Ok, it is here, the dreaded birthday. It isn't that I mind getting older, that has never been an issue for me. I think it is that I feel like I am supposed to be surrounded by friends and family, or do something special, and that just isn't going to happen. In and of itself, that doesn't bother me at all, but it is just the IDEA that is supposed to happen is what bothers me.
So, I think I want to spend a little time remembering when those kind of birthdays did happen. I used to always have fun and do special things on my birthday. Some were good, some were not. My 50th birthday was probably the worst one I have ever had. I won't go into the details, as too many people were involved in that, but it is one that will always be in my mind.
For many years, I thought it was important to do something adventurous on my birthday, so I have fire walked, rafted down class 5 rapids, and got a tattoo....just to name a few.
One birthday, I did something that probably few people have ever done. I was born at 1:17am. At the time I was working in a psych unit of the hospital where I was born. The thing that makes this kind of interesting, is....the day room of the psych unit used to be the delivery room. So, at that time, I went down there, unlocked the door and went in there and sat quietly. I can't say that I got any strange feelings, or memories....but I thought it was kind of cool. Just the experience of it.
Many of my birthdays included partying into a stupor, so while I would love to, I can't even tell you what I did. The first one I remember is my 16th birthday. I used to have a Rambler station wagon, where the seats folded down to one long "bed". I think there were about 10 of us that piled into it and went to the drive in theater. "Clockwork Orange" was playing. That was the night I watched a friend of mine, who was brilliant, change. After that night, he started talking like the characters in that movie. It was scary. I also don't think I will go into the details, but I think I witnessed a mind, interrupted that night. The "establishment" (or anyone over 30) tried to say it was drugs.....I think we all knew it was something much more serious than that, but that was the easy thing to blame. It was sad.
The drinking age was 18 at the time, and on my 18th birthday I happened to be in Germany with a concert band tour. It was run kind of like the Army, with no one allowed to drink or smoke. Luckily, the people who were on this trip who were there to "watch over us" were my friends (there were many who were younger on this trip), so the chaperones and myself all snuck out to a bar and I had a few "lemon wodkas" and a whole lot of cigarettes, and lived to tell about it. The threat to us was if they caught us, they would leave us in that country and we had to find our own way back. It was fun, a little dangerous, so I guess that fits into an adventure! Just a little aside...Lorrena McKennit (sp?) was a member of this group. She was in the tour choir. (She is famous now, we all knew she would be).
My 21 birthday, I kind of remember. It didn't mean as much as it does now. I was living in Dallas, TX and was being terribly abused by this guy I was living with. I decided to "escape" and return to Montana for the summer. I went back to the bar I used to work in, in Bozeman, MT, and spent it with my friends from there (mostly bikers). In those days, we used to say we would die for each other, and that we would never loose touch......I have no idea where any of them are, of if they are still alive (we lived a rather risky life in those days).
Over the years I have spent my birthday with different people in different ways. When I was living in Georgia, I met a woman briefly one day in a coffee shop. I noticed her earrings and mentioned that I liked them. From there we connected a few times on the computer (the internet was just getting started back then). I barely knew her, but we went to Lillith Fair on my birthday together. It was fun. I kept wondering how I was spending a day that was supposed to be with good friends, or family with someone I barely knew....but, I was never one to stand on ceremony.
In recent years, my birthday has usually been gathering a few friends to go out for a meal together. Last year, although it wasn't on my actual birthday, a friend treated me to a concert, and this year, as I think I have already written, a friend paid for an art course for me. These were both very generous and wonderful gifts.
But, this birthday is different. I haven't had the energy to arrange anything. I tried calling a few people to see if they wanted to go out to eat tomorrow (well now it is today), but I didn't tell them it was my birthday, I just didn't want them to feel obligated.....so, I guess I am spending my birthday alone. Is this a sign of getting older that I really don't care?
I gave up years ago of caring if I got presents or cards. I am not that materialistic. But I always enjoyed company. Now, even that seem unnecessary. I guess it may also be one of the "side effects" of this illness. Having fun is something that makes me pay in pain and fatique for days afterward. Maybe it has reached the point that I would rather spend even my birthday doing nothing but resting, as the consequences are so painful.
I guess on some levels this makes me sad. Did I ever think that I would become a person who was ok with spending a birthday doing nothing? Me? The party girl, adventure seeker, wild one.....I guess it took a major illness to tame me, but here I am tamed. In about 30 minutes, 54 years ago I entered this world....I bet there were hopes and dreams for me. I bet none of them came true. I have heard this statement twice today (in different ways), but basically:
If you choose a path, and don't realize that it may not be the one you are on, you may miss that which you are offered that just may be where you are supposed to be....
I wonder, is that what has happened? I certainly can not look back and say I am sad, or regret any of the amazing years/experiences I have had in my life. I can only look back and wonder how I got where I am now? It isn't the path I would have thought I would be on, nor one that I hoped I would be on......but, here I am, and I think I am pretty good at keeping my eyes open for whatever this may be leading me toward?
So, I am hoping this next trip around the sun reveals to me the reason I have had to leave what I thought would be my path, behind. I hope I am set on the path that leads me to the purpose I know I am here to do. I am also hoping that maybe there will be some new characters that come along to guide me, play with me, help me along this new path. There already is, and I am very excited about that!!! (you know who you are...he he)....So, Happy Birthday to me, and I wish that this be a year of healing, not only for me, but those who join me on this path of the 54th year of life! namaste
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Is it an accident that God and dog are reversed?
Here they are! My furry little friends. The cute little wolf hybrid puppy is a neighbor, but all the rest are my little lovelies! So let me introduce you.
Keefa: she is on the upper left. This is the dog that I call my soul mate, not only call her that, she is that. She is a 14 year old Carolina Dog, aka American Dingo. If you would like to read about her breed, Google "Carolina Dog" and look for the article from the "Smithsonian". I am writing a book about how we met, and how we have tamed each other. Keefa was a wild dog, mistaken for an abandoned puppy, and we have been on a spiritual path together. She has helped me realize how important it is to be kind and gentle, to not push too hard, and to figure out how to help her live in a world she doesn't always understand. (hmm, and isn't that what I did when I was a psychotherapist?) I am almost certain that she was abused by a neighbor of mine. I will not go into this, as it was pretty horrible, but helping her get through that experience and trust even me again, was heartbreaking. Anyway, someday, maybe you will get to read the whole experience, as it is special.
Sasha: Sasha is the wolf hybrid puppy. She and her human were walking by the house when I was taking pics of mine, and because she is so cute, I decided I would run out and take a picture of her amazing blue eyes. She was my next door neighbors dog's puppy, one out of 6. So I have seen her since she was weeks old. A couple of the other puppies live close to here too. I think they are so beautiful, and the mom and these pups are the sweetest dogs.
So, they are there side by side, because both are wild dogs, who have come into our lives to teach us. At least I believe the wild ones come to us for a reason. Mine was truly wild, but supposedly all the dogs in the world, come from both these dogs. They are the original canines. And we, the humans saw the potential of making them "ours". Or, maybe they the wild ones, saw the potential to make us their project! What are these beautiful creations that have been put on this Earth? If nothing else, I think the lesson they teach us is loyalty. We, yep us fellow humans, have asked these guys to change their ways, and to come to us, and live in our world. Wow, what a gift this is! And, I believe it is now our duty to care for these beauties. That may be to simply treat them kindly, feed them, and love them. But, the other way, is to respect them and their story and what they come to tell us. Then and finally, the other way is to care for those that are still in the wild. Living the life that they came to life. I don't know what is going on with the Dingo's in Australia, but I do know some about the controversy over the wolves in Yellowstone Park. I do kind of understand the sheep ranchers concerns who were losing their lambs to the wolves, but I think I am voting for the wolves in this case. They are letting us share their land. They were here running free and doing their thing before we came to encroach upon their territory. So, I put these two wild dogs, side by side, to remind us....our wild sides are good. We need to listen to them and to know that we too can run free......but then there is the other side to that, what we have done to these wild ones......and that leads me to the next pics....
Mika: OMG, isn't she cute! This is my baby who is an almost 14 year old Shih Tzu.....about as far from a wild dog as you can get. Can you believe that this little tiny dog, came from the wolf, the wild dog? I once sat in front of a display at the Smithsonian Museum, that mapped the transition from wild and free, to tiny little lap dog....but who also had a place in assisting humans to make it in this world. I call her, my little ambassador of love. While Keefa, had to overcome many obstacles to live in the human world, this little one was loved and cared for since day one. She too came to me in a way that showed me it was "supposed to happen", but the lessons I have learned from her have been very different. Even though she was a little one, she seemed to have no fear, while her larger housemate was filled with fear.
I put the picture of the other domesticated animal, the cat (Indigo) basically just to show how little Mika is. Of course, Indigo is a big boy. When the EMT's were called to my house a couple of months ago, Indigo made himself at home on top of one of their pieces of equipment. The EMT who was attending to me, lifted up the bag where Indigo was sitting, and said "I appreciate cats of substance" I thought that was funny. I took Mika to get professionally groomed for the first time ever today. I usually do it, but realized that I could not physically handle this any more. So, that is why she has a bow around her neck. I am not the kind of human that dresses up their animals!
Ok,my friends. This is a blog that really has not a lot of meaning. Unless you want it to. I titled it in a manor that could stimulate some thought. I sometimes see God in my dog's eyes, actions, and behaviors. Jesus teaches us to love one another, to hold no judgement towards one another. Well, I think that dogs can teach us that easily.
The other day I witnessed something that gave me pause (paws) to reflect about my own behaviour. I watched a couple walking down the street with a dog on a leash. This couple was pretty obviously low income, and possible had some challenges mentally. They were dressed rather oddly, and both were quite dirty. I was sitting in a car, waiting for my friend, so I just sat and watched this couple and their dog. I also watched the people around them. The people that walked by, were seemingly either dismissive of this couple, or appalled by them. The couple would look at people and would smile, but NO ONE returned that. Most would look the other way, and would make sure that there was quite a lot of space between them and the couple. At one point, they stopped walking and sat down on a stone wall. The dog stopped, and looked at them, wagged it's tail, moved very close to them, and licked them on the hand and face. Then, a dog that I could see no human companion anywhere, walked up to check out the couple and their dog. After the dogs did their thing, the new dog turned it's attention to the couple. It wagged it's tail, it let them pet it. It looked quite happy and content.
I was thinking while watching this scene, or listening in my mind rather, to the song by Joan Osborne...."what if God were one of us?" I don't know, but I do think that everything we could learn about loving one another, about loyalty, and non judgemental behaviour....well, could be learned from our Canine friends. I don't think there is a coincidence that God and dog are such similar words!
Hmm, just read back through this, and realized it is pretty much well, not writing I am happy about, but I don't really care......I am tired, so I should have waited, but basically, I just wanted you to see my happy little family. These little creatures are who I find so much comfort from. I so enjoy sharing my life with them, and I sure hope visa versa! I know we all think our animals are the cutest and most special.....I am odd, I don't. I think ALL animals are special. They all help us live a better life in this world, as long as they are treated well by us. So, quit reading this now, and if you are lucky enough to share your life with one of these kinds of God's creatures.....go thank it!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Have's vs the Have Nots, which is which and who is who?
Well my friends, I hope this finds you happy, healthy and wise. Oh ok, at least one of them. I should probably put wealthy in there too! I am at least two of those, I will let you choose. LOL
Not much really happening that made me want to rush here and write about, so today, it may just be a rambling bunch of words, thoughts, and ideas. Which could either be interesting, or boring...lets hope for that first one.
Well, I made it though yet another dental crisis. My father had the same issues. His teeth were great, no problems, no cavities...then bam.....they started falling apart. So, I guess once again, whilst swimming through that gene pool, I scooped a heapin helpin of teeth set to fall apart after age 50. But my friends, here is the really cool things.....dentists just ain't what they used to be! I just had a tooth almost rebuilt from nothing, as half my real tooth fell out, the other half was an old filling. But, there she was (very nice new, very young dentist) creating a new tooth for me. I am sure in the "olden days", that would have been a pull or a crown. So, I am very thankful for all the new fangled dental mojo. Of course, she did say that it is possible this won't work, and I will end up needing a crown......well, yes, which means that it would be nice if I were a "have" in this world, but since I believe I am now an official "have not".....no crowns for me! So, lets hope the newly created tooth, does it's thang! I had to cancel my second cleaning of the year, as I just used up all my benefits for dental.
Speaking of the "haves" and "have nots", I am totally obsessed with Anais Mitchell's new CD "Hadestown". It is based on the myth of Orpheus, Eurydice, Persephone and the crew. It is about poverty, and selling one's soul to get what they have, and keep what they have got. The most powerful song (in my opinion, but it is my blog, so of course it is my opinion), is "Why We Build the Wall". If there is ever a song that has reached me on a primal level about poverty and the "haves and have nots" it is this song! It also speaks to us about what this new world we live in, full of fear has done to us! I would suggest you go to Youtube and try to find this song, just give it a listen, and see if you are as affected by it as I am. I saw Anais sing this live, at a benefit concert (she lives locally, but sings globally now, as Ani DiFranco discovered her), and I can't remember the last time a song effected me so greatly. All my little hairs were standing up to attention on my arms, and I actually started shivering, and had tears in my eyes! This CD has Greg Brown sing as Hades, and his voice is Tom Waits- like, so it is pretty powerful.
On another subject, I once again found myself in a discussion about Spirituality last night, in a chat type situation. I would not suggest trying to have a serious deep conversation by chat...LOL It is kind of hard. It made me realize that what I have been trying to say all along, is that I just don't make reference to Bible verses, but I believe I still say basically the same thing. It is, to me, like I didn't go to formal school and read all the reference books, I just observed what is around me. So, I think I will say that I come from the school of hard knocks, as far as my spirituality goes. Does that mean I am less "spiritual" than those who read the Bible and can quote passages? I don't think so. Part of what made me think this, is when I was in a discussion about the person who sent me the email, about the prayer that ended up heading another direction. The person I was "chatting" with, is a friend of the person who sent that email, and was instructing me (and the other's there) that her spirituality is "right on". To which I fully agree. But, because she can quote from the Bible, does that mean she is any closer to God than I am? (disclaimer here, the man I was talking with was not inferring that, it just got me thinking) I believe there are many out there who would agree. Well, I have known some people who are not therapists, but who are much better listeners than many therapists I know. They have this natural, innate ability to guide someone through their inner pain. Does that mean that they are "less than" those that have gone to school to learn the lingo? I don't think so. It does mean that person is not allowed to go out and call her/himself a psychotherapist (maybe a life coach). Well, I am not going out there and telling anyone that I am a Spiritual leader, I am not saying I am a minister.....but, I am saying that I think that somehow, I have learned from the world around me....that Spirit lives within me. Is that a better explanation? (I will admit here, I have part of my mind on what I am writing, and the other is listening to the "Hadestown" CD! LOL Right now Ani DiFranco is singing...such a voice she has!!!
And, just to make you dear reader feel like you are on some kind of thrill ride, here is a change of subject that is totally random (maybe, kind of like the house of mirrors, you just don't know now do you?)....tomorrow, my lil shih tzu gets professionally groomed for the first time in her almost 14 years of life!!! I am so excited for how cute, snuggly, soft and good smelling she will be. I just can no longer do it myself. Just another thing that has left my tool box of things I could do for myself. I can not afford this, but I know how miserable she seems to be. Her hair feels like mine after 2 weeks of not washing it (yes, I do know how this feels, unfortunatly just recently when I was so sick, I couldn't get the energy up to wash my hair). So, things to look forward to....
There we are. Things are scaled down in my life. I am feeling like this is one of the biggest splurges I could ever do. I am excited to do this for her, and me. How many people in this life take this kind of thing for granted. It is more a chore, a task to click off on their "to do list". It is a have/ have not kind of thing. So, while poverty sucks, don't get me wrong....I do think it has taught me to appreciate little things, like a clean, good smelling dog. I also know, that I take clean running water coming out of a tap for granted, and there are plenty out there who have to walk 3 hours one way, each day to get questionable drinking water. So, in that case, I am a Have.
I have gone from being a quite Having Have, and here I am now, being a kind of fringe Have Not. Being a Have was easier! But, did I take the time to truly appreciate every little thing? NO! There is something in this life to a kind of "struggle". I know back in the mid 80's I was working/directing a non-profit. Those of us who were working for a similar cause all came together and worked with one another to get the word out, and to beg for money (as that is basically what non-profit admin does). I moved away for awhile. I returned and found an interesting thing had happened in my abscence. All the work we had been doing paid off. Literally, as there was now a large pot of money to draw from for this cause. What I noticed however, was there was no longer a sense of working together, What I found more than ever, was everyone trying to get a bigger piece of the pie than the next one. WTF? Where was the working together? Where was the solidarity in the struggle? Hmm, it seems they sold their souls to ummmm Hades? They built a wall, all around themselves to protect what they had, and to keep out the have nots. It was such an illusion however. From outside that wall, it was pretty easy to see what was happening, but those inside the wall were lured to think that if they kept working hard to protect what they had, to keep out those who needed....well, I think they kind of lost all sight of what we were trying to do in the first place. Sad really.
Maybe I should from time to time, just check in to see what life is giving me. Am I using my gifts that have been provided to help others, and assist those who have less than me? Or, am I using everything I have to keep those out? To hold onto what I have, because it seems meager. I don't know, I would like to think that I fall into the category of those who continue to see and use my gifts, and not wall them away so other's can't get to them.....but, I know that when you are in that wall, it is hard to see outside. I think this may also be reflected in the spiritual wall that could be built by those who "have" and those perceived as "have nots".
But, today I have a new tooth, tomorrow I will have a cuddly dog....maybe life is good? So, out of the qualities I was hoping for you today, health, wealth, happiness and wisdom which do you have, and which is important to you? Which do I have? Choose carefully, and and watch out for Hades!
Not much really happening that made me want to rush here and write about, so today, it may just be a rambling bunch of words, thoughts, and ideas. Which could either be interesting, or boring...lets hope for that first one.
Well, I made it though yet another dental crisis. My father had the same issues. His teeth were great, no problems, no cavities...then bam.....they started falling apart. So, I guess once again, whilst swimming through that gene pool, I scooped a heapin helpin of teeth set to fall apart after age 50. But my friends, here is the really cool things.....dentists just ain't what they used to be! I just had a tooth almost rebuilt from nothing, as half my real tooth fell out, the other half was an old filling. But, there she was (very nice new, very young dentist) creating a new tooth for me. I am sure in the "olden days", that would have been a pull or a crown. So, I am very thankful for all the new fangled dental mojo. Of course, she did say that it is possible this won't work, and I will end up needing a crown......well, yes, which means that it would be nice if I were a "have" in this world, but since I believe I am now an official "have not".....no crowns for me! So, lets hope the newly created tooth, does it's thang! I had to cancel my second cleaning of the year, as I just used up all my benefits for dental.
Speaking of the "haves" and "have nots", I am totally obsessed with Anais Mitchell's new CD "Hadestown". It is based on the myth of Orpheus, Eurydice, Persephone and the crew. It is about poverty, and selling one's soul to get what they have, and keep what they have got. The most powerful song (in my opinion, but it is my blog, so of course it is my opinion), is "Why We Build the Wall". If there is ever a song that has reached me on a primal level about poverty and the "haves and have nots" it is this song! It also speaks to us about what this new world we live in, full of fear has done to us! I would suggest you go to Youtube and try to find this song, just give it a listen, and see if you are as affected by it as I am. I saw Anais sing this live, at a benefit concert (she lives locally, but sings globally now, as Ani DiFranco discovered her), and I can't remember the last time a song effected me so greatly. All my little hairs were standing up to attention on my arms, and I actually started shivering, and had tears in my eyes! This CD has Greg Brown sing as Hades, and his voice is Tom Waits- like, so it is pretty powerful.
On another subject, I once again found myself in a discussion about Spirituality last night, in a chat type situation. I would not suggest trying to have a serious deep conversation by chat...LOL It is kind of hard. It made me realize that what I have been trying to say all along, is that I just don't make reference to Bible verses, but I believe I still say basically the same thing. It is, to me, like I didn't go to formal school and read all the reference books, I just observed what is around me. So, I think I will say that I come from the school of hard knocks, as far as my spirituality goes. Does that mean I am less "spiritual" than those who read the Bible and can quote passages? I don't think so. Part of what made me think this, is when I was in a discussion about the person who sent me the email, about the prayer that ended up heading another direction. The person I was "chatting" with, is a friend of the person who sent that email, and was instructing me (and the other's there) that her spirituality is "right on". To which I fully agree. But, because she can quote from the Bible, does that mean she is any closer to God than I am? (disclaimer here, the man I was talking with was not inferring that, it just got me thinking) I believe there are many out there who would agree. Well, I have known some people who are not therapists, but who are much better listeners than many therapists I know. They have this natural, innate ability to guide someone through their inner pain. Does that mean that they are "less than" those that have gone to school to learn the lingo? I don't think so. It does mean that person is not allowed to go out and call her/himself a psychotherapist (maybe a life coach). Well, I am not going out there and telling anyone that I am a Spiritual leader, I am not saying I am a minister.....but, I am saying that I think that somehow, I have learned from the world around me....that Spirit lives within me. Is that a better explanation? (I will admit here, I have part of my mind on what I am writing, and the other is listening to the "Hadestown" CD! LOL Right now Ani DiFranco is singing...such a voice she has!!!
And, just to make you dear reader feel like you are on some kind of thrill ride, here is a change of subject that is totally random (maybe, kind of like the house of mirrors, you just don't know now do you?)....tomorrow, my lil shih tzu gets professionally groomed for the first time in her almost 14 years of life!!! I am so excited for how cute, snuggly, soft and good smelling she will be. I just can no longer do it myself. Just another thing that has left my tool box of things I could do for myself. I can not afford this, but I know how miserable she seems to be. Her hair feels like mine after 2 weeks of not washing it (yes, I do know how this feels, unfortunatly just recently when I was so sick, I couldn't get the energy up to wash my hair). So, things to look forward to....
There we are. Things are scaled down in my life. I am feeling like this is one of the biggest splurges I could ever do. I am excited to do this for her, and me. How many people in this life take this kind of thing for granted. It is more a chore, a task to click off on their "to do list". It is a have/ have not kind of thing. So, while poverty sucks, don't get me wrong....I do think it has taught me to appreciate little things, like a clean, good smelling dog. I also know, that I take clean running water coming out of a tap for granted, and there are plenty out there who have to walk 3 hours one way, each day to get questionable drinking water. So, in that case, I am a Have.
I have gone from being a quite Having Have, and here I am now, being a kind of fringe Have Not. Being a Have was easier! But, did I take the time to truly appreciate every little thing? NO! There is something in this life to a kind of "struggle". I know back in the mid 80's I was working/directing a non-profit. Those of us who were working for a similar cause all came together and worked with one another to get the word out, and to beg for money (as that is basically what non-profit admin does). I moved away for awhile. I returned and found an interesting thing had happened in my abscence. All the work we had been doing paid off. Literally, as there was now a large pot of money to draw from for this cause. What I noticed however, was there was no longer a sense of working together, What I found more than ever, was everyone trying to get a bigger piece of the pie than the next one. WTF? Where was the working together? Where was the solidarity in the struggle? Hmm, it seems they sold their souls to ummmm Hades? They built a wall, all around themselves to protect what they had, and to keep out the have nots. It was such an illusion however. From outside that wall, it was pretty easy to see what was happening, but those inside the wall were lured to think that if they kept working hard to protect what they had, to keep out those who needed....well, I think they kind of lost all sight of what we were trying to do in the first place. Sad really.
Maybe I should from time to time, just check in to see what life is giving me. Am I using my gifts that have been provided to help others, and assist those who have less than me? Or, am I using everything I have to keep those out? To hold onto what I have, because it seems meager. I don't know, I would like to think that I fall into the category of those who continue to see and use my gifts, and not wall them away so other's can't get to them.....but, I know that when you are in that wall, it is hard to see outside. I think this may also be reflected in the spiritual wall that could be built by those who "have" and those perceived as "have nots".
But, today I have a new tooth, tomorrow I will have a cuddly dog....maybe life is good? So, out of the qualities I was hoping for you today, health, wealth, happiness and wisdom which do you have, and which is important to you? Which do I have? Choose carefully, and and watch out for Hades!
Friday, July 23, 2010
OMG literally!
There is magic afoot! Something is currently going on with me, that is causing lots and lots of tears. I haven't cried this much in years, or maybe ever. The thing is, it is not all painful, sad tears, or even happy tears.....these are deeper, much deeper, like I am weeping out some universal spiritual substance.
I won't mention names, although if you are reading this, those of you who I am about to write about, you will know it is you.....but there has been some "miracles" going on in my life lately, and I think it is about time I write this down. I think with some of this mind, mood, body, spirit alteration comes pain. Maybe that is what some, most, all? my pain has been about lately. It is kind of back to the liver theory, of a couple of blogs prior to this. I know that I am deeply spiritually connected to this cosmos. I am not going to give any kind of label to what this believe system is, because to me it is not a belief. I think for it to be a belief, I would have had to be taught it. I think this just comes into me. For years, and years and years, I can't really even begin to tell you how long....childhood I know....I have said this prayer....."Please come through me, so others can know you as I do". Ok there it is, a simple, yet complex childhood prayer.
I want to start this by saying that, when i was little, somehow I figured out that hypocrisy was a component of the human condition that bothered me. I remember writing a little book and making drawings in it, called the "Religion of the Animals" (or some childhood version of that statement). Unfortunately, my parents were not ones to save any of my childhood art work. But, I remember clearly sitting in my closet (a place I sat a lot), and making this book. I knew that our dog at the time a big black lab called Congo, was closer to God, than any human being I knew. I also remember watching birds and bugs, and the wonderment of all that was outside, and seeing that they were not anything but "there". I felt a peace with these creatures, that humans just didn't do for me.
I also want to introduce you to someone that has been in my life since I can remember. She came to me at night, she mostly came to me in my closet....it was my Blue Angel. She was beautiful, and she would let me sit in her lap. I had a few other "imaginary friends" and I would talk about them...Tommy in particular, but the Blue Angel was all mine, I didn't share her with anyone. I now have a tattoo on my ankle of her, but the strange thing is, when I got that tattoo, i didn't really even remember her, well on that night, as friend and I decided to get tattoos.....but there she was, coming back to me, reminding me she had never left, and will never leave me again...literally!
Ok, what is bringing this on......well, over the past couple of months some interesting things have happened to me. Some of you will read this and decide that I am nuts....that is ok. Some may read this and think..oh oh, airy fairy new age, woo woo stuff.....ok, so be it. But, I really hope you will read this and think about the possibilities, that exist in all of us. I am not going to say this is one religion or one way of thinking, so instead of calling this anything that comes from any religion, I am just going to say Spirit...ok? You can put in what ever you would like, and I think it will still work....if you put Jesus or Christ, if you want to say God, or Buddha, or Ganish, Allah.....whatever, I think it will work...
For quite some time, I have known that I have been able to be intuitive, psychic, a trance channel, mystic....what ever you want to put in there too. I have been connected to Spirit. I think this is because I have not only learned to speak with Spirit in prayer, but to listen in meditation. And, along the way, I have recognized that Spirit speaks to me in any number of different ways. Feelings, visions, signs, little coincidences, and when I needed it, a swift kick or knock upside the head!
Just today, a most marvelous thing happened. I got an e-mail from someone who I have recently met on line (meaning of course, we have not met face to face). She sent something that she was hesitant to send because as she put it "I really do not know you well enough to know if any of this has any impact upon your life". What she sent me was something that came to her while she was praying for me about my pain. It was a whole other subject about my childhood. She included the prayer, which was basically a healing for me and my father. I read this with tears streaming down my face. It touched me on a level so deep, so unexpected from someone who doesn't even know me....to write something so true. (Ok, for those of you who are quite astute and faster thinking than my writing....yes, it was actually from someone who not only knows me, but to most people's way of thinking, created me!). Spirit chose to use her to speak to me. And this comes at a very interesting time. I have been having nightmares about my father. I won't go into them, but basically, my father who died in 2001 comes to me in my dreams, not to comfort me....and I know he is dead, and he knows he is dead, but still there he is....it is unnerving at best! But, there was this email, with a prayer to ease this recent and past experience. Coincidence?
Next.....I have had a friend in my life for a few years now. I knew I was going to meet him prior to my actual in physical plane meeting of him. I knew that we were working out some karmic stuff. Not only him, but with his whole family. I had never met his family, nor basically him for any length of time, and I was getting all these visions,messages, and actual action plans, for him AND his family....especially his daughter and youngest son. I can't go into detail about this, because it is personal.....but why I want to mention this is....I think this is why I became so sick. I was there to help him and his family members work through a situation that was about to occur. I think, for the most part I did.....but then it got too much for me. I asked him, as well as Spirit to break the karmic connection I had with him and his family. I think it worked, but interesting to me, was that both his daughter and I (her "guides are who first came to me about this/him before I met him), ended up in the hospital with pretty serious illnesses at the same time.....Coincidence? I recently wrote him a letter explaining this. Will he understand it? I don't know. I think on some level. If by chance he reads this blog I hope he understands that everything that was done, all the coincidences in our lives....everything was Spirit connected. I know, because of the premature break, that we will do some kind of dance again...that is fine. What is really interesting to me about this too....is I think right now, even though we are now going our separate ways....both of us are finding the same path of Spiritual meaning....all my recent events, and "signs" are kind of similar to what I know he is now experiencing.......Coincidence?
I could actually go on for hours, or pages as the case may be, about this kind of Spiritual hijinx that is happening to me. A friend called me the other day, who, if there is anyone who is connected to the "other side" it is her. Even she will say that she is "way out there", but she said that we are going through a time right now, which of course I can't remember what she called it, but it is similar to the spiritual harmonics, or convergence of years past. when she was telling me this, it was like YES!!! It seemed that all these events, signs, and yes even some swift kicks had been telling me that it was time....for what?
It is time to quit looking only inward. I think it is time to know that we have to work together to heal ourselves, our planet, and others. It seems to me that more people than ever have been reaching out to me in prayer. In years past, that may have frightened me a little. But, I have been relishing in these prayers lately. They feel good. It is really about love.
I know I have mentioned many times, I think...about a little barn own named Molly. A simple little act of nature, caught on "tape" as they say, for millions to watch. What was supposed to be just a web site for family and friends went viral. Millions from all over the world started watching and chatting as she first laid her eggs, then tended to them, then the owlets hatched, and then we watched with joy, amusement, fear, and even some sadness as these little ones grew up, and flew away. But what I found really odd, I mean it, odd and strange and weird and unusual......those of us who "bonded" ( those who are a participant of the owl box experience will get the kind of pun that word implies. Bonding with barn owls is like a "quickie" to be blunt. It is not actual copulation, but kind of like a mimic of it while the female owl is sitting on the eggs, it happens at least a couple of times a night....and if, like me, you have your ear buds in.....watch out, as it gets very LOUD), but anyway......what was just kind of freaking me out....how much we all told each other we loved one another. What? We barely know each other, and we love one another? How Odd.....especially coming from a family where that word was not used.
In recent years, I have learned how to be comfortable with that word. But, it was not easy. The word "love" for most of my life was like finger nails on a chalk board. I couldn't say it, or hear it....freaked me right the heck out. I also couldn't look anyone in the eyes, that was another instant make me want to throw up action.....but, you may think I have digressed a little here, I am just saying....how easy it is to actually truly love these people. Kindred owl watchers from around the world. Here is the other thing.....I am NOT an owl lover. In fact, owls used to kind of freak me out. My parents would always talk about how the owl in the window meant death, or something like that. So, how did I get to a place, that really I would never have sought out myself?.....coincidence?
The story I started with today, the woman who sent me the prayer, we met on the owl box web site. I have also met some other people there who are changing my life. I believe, somehow, these little owls have been the harbingers of my ability to love deeply. I think one of the people I have met on this site, to whom we have become quite close, can be able to strongly attest to this. I wrote her an e-mail, and I told her something I have never told another living human being. It was weird, it just happened. It has to do with love, and my childhood, and into my current state as a person who is often sick and in pain......but really, it all goes back to love......coincidence?
At the beginning of this rather longer than I expected blog, I mentioned my tears. I said that I have been crying out some universal spiritual substance....what do you think? Should we call it LOVE?
You decide......
I won't mention names, although if you are reading this, those of you who I am about to write about, you will know it is you.....but there has been some "miracles" going on in my life lately, and I think it is about time I write this down. I think with some of this mind, mood, body, spirit alteration comes pain. Maybe that is what some, most, all? my pain has been about lately. It is kind of back to the liver theory, of a couple of blogs prior to this. I know that I am deeply spiritually connected to this cosmos. I am not going to give any kind of label to what this believe system is, because to me it is not a belief. I think for it to be a belief, I would have had to be taught it. I think this just comes into me. For years, and years and years, I can't really even begin to tell you how long....childhood I know....I have said this prayer....."Please come through me, so others can know you as I do". Ok there it is, a simple, yet complex childhood prayer.
I want to start this by saying that, when i was little, somehow I figured out that hypocrisy was a component of the human condition that bothered me. I remember writing a little book and making drawings in it, called the "Religion of the Animals" (or some childhood version of that statement). Unfortunately, my parents were not ones to save any of my childhood art work. But, I remember clearly sitting in my closet (a place I sat a lot), and making this book. I knew that our dog at the time a big black lab called Congo, was closer to God, than any human being I knew. I also remember watching birds and bugs, and the wonderment of all that was outside, and seeing that they were not anything but "there". I felt a peace with these creatures, that humans just didn't do for me.
I also want to introduce you to someone that has been in my life since I can remember. She came to me at night, she mostly came to me in my closet....it was my Blue Angel. She was beautiful, and she would let me sit in her lap. I had a few other "imaginary friends" and I would talk about them...Tommy in particular, but the Blue Angel was all mine, I didn't share her with anyone. I now have a tattoo on my ankle of her, but the strange thing is, when I got that tattoo, i didn't really even remember her, well on that night, as friend and I decided to get tattoos.....but there she was, coming back to me, reminding me she had never left, and will never leave me again...literally!
Ok, what is bringing this on......well, over the past couple of months some interesting things have happened to me. Some of you will read this and decide that I am nuts....that is ok. Some may read this and think..oh oh, airy fairy new age, woo woo stuff.....ok, so be it. But, I really hope you will read this and think about the possibilities, that exist in all of us. I am not going to say this is one religion or one way of thinking, so instead of calling this anything that comes from any religion, I am just going to say Spirit...ok? You can put in what ever you would like, and I think it will still work....if you put Jesus or Christ, if you want to say God, or Buddha, or Ganish, Allah.....whatever, I think it will work...
For quite some time, I have known that I have been able to be intuitive, psychic, a trance channel, mystic....what ever you want to put in there too. I have been connected to Spirit. I think this is because I have not only learned to speak with Spirit in prayer, but to listen in meditation. And, along the way, I have recognized that Spirit speaks to me in any number of different ways. Feelings, visions, signs, little coincidences, and when I needed it, a swift kick or knock upside the head!
Just today, a most marvelous thing happened. I got an e-mail from someone who I have recently met on line (meaning of course, we have not met face to face). She sent something that she was hesitant to send because as she put it "I really do not know you well enough to know if any of this has any impact upon your life". What she sent me was something that came to her while she was praying for me about my pain. It was a whole other subject about my childhood. She included the prayer, which was basically a healing for me and my father. I read this with tears streaming down my face. It touched me on a level so deep, so unexpected from someone who doesn't even know me....to write something so true. (Ok, for those of you who are quite astute and faster thinking than my writing....yes, it was actually from someone who not only knows me, but to most people's way of thinking, created me!). Spirit chose to use her to speak to me. And this comes at a very interesting time. I have been having nightmares about my father. I won't go into them, but basically, my father who died in 2001 comes to me in my dreams, not to comfort me....and I know he is dead, and he knows he is dead, but still there he is....it is unnerving at best! But, there was this email, with a prayer to ease this recent and past experience. Coincidence?
Next.....I have had a friend in my life for a few years now. I knew I was going to meet him prior to my actual in physical plane meeting of him. I knew that we were working out some karmic stuff. Not only him, but with his whole family. I had never met his family, nor basically him for any length of time, and I was getting all these visions,messages, and actual action plans, for him AND his family....especially his daughter and youngest son. I can't go into detail about this, because it is personal.....but why I want to mention this is....I think this is why I became so sick. I was there to help him and his family members work through a situation that was about to occur. I think, for the most part I did.....but then it got too much for me. I asked him, as well as Spirit to break the karmic connection I had with him and his family. I think it worked, but interesting to me, was that both his daughter and I (her "guides are who first came to me about this/him before I met him), ended up in the hospital with pretty serious illnesses at the same time.....Coincidence? I recently wrote him a letter explaining this. Will he understand it? I don't know. I think on some level. If by chance he reads this blog I hope he understands that everything that was done, all the coincidences in our lives....everything was Spirit connected. I know, because of the premature break, that we will do some kind of dance again...that is fine. What is really interesting to me about this too....is I think right now, even though we are now going our separate ways....both of us are finding the same path of Spiritual meaning....all my recent events, and "signs" are kind of similar to what I know he is now experiencing.......Coincidence?
I could actually go on for hours, or pages as the case may be, about this kind of Spiritual hijinx that is happening to me. A friend called me the other day, who, if there is anyone who is connected to the "other side" it is her. Even she will say that she is "way out there", but she said that we are going through a time right now, which of course I can't remember what she called it, but it is similar to the spiritual harmonics, or convergence of years past. when she was telling me this, it was like YES!!! It seemed that all these events, signs, and yes even some swift kicks had been telling me that it was time....for what?
It is time to quit looking only inward. I think it is time to know that we have to work together to heal ourselves, our planet, and others. It seems to me that more people than ever have been reaching out to me in prayer. In years past, that may have frightened me a little. But, I have been relishing in these prayers lately. They feel good. It is really about love.
I know I have mentioned many times, I think...about a little barn own named Molly. A simple little act of nature, caught on "tape" as they say, for millions to watch. What was supposed to be just a web site for family and friends went viral. Millions from all over the world started watching and chatting as she first laid her eggs, then tended to them, then the owlets hatched, and then we watched with joy, amusement, fear, and even some sadness as these little ones grew up, and flew away. But what I found really odd, I mean it, odd and strange and weird and unusual......those of us who "bonded" ( those who are a participant of the owl box experience will get the kind of pun that word implies. Bonding with barn owls is like a "quickie" to be blunt. It is not actual copulation, but kind of like a mimic of it while the female owl is sitting on the eggs, it happens at least a couple of times a night....and if, like me, you have your ear buds in.....watch out, as it gets very LOUD), but anyway......what was just kind of freaking me out....how much we all told each other we loved one another. What? We barely know each other, and we love one another? How Odd.....especially coming from a family where that word was not used.
In recent years, I have learned how to be comfortable with that word. But, it was not easy. The word "love" for most of my life was like finger nails on a chalk board. I couldn't say it, or hear it....freaked me right the heck out. I also couldn't look anyone in the eyes, that was another instant make me want to throw up action.....but, you may think I have digressed a little here, I am just saying....how easy it is to actually truly love these people. Kindred owl watchers from around the world. Here is the other thing.....I am NOT an owl lover. In fact, owls used to kind of freak me out. My parents would always talk about how the owl in the window meant death, or something like that. So, how did I get to a place, that really I would never have sought out myself?.....coincidence?
The story I started with today, the woman who sent me the prayer, we met on the owl box web site. I have also met some other people there who are changing my life. I believe, somehow, these little owls have been the harbingers of my ability to love deeply. I think one of the people I have met on this site, to whom we have become quite close, can be able to strongly attest to this. I wrote her an e-mail, and I told her something I have never told another living human being. It was weird, it just happened. It has to do with love, and my childhood, and into my current state as a person who is often sick and in pain......but really, it all goes back to love......coincidence?
At the beginning of this rather longer than I expected blog, I mentioned my tears. I said that I have been crying out some universal spiritual substance....what do you think? Should we call it LOVE?
You decide......
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Coyote Ugly, with a twist....
What happened to yesterday? How is it possible to go from a pain free (almost) day, to one that I can't get anything to knock down the pain level. This seems unfair. But then, what does that mean? So, the following is a peak into, how to try to make intense unrelenting pain go away....or, I do try other things besides the pain killers.....
Earlier today, I wanted to come on here and get very deep and philosophical. I had some thoughts that I wanted to share, about spirituality, love etc. But now, the pain is all I can think about. I have tried everything I know how to try to get this to quit. I have spent about 3 hours total in a hot bath, which feels fairly good while I am in there, but the minute I get out....back to pain level 15 out of 10. So, I try distraction, which can work on some days....music, writing, reading, watching TV, but can't keep my mind on anything but the pain. Ok, time for meditation. First, I did the no thoughts, just get into that zone....nada, just kept bringing the thoughts back to the pain. So, then I tried the other way, get into the pain...what is it telling me? After about 30 minutes of this, I was ready to go do something crazy. I couldn't think of anything, but something like go put a a new computer on my credit card, or go drive to someplace far away, I have never been but have been wanting to see, or go to the local swimming hole and just pound the crap out of these arms and legs, I can't see how they could hurt any more......but, reality sank in...would that help? NO my rational being yelled back at me.
I thought maybe I could cook my way into feeling better. So I decided to make a nice healthy dish of quinoa and lots of veggies in a cold salad with a lime vinegrette. Again, I thought hey, I can't hurt worse, so I walked over to the coop, and back and stood to make the salad.... I became so nauseous from the pain, there was no way I could eat or enjoy the salad.
I thought maybe if I called a friend and tried to talk, that would help....I am so glad I got voice mail, as I heard my voice sound like I was about to burst out in tears at any second....don't think I would have been a very good conversationalist! So now what....
I have taken the most dose I am prescribed of the pain killers, and a little extra, and while it has maybe taken the pain down to a 12 out of 10, for some reason even these little wonders are not working today. Why? Why was yesterday so good, and now today......this. I wish I had the answer, because then maybe I could make it go away...weather? maybe??
well, my friends, basically I thought this would be another way of distracting, that maybe if I wrote about it, it would help, but what it is doing is making my arms and hands way more sore. Crap. I guess it is back into the tub go I......I also don't understand what is keeping me in my body today. Where is the disassociation I spoke of before, even that isn't happening, and that is usually kind of automatic. I don't know what to say except......
Mary is not having a good day! I think this could be like coyote ugly with a twist.....I need to chew my arms and legs off to get away from myself in pain (which I guess is like an unwanted bed partner?)
Earlier today, I wanted to come on here and get very deep and philosophical. I had some thoughts that I wanted to share, about spirituality, love etc. But now, the pain is all I can think about. I have tried everything I know how to try to get this to quit. I have spent about 3 hours total in a hot bath, which feels fairly good while I am in there, but the minute I get out....back to pain level 15 out of 10. So, I try distraction, which can work on some days....music, writing, reading, watching TV, but can't keep my mind on anything but the pain. Ok, time for meditation. First, I did the no thoughts, just get into that zone....nada, just kept bringing the thoughts back to the pain. So, then I tried the other way, get into the pain...what is it telling me? After about 30 minutes of this, I was ready to go do something crazy. I couldn't think of anything, but something like go put a a new computer on my credit card, or go drive to someplace far away, I have never been but have been wanting to see, or go to the local swimming hole and just pound the crap out of these arms and legs, I can't see how they could hurt any more......but, reality sank in...would that help? NO my rational being yelled back at me.
I thought maybe I could cook my way into feeling better. So I decided to make a nice healthy dish of quinoa and lots of veggies in a cold salad with a lime vinegrette. Again, I thought hey, I can't hurt worse, so I walked over to the coop, and back and stood to make the salad.... I became so nauseous from the pain, there was no way I could eat or enjoy the salad.
I thought maybe if I called a friend and tried to talk, that would help....I am so glad I got voice mail, as I heard my voice sound like I was about to burst out in tears at any second....don't think I would have been a very good conversationalist! So now what....
I have taken the most dose I am prescribed of the pain killers, and a little extra, and while it has maybe taken the pain down to a 12 out of 10, for some reason even these little wonders are not working today. Why? Why was yesterday so good, and now today......this. I wish I had the answer, because then maybe I could make it go away...weather? maybe??
well, my friends, basically I thought this would be another way of distracting, that maybe if I wrote about it, it would help, but what it is doing is making my arms and hands way more sore. Crap. I guess it is back into the tub go I......I also don't understand what is keeping me in my body today. Where is the disassociation I spoke of before, even that isn't happening, and that is usually kind of automatic. I don't know what to say except......
Mary is not having a good day! I think this could be like coyote ugly with a twist.....I need to chew my arms and legs off to get away from myself in pain (which I guess is like an unwanted bed partner?)
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
I think I am learning something...I am a human being!
Today is a good day. I can't tell you why. Yesterday, not only was I confused and sad and angry and all sorts of ways....today, I just seem to be happy. Yay me! So, what has changed? Well, for one, the pain, fatigue and weakness appear to be taking a back seat to everything today. My mind is a little mushy, but for the most part, I am able to stay present, enjoy the little things I find....like the joy of touching the Touch Me Not, or Jewel Weed....I don't think I will ever tire of those little spring loaded pockets of weed seed throwing devices! I wonder, did the Creator create that to be so entertaining that we just couldn't help ourselves from doing that? Ok, I am sure the more scientific of you are saying something like "No, it is so sensitive so when something brushes against it, or a strong wind even, will propagate it's species", but I like to take it to the amazing and absurd!
Yesterday, I found myself quite taken aback by some of the comments (not made publicly) about my blog. I was so confused. I guess it sounded like i was saying that I believed or thought that maybe it was true that the drugs were causing me more pain......nope, nada, no way jose! What I was trying to say, was.....that if some doctors were saying that maybe it was true that the literature was saying that, then maybe I would have to start over again to prove that it wasn't so. That is why I wanted medical assistance, so they could actually see and document the fact that when I go off pain killers, I become what some may call a hot mess....or just a plain hot headed mess. I am not so nice, or kind, or wise, or witty. I know these things, I have lived through them. If you read any of the replies to my blog yesterday, an Angel, named Angel wrote a beautiful response. As Angel said I could have been writing her words, she very beautifully wrote mine. The pain was there before the drugs, the pain will be there after the drugs, the pain is there during the drugs.....I am just trying to live my best life. That is all I want. So, as things would go in my life.....I believe in signs, I think God sends them to me daily, and if I am awake, I catch them....sometimes they are called consequences, sometimes they are called a kick to the head, but anyway....today I was sent another message.
A friend, who I have recently met, suggested that I read a book he had read. He said it was about questioning religion, or something like that. It sounded maybe like something interesting, but also I was a little dubious. But, I got it.....and here is a quote: "...pain has a way of clipping our wings and being able to keep us from being able to fly. And if it's left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget you were ever created to fly in the first place" The Shack by Wm. Paul Young. YES!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok along with this quote, came a little gift late last night. I am still having problems with insomnia, so I tend to go to a chat room and video cam of a little barn owl named Molly. I will confess, if there is anything I am addicted to right now, it is this owl! But, in chat I met a person (I have no clue if it is male or female, but I am just going to say he, cuz it is one letter less to type *grins*) who is a medical professional. I won't go into the whole almost 2 hour chat, but basically he said I am on the right path. Pain needs to be looked at carefully but the effects from chronic pain, can be just as bad, if not worse than the side effects from the pain meds. He listened very carefully to my concerns, to my symptoms, and to my theory. His suggestion is that I am on a low dose of narcotics, especially for how long I have been on them, and that I have no need to prove anything to my doc (especially the one who prescribed them) as he already knows my level of pain, or he would not be prescribing them. Ok, validation.
So, now that I have these 3 "gifts", I see. I see that what I am doing is trying to remember that I am created to fly. If I keep myself from flying because of some opinions of others who do not live in my body, do not know my level of pain, and who can in no way understand what I need to function, well then I am grounded. And being grounded is sad. Sometimes I don't even think we know we are grounded, we just know we feel sad, or somehow cheated out of something we know, something deep deep inside.
I believe that because I know I was created to fly, I know that there is greatness, beauty and wonder in this world, and it is all there for my taking.....well then, why not do what ever it is that makes me stay in that place. After all....I can use that old saying...well, if God didn't want me to take them, then he wouldn't have invented them....LOL
So, today I am flying. Not just because of those 3 things. There is another really huge, really big lesson I apparently have learned, and I am giving myself a great big old atta girl for this one.....just because I am having a good day, does not mean I have to clean house, weed wack the yard, take a long walk (although I would absolutely love to do this), or anything that is going to jeopardize this good day. I still need to take it easy, to do things on a small but enjoyable level. This is not me. In the past, good days were for pushing myself to get things done, as you never know when another good day is coming. So today, I enjoy my good day. Maybe tomorrow I will also enjoy another good day, because today I learned to enjoy this day. Maybe I am on to something. It is ok to be a human being. That is what we are called. So today, I choose to be a human being, not a human doing, or a human thinking....I am a human being. I can touch Jewel Weed and be thrilled. I can feel the air on my face and enjoy the texture of it, the smell, and the sound. I can just be.
Can you?
Yesterday, I found myself quite taken aback by some of the comments (not made publicly) about my blog. I was so confused. I guess it sounded like i was saying that I believed or thought that maybe it was true that the drugs were causing me more pain......nope, nada, no way jose! What I was trying to say, was.....that if some doctors were saying that maybe it was true that the literature was saying that, then maybe I would have to start over again to prove that it wasn't so. That is why I wanted medical assistance, so they could actually see and document the fact that when I go off pain killers, I become what some may call a hot mess....or just a plain hot headed mess. I am not so nice, or kind, or wise, or witty. I know these things, I have lived through them. If you read any of the replies to my blog yesterday, an Angel, named Angel wrote a beautiful response. As Angel said I could have been writing her words, she very beautifully wrote mine. The pain was there before the drugs, the pain will be there after the drugs, the pain is there during the drugs.....I am just trying to live my best life. That is all I want. So, as things would go in my life.....I believe in signs, I think God sends them to me daily, and if I am awake, I catch them....sometimes they are called consequences, sometimes they are called a kick to the head, but anyway....today I was sent another message.
A friend, who I have recently met, suggested that I read a book he had read. He said it was about questioning religion, or something like that. It sounded maybe like something interesting, but also I was a little dubious. But, I got it.....and here is a quote: "...pain has a way of clipping our wings and being able to keep us from being able to fly. And if it's left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget you were ever created to fly in the first place" The Shack by Wm. Paul Young. YES!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok along with this quote, came a little gift late last night. I am still having problems with insomnia, so I tend to go to a chat room and video cam of a little barn owl named Molly. I will confess, if there is anything I am addicted to right now, it is this owl! But, in chat I met a person (I have no clue if it is male or female, but I am just going to say he, cuz it is one letter less to type *grins*) who is a medical professional. I won't go into the whole almost 2 hour chat, but basically he said I am on the right path. Pain needs to be looked at carefully but the effects from chronic pain, can be just as bad, if not worse than the side effects from the pain meds. He listened very carefully to my concerns, to my symptoms, and to my theory. His suggestion is that I am on a low dose of narcotics, especially for how long I have been on them, and that I have no need to prove anything to my doc (especially the one who prescribed them) as he already knows my level of pain, or he would not be prescribing them. Ok, validation.
So, now that I have these 3 "gifts", I see. I see that what I am doing is trying to remember that I am created to fly. If I keep myself from flying because of some opinions of others who do not live in my body, do not know my level of pain, and who can in no way understand what I need to function, well then I am grounded. And being grounded is sad. Sometimes I don't even think we know we are grounded, we just know we feel sad, or somehow cheated out of something we know, something deep deep inside.
I believe that because I know I was created to fly, I know that there is greatness, beauty and wonder in this world, and it is all there for my taking.....well then, why not do what ever it is that makes me stay in that place. After all....I can use that old saying...well, if God didn't want me to take them, then he wouldn't have invented them....LOL
So, today I am flying. Not just because of those 3 things. There is another really huge, really big lesson I apparently have learned, and I am giving myself a great big old atta girl for this one.....just because I am having a good day, does not mean I have to clean house, weed wack the yard, take a long walk (although I would absolutely love to do this), or anything that is going to jeopardize this good day. I still need to take it easy, to do things on a small but enjoyable level. This is not me. In the past, good days were for pushing myself to get things done, as you never know when another good day is coming. So today, I enjoy my good day. Maybe tomorrow I will also enjoy another good day, because today I learned to enjoy this day. Maybe I am on to something. It is ok to be a human being. That is what we are called. So today, I choose to be a human being, not a human doing, or a human thinking....I am a human being. I can touch Jewel Weed and be thrilled. I can feel the air on my face and enjoy the texture of it, the smell, and the sound. I can just be.
Can you?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
now what?
Hello again. Well, I guess it is back to the drawing board once again. I went to the rheumatologist (I can't ever spell that right), today, and she was really nice, but yet again, I am coming away sans diagnosis. Well, I have a little one, possible metabolic myositis, which is very rare. She thinks, and I hope, that this last episode that landed me in the hosptial twice, may have been some funky reaction to meds that I have been on for years, but just "turned against me". Basically, these are statins for high cholesterol levels. She is going to suggest to my doctor, (but said that if it were her, she may just wait to see if I have another episode), that there is an expert in this at Dartmouth that I could go see. I think I will wait. I really don't care anymore.
I continue to think that what I am having is a combination of ehlers daniels syndrom (EDS), fibromyalgia, and dercums, with a smattering of osteoarthritis thrown in for fun. At first she said that my knees showed no signs of arthritis, (from her physical exam), but then I told her my MRI and orthopedic surgeon say differently. She pulled up the MRI, and said...."well look at that, you do". However, because I am sooooo flexible, it just doesn't look like I have stiffness like you would find in typical arthritis knees. Yep, that would be the EDS, which she agreed. So, I am relieved and also kind of mad. It is that strange place of wanting it to be something that can be treated, so it will go away, and glad it is nothing that is serious and can be treated but means more meds, more tests, etc.
Because she was so nice, I decided to ask her some other questions, like....can this just be some strange genetic mutation that is just me? She shrugged. I am beginning to think this. This happens all the times, and I drive doctors crazy. I get these whacked out lab results, or test results, then months, weeks, days, hours later....they are back to normal. Amazing healing abilities? Maybe. Ok, here is where it is going to get either very informative, strange, or entertaining.....but, I think I am the liver of the world!
Really! Sometimes, I think that everything just passes through me, and I heal it...but in the meantime, I pick it up. Is that really any crazier than dercum's, or fibromyalgia, or the common cold? My whole life has been about suffering. I won't bore all of you with why I say that, I am sure some of you who have known me would agree, and others are scratching your heads and wondering WTH is she talking about. The fact, that I think my whole life has been about suffering, yet here I am, fairly intact. Fairly able to laugh with the best of them, and avoid crying with most of them....well, I think that says something. Does it say I am strong? maybe Does it say I am just nuts? maybe Does it say that I am just focusing on the bad, and maybe everyone has this, I just pay more attention to it....(believe me, I have heard this).....well, that I don't think so.
So, now we go back to the narcotic pain killers. Do I need them? Well, I think so, but then again, how would I know, as apparently they trick you into thinking you need them. That is the "current thinking", so says many of the docs. Well, I am about at the point of saying, "OK, lets give that a try". God bless me for even thinking this! I know what my life is like without these evil little pills. It SUCKS. But, ok, maybe THEY have a point, and I do not know what I am doing. If I can pull up any amount of bravery, the next time I see my PCP.....I just may explore this, and do an experiment. If he will agree to detox me in the most unpainful way possible (I have been on these things for years, I don't think detox will be pretty) even if that means some rehab (and hopefully one that can work with chronic pain, not just chronic abusers of meds), then I might, just might agree to do a little experiment. If I do this, I don't think you can expect me to be very "around", but who knows....maybe it will be the answer. I don't know. I am just as confused as everyone else.
In my heart of hearts, I don't think that what I have is your common garden variety fibromyalgia. I just don't. I do think it explains some of my symptoms. I think that Dercum's explains many of my symptoms too. But, I just want my life back. Ok, so if it is the narcotics that are robbing me from my life....then lets get rid of them (she, the nice new doc suggested this may be the case, but did say that with, well, that is what is in the literature currently) hmmmm, I wonder, how much influence does the DEA have with that literature? But, who am i to question those who "know"?
I certainly have well meaning friends and family who think I should get off those "horrible" things. I don't know, who are they listening to? They are what makes me functional. But, right now I am barely functional with them, so why not go whole hog non-functional and see what happens? Well, fear for one answer. Pain is not easy to live with my friends (as many of you know), I fear that I will just "go away". I can leave my body pretty fast, and my fear is that I may choose to leave it, and just not return. No, I am not talking suicide or anything like that, I am just talking the ability to disassociate. I learned that as a child. Nice tool to have if you don't mind sitting and staring into space with a blank look on your face.
This is such an ever lasting, on going, time consuming battle in my head. And people think we like to take these meds! I don't know. This is yet again, one of those posts that I should probably chalk up to, getting my ya ya's out, and not for public consumption....but then again, I know not just me struggles with these issues. I bet, there are many of us out there who would just like to have a life that is filled with love, laughter, joy, happiness, contentment.....isn't that what everyone wants. Ok, now I am crying.....for I just don't see that in my future. Not to the degree that I want it. I see me coping with this pain, I see me having moments of joy and happiness, and of course laughter (cuz I love me some laughter), but I don't see it as sustainable. That is what scares me. NO, THIS IS NOT DEPRESSION SPEAKING....I think it is reality speaking. I so want to work again, to be out amongst the public, as most of you know, I am pretty darned extroverted (except when the pain and fatigue make me very darned introverted, but that is more like a forced state of being). But, I don't see that happening. I used to. I used to think that there was something i could do......but, that hope has slipped away. Well wait, not that it has totally slipped, I mean, I don't ever seeing me doing the kinds of jobs that I want to do. There is probably something I can do, if it is very flexible and accomodating????
Ok, I can't take up anymore of your, or my time with this......one of these days, there will be someone who will come up with an answer. Patience, is something that I have. In fact maybe to a fault....but right now, there are Monks in Tibet praying for me, who don't even know me, there are people who are working to figure out what is going on with our bodies/psyches/souls and how they all connect.....I think they will figure it out one day. Until then, I will continue to pray, to be a "liver" if that is my job, and to hopefully keep laughing.....cuz that really is the only medicine I like to take!
I continue to think that what I am having is a combination of ehlers daniels syndrom (EDS), fibromyalgia, and dercums, with a smattering of osteoarthritis thrown in for fun. At first she said that my knees showed no signs of arthritis, (from her physical exam), but then I told her my MRI and orthopedic surgeon say differently. She pulled up the MRI, and said...."well look at that, you do". However, because I am sooooo flexible, it just doesn't look like I have stiffness like you would find in typical arthritis knees. Yep, that would be the EDS, which she agreed. So, I am relieved and also kind of mad. It is that strange place of wanting it to be something that can be treated, so it will go away, and glad it is nothing that is serious and can be treated but means more meds, more tests, etc.
Because she was so nice, I decided to ask her some other questions, like....can this just be some strange genetic mutation that is just me? She shrugged. I am beginning to think this. This happens all the times, and I drive doctors crazy. I get these whacked out lab results, or test results, then months, weeks, days, hours later....they are back to normal. Amazing healing abilities? Maybe. Ok, here is where it is going to get either very informative, strange, or entertaining.....but, I think I am the liver of the world!
Really! Sometimes, I think that everything just passes through me, and I heal it...but in the meantime, I pick it up. Is that really any crazier than dercum's, or fibromyalgia, or the common cold? My whole life has been about suffering. I won't bore all of you with why I say that, I am sure some of you who have known me would agree, and others are scratching your heads and wondering WTH is she talking about. The fact, that I think my whole life has been about suffering, yet here I am, fairly intact. Fairly able to laugh with the best of them, and avoid crying with most of them....well, I think that says something. Does it say I am strong? maybe Does it say I am just nuts? maybe Does it say that I am just focusing on the bad, and maybe everyone has this, I just pay more attention to it....(believe me, I have heard this).....well, that I don't think so.
So, now we go back to the narcotic pain killers. Do I need them? Well, I think so, but then again, how would I know, as apparently they trick you into thinking you need them. That is the "current thinking", so says many of the docs. Well, I am about at the point of saying, "OK, lets give that a try". God bless me for even thinking this! I know what my life is like without these evil little pills. It SUCKS. But, ok, maybe THEY have a point, and I do not know what I am doing. If I can pull up any amount of bravery, the next time I see my PCP.....I just may explore this, and do an experiment. If he will agree to detox me in the most unpainful way possible (I have been on these things for years, I don't think detox will be pretty) even if that means some rehab (and hopefully one that can work with chronic pain, not just chronic abusers of meds), then I might, just might agree to do a little experiment. If I do this, I don't think you can expect me to be very "around", but who knows....maybe it will be the answer. I don't know. I am just as confused as everyone else.
In my heart of hearts, I don't think that what I have is your common garden variety fibromyalgia. I just don't. I do think it explains some of my symptoms. I think that Dercum's explains many of my symptoms too. But, I just want my life back. Ok, so if it is the narcotics that are robbing me from my life....then lets get rid of them (she, the nice new doc suggested this may be the case, but did say that with, well, that is what is in the literature currently) hmmmm, I wonder, how much influence does the DEA have with that literature? But, who am i to question those who "know"?
I certainly have well meaning friends and family who think I should get off those "horrible" things. I don't know, who are they listening to? They are what makes me functional. But, right now I am barely functional with them, so why not go whole hog non-functional and see what happens? Well, fear for one answer. Pain is not easy to live with my friends (as many of you know), I fear that I will just "go away". I can leave my body pretty fast, and my fear is that I may choose to leave it, and just not return. No, I am not talking suicide or anything like that, I am just talking the ability to disassociate. I learned that as a child. Nice tool to have if you don't mind sitting and staring into space with a blank look on your face.
This is such an ever lasting, on going, time consuming battle in my head. And people think we like to take these meds! I don't know. This is yet again, one of those posts that I should probably chalk up to, getting my ya ya's out, and not for public consumption....but then again, I know not just me struggles with these issues. I bet, there are many of us out there who would just like to have a life that is filled with love, laughter, joy, happiness, contentment.....isn't that what everyone wants. Ok, now I am crying.....for I just don't see that in my future. Not to the degree that I want it. I see me coping with this pain, I see me having moments of joy and happiness, and of course laughter (cuz I love me some laughter), but I don't see it as sustainable. That is what scares me. NO, THIS IS NOT DEPRESSION SPEAKING....I think it is reality speaking. I so want to work again, to be out amongst the public, as most of you know, I am pretty darned extroverted (except when the pain and fatigue make me very darned introverted, but that is more like a forced state of being). But, I don't see that happening. I used to. I used to think that there was something i could do......but, that hope has slipped away. Well wait, not that it has totally slipped, I mean, I don't ever seeing me doing the kinds of jobs that I want to do. There is probably something I can do, if it is very flexible and accomodating????
Ok, I can't take up anymore of your, or my time with this......one of these days, there will be someone who will come up with an answer. Patience, is something that I have. In fact maybe to a fault....but right now, there are Monks in Tibet praying for me, who don't even know me, there are people who are working to figure out what is going on with our bodies/psyches/souls and how they all connect.....I think they will figure it out one day. Until then, I will continue to pray, to be a "liver" if that is my job, and to hopefully keep laughing.....cuz that really is the only medicine I like to take!
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