my head who deserve a good talkin' to! LOL....
Now, just for fun....lets throw in another diagnosis.....this is one I have come up with, and I think my doc believes, but I am not totally sure. I have had these wickedly painful lumps in my body for years. In fact, about 15 years ago, a rather large one formed and was so painful that at times I thought I would pass out. But, yet again, "this person has no idea how her body works, silly little thing, must just be wanting narcotics".......but OMG this thing hurt. They all told me, that it was nothing, it was just a lipoma, a fatty tumor (but of course I would have those, as I was [at the time] more than 100 lbs over weight) and, those don't hurt.....so, go way, and leave us to do some doctorin on those that really have problems. (please know, that my current doc was not in the picture at this time). But a few years later, he was, and by that time, I had named this thing "louis" Louis the Lump. The good doc would ask ever so often about louis, but, he could not figure out exactly what louis was, as lipomas don't hurt. well, yes they do....according to the internet and a diagnosis called "dercum's disease". It is listed as #3 on the NORD list. Which NORD stands for National Organization of Rare Diseases. (There are quite a few of us who have this, and we are banding together...so watch out you disbelievers!!!).
Ok, so there is my entirely too long explanation of why you will be reading (I hope) this blog of what do to when your body gives up on you (funny, that song to the show "COPS" was just being sung to what I just wrote: bad bod, bad bod, what ya going to do? what you going to do when it gives up on you, bad bod..." he he...
So, I am still going through tests, and being referred to other docs who have other opinions, but "at least it is something". Yep, at least it is something......and now that I have written this, maybe if someone is actually reading this, is maybe reading this and saying "wow, that sounds like me, maybe I should look into Dercum's..or Myositis".....then, maybe my day is also not so wasted!
It also isn't like I can say, oh well, I have the rest of the day to go do what I want to do.....it just isn't like that in my world. I just woke up, but it is going to take me at least, and I mean at least, an hour to move easily. My muscles/joints/fat...whatever....is all screaming at me. So, now, I wait for the pain killers to kick in. I should have taken one around 8am, but I missed that one....so now I am paying for it. Maybe you reader, maybe you are too going to pay for it, as I don't think this is going to be a cheery, kind of positive look at how to live with chronic illness/pain kind of post.
I don't think I have explained what it is that is making me feel this way. Partially, that is because no one really knows. I have a plethora of diagnosis, of ideas of well intended friends and family, and of internet based ah ha's. But, lets just go with the current "working" diagnosis (or whatever the plural of diagnose is)....
For many years, I have been going on the diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue, and Fibromyalgia. And before that, it was called fibocitis (but that was just one doctor many years ago who I thought was a quack, mainly because I didn't like that diagnoses, which turned out he was probably right). But, I have been getting worse. I have been telling my doctors that i believe I was getting worse, but...fibromalgia does not get worse, there is no progression to it.....so someone was not correct. (although I love my current doctor, there have been times..........) And of course that someone had to be me....as I don't know my own body, and apparently lab work doesn't lie.
But, I was getting worse. I could feel it. I was not wanting more pain killers so I could get high, that is ridiculous to me, as I don't even get high from the stupid things......but because there are apparently more people out there who do take them to get high,than who actually take them for medical reasons, I must be wrong. I must be wanting more, because those people out there who do get high ask for more, so they can get higher.......no, I JUST WANTED THIS FREAKING PAIN TO STOP. Now, if he were going to write his opinion of this, my doc may see things differently...but here is my take on it: he wanted to believe me, he did believe me.....but then, there are those other medical professionals who are saying look at those drug seekers, beware of those drug seekers.....and then there is the DEA saying....watch out, all those people are drug seekers, all they want is either to get high, or sell those drugs to people getting high......they are bad people all those people on pain killers....watch out.
" But but, this woman is nice, and she seems to be in sooo much pain, but wait, didn't I just give her a prescription the other day, and here she is asking for more...hmmmm, maybe those DEA/drug seeking believing docs are for real............" anyway, that is kind of what I imagine is going on in his head....but I know, the pain/fatigue/weakness was getting worse.
So, it did. It got so worse (I know that is not correct grammar), it landed me in the hospital two times within a 2 week time span.
The first time, they figured it was the narcotics. After all, it looked like an OD, or at the very least, it looked like my kidney's failed because I was so gorked out on the narcotics that I must have forgotten to drink fluids.....(my doctor was on vacation during this episode of my life), so get the kidney's functioning, take her off of her pain killers (well most of them, we don't want any nasty withdrawals going on), and send her home. (oh, how I got to the hospital in the first place, my friend came over the night before and I was not making much sense. So being worried about me, she came over the next day, and found me unresponsive, eyes rolled back in head, doing something that looked like seizing.....she called 911). I didn't believe them, I didn't think I had taken too many pain killers....but I had just been prescribed a more potent, and different kind, so maybe???, but it still just didn't seem right to me, but as we already have established....who am I in this story. anyway? I had read however, that kidney failure can make you delusional, so....I wondered???
Ok, round two: I am not going into the details....but two weeks later, I was feeling so sick, I didn't know if I was dying, or just wanted to....and I really didn't care. I was praying that God would just take me.....but, instead my prayers were answered by putting me in the hospital when my doc, the one who knows and seems to care about me....was on call. And low and behold, he did some sleuthing, and it was not anywhere close to me being on pain killers that was the culprit....but he also had no idea what was. What we do know: my immune system appears to be attacking my muscles, which then makes some kind of enzyme get into my blood stream and when it gets to the kidneys, they say "I can't handle that, I think I will just shut down". (ok, this is my version of the story.....again, I am sure my doc would have a few more words to use, those big doctory words that keep us from understanding what is really going on with our own bodies). But anyway, now I have a new diagnosis, but only a working one, as some of the tests suggest it is, and some say no way.....but for now, lets call it myositis. Oh, and by the way....yes, there is a reason for your pain! And, guess what, the pain killers had nothing to do with this problem, and well looky there.....you are taking them as prescribed. (that is not my doc's voice, again I think he is somewhere close to God at this point (although he doesn't think that, and that is why I like him). But, I have lots of other medical professionals in my head who deserve a good talkin' to! LOL....
Now, just for fun....lets throw in another diagnosis.....this is one I have come up with, and I think my doc believes, but I am not totally sure. I have had these wickedly painful lumps in my body for years. In fact, about 15 years ago, a rather large one formed and was so painful that at times I thought I would pass out. But, yet again, "this person has no idea how her body works, silly little thing, must just be wanting narcotics".......but OMG this thing hurt. They all told me, that it was nothing, it was just a lipoma, a fatty tumor (but of course I would have those, as I was [at the time] more than 100 lbs over weight) and, those don't hurt.....so, go way, and leave us to do some doctorin on those that really have problems. (please know, that my current doc was not in the picture at this time). But a few years later, he was, and by that time, I had named this thing "louis" Louis the Lump. The good doc would ask ever so often about louis, but, he could not figure out exactly what louis was, as lipomas don't hurt. well, yes they do....according to the internet and a diagnosis called "dercum's disease". It is listed as #3 on the NORD list. Which NORD stands for National Organization of Rare Diseases. (There are quite a few of us who have this, and we are banding together...so watch out you disbelievers!!!).
Ok, so there is my entirely too long explanation of why you will be reading (I hope) this blog of what do to when your body gives up on you (funny, that song to the show "COPS" was just being sung to what I just wrote: bad bod, bad bod, what ya going to do? what you going to do when it gives up on you, bad bod..." he he...
So, I am still going through tests, and being referred to other docs who have other opinions, but "at least it is something". Yep, at least it is something......and now that I have written this, maybe if someone is actually reading this, is maybe reading this and saying "wow, that sounds like me, maybe I should look into Dercum's..or Myositis".....then, maybe my day is also not so wasted!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)