54 years ago...

Ok, it is here, the dreaded birthday. It isn't that I mind getting older, that has never been an issue for me. I think it is that I feel like I am supposed to be surrounded by friends and family, or do something special, and that just isn't going to happen. In and of itself, that doesn't bother me at all, but it is just the IDEA that is supposed to happen is what bothers me.

So, I think I want to spend a little time remembering when those kind of birthdays did happen. I used to always have fun and do special things on my birthday. Some were good, some were not. My 50th birthday was probably the worst one I have ever had. I won't go into the details, as too many people were involved in that, but it is one that will always be in my mind.

For many years, I thought it was important to do something adventurous on my birthday, so I have fire walked, rafted down class 5 rapids, and got a tattoo....just to name a few.

One birthday, I did something that probably few people have ever done. I was born at 1:17am. At the time I was working in a psych unit of the hospital where I was born. The thing that makes this kind of interesting, is....the day room of the psych unit used to be the delivery room. So, at that time, I went down there, unlocked the door and went in there and sat quietly. I can't say that I got any strange feelings, or memories....but I thought it was kind of cool. Just the experience of it.

Many of my birthdays included partying into a stupor, so while I would love to, I can't even tell you what I did. The first one I remember is my 16th birthday. I used to have a Rambler station wagon, where the seats folded down to one long "bed". I think there were about 10 of us that piled into it and went to the drive in theater. "Clockwork Orange" was playing. That was the night I watched a friend of mine, who was brilliant, change. After that night, he started talking like the characters in that movie. It was scary. I also don't think I will go into the details, but I think I witnessed a mind, interrupted that night. The "establishment" (or anyone over 30) tried to say it was drugs.....I think we all knew it was something much more serious than that, but that was the easy thing to blame. It was sad.

The drinking age was 18 at the time, and on my 18th birthday I happened to be in Germany with a concert band tour. It was run kind of like the Army, with no one allowed to drink or smoke. Luckily, the people who were on this trip who were there to "watch over us" were my friends (there were many who were younger on this trip), so the chaperones and myself all snuck out to a bar and I had a few "lemon wodkas" and a whole lot of cigarettes, and lived to tell about it. The threat to us was if they caught us, they would leave us in that country and we had to find our own way back. It was fun, a little dangerous, so I guess that fits into an adventure! Just a little aside...Lorrena McKennit (sp?) was a member of this group. She was in the tour choir. (She is famous now, we all knew she would be).

My 21 birthday, I kind of remember. It didn't mean as much as it does now. I was living in Dallas, TX and was being terribly abused by this guy I was living with. I decided to "escape" and return to Montana for the summer. I went back to the bar I used to work in, in Bozeman, MT, and spent it with my friends from there (mostly bikers). In those days, we used to say we would die for each other, and that we would never loose touch......I have no idea where any of them are, of if they are still alive (we lived a rather risky life in those days).

Over the years I have spent my birthday with different people in different ways. When I was living in Georgia, I met a woman briefly one day in a coffee shop. I noticed her earrings and mentioned that I liked them. From there we connected a few times on the computer (the internet was just getting started back then). I barely knew her, but we went to Lillith Fair on my birthday together. It was fun. I kept wondering how I was spending a day that was supposed to be with good friends, or family with someone I barely knew....but, I was never one to stand on ceremony.

In recent years, my birthday has usually been gathering a few friends to go out for a meal together. Last year, although it wasn't on my actual birthday, a friend treated me to a concert, and this year, as I think I have already written, a friend paid for an art course for me. These were both very generous and wonderful gifts.

But, this birthday is different. I haven't had the energy to arrange anything. I tried calling a few people to see if they wanted to go out to eat tomorrow (well now it is today), but I didn't tell them it was my birthday, I just didn't want them to feel obligated.....so, I guess I am spending my birthday alone. Is this a sign of getting older that I really don't care?

I gave up years ago of caring if I got presents or cards. I am not that materialistic. But I always enjoyed company. Now, even that seem unnecessary. I guess it may also be one of the "side effects" of this illness. Having fun is something that makes me pay in pain and fatique for days afterward. Maybe it has reached the point that I would rather spend even my birthday doing nothing but resting, as the consequences are so painful.

I guess on some levels this makes me sad. Did I ever think that I would become a person who was ok with spending a birthday doing nothing? Me? The party girl, adventure seeker, wild one.....I guess it took a major illness to tame me, but here I am tamed. In about 30 minutes, 54 years ago I entered this world....I bet there were hopes and dreams for me. I bet none of them came true. I have heard this statement twice today (in different ways), but basically:

If you choose a path, and don't realize that it may not be the one you are on, you may miss that which you are offered that just may be where you are supposed to be....

I wonder, is that what has happened? I certainly can not look back and say I am sad, or regret any of the amazing years/experiences I have had in my life. I can only look back and wonder how I got where I am now? It isn't the path I would have thought I would be on, nor one that I hoped I would be on......but, here I am, and I think I am pretty good at keeping my eyes open for whatever this may be leading me toward?

So, I am hoping this next trip around the sun reveals to me the reason I have had to leave what I thought would be my path, behind. I hope I am set on the path that leads me to the purpose I know I am here to do. I am also hoping that maybe there will be some new characters that come along to guide me, play with me, help me along this new path. There already is, and I am very excited about that!!! (you know who you are...he he)....So, Happy Birthday to me, and I wish that this be a year of healing, not only for me, but those who join me on this path of the 54th year of life! namaste

Is it an accident that God and dog are reversed?

Here they are! My furry little friends. The cute little wolf hybrid puppy is a neighbor, but all the rest are my little lovelies! So let me introduce you.

Keefa: she is on the upper left. This is the dog that I call my soul mate, not only call her that, she is that. She is a 14 year old Carolina Dog, aka American Dingo. If you would like to read about her breed, Google "Carolina Dog" and look for the article from the "Smithsonian". I am writing a book about how we met, and how we have tamed each other. Keefa was a wild dog, mistaken for an abandoned puppy, and we have been on a spiritual path together. She has helped me realize how important it is to be kind and gentle, to not push too hard, and to figure out how to help her live in a world she doesn't always understand. (hmm, and isn't that what I did when I was a psychotherapist?) I am almost certain that she was abused by a neighbor of mine. I will not go into this, as it was pretty horrible, but helping her get through that experience and trust even me again, was heartbreaking. Anyway, someday, maybe you will get to read the whole experience, as it is special.

Sasha: Sasha is the wolf hybrid puppy. She and her human were walking by the house when I was taking pics of mine, and because she is so cute, I decided I would run out and take a picture of her amazing blue eyes. She was my next door neighbors dog's puppy, one out of 6. So I have seen her since she was weeks old. A couple of the other puppies live close to here too. I think they are so beautiful, and the mom and these pups are the sweetest dogs.

So, they are there side by side, because both are wild dogs, who have come into our lives to teach us. At least I believe the wild ones come to us for a reason. Mine was truly wild, but supposedly all the dogs in the world, come from both these dogs. They are the original canines. And we, the humans saw the potential of making them "ours". Or, maybe they the wild ones, saw the potential to make us their project! What are these beautiful creations that have been put on this Earth? If nothing else, I think the lesson they teach us is loyalty. We, yep us fellow humans, have asked these guys to change their ways, and to come to us, and live in our world. Wow, what a gift this is! And, I believe it is now our duty to care for these beauties. That may be to simply treat them kindly, feed them, and love them. But, the other way, is to respect them and their story and what they come to tell us. Then and finally, the other way is to care for those that are still in the wild. Living the life that they came to life. I don't know what is going on with the Dingo's in Australia, but I do know some about the controversy over the wolves in Yellowstone Park. I do kind of understand the sheep ranchers concerns who were losing their lambs to the wolves, but I think I am voting for the wolves in this case. They are letting us share their land. They were here running free and doing their thing before we came to encroach upon their territory. So, I put these two wild dogs, side by side, to remind us....our wild sides are good. We need to listen to them and to know that we too can run free......but then there is the other side to that, what we have done to these wild ones......and that leads me to the next pics....

Mika: OMG, isn't she cute! This is my baby who is an almost 14 year old Shih Tzu.....about as far from a wild dog as you can get. Can you believe that this little tiny dog, came from the wolf, the wild dog? I once sat in front of a display at the Smithsonian Museum, that mapped the transition from wild and free, to tiny little lap dog....but who also had a place in assisting humans to make it in this world. I call her, my little ambassador of love. While Keefa, had to overcome many obstacles to live in the human world, this little one was loved and cared for since day one. She too came to me in a way that showed me it was "supposed to happen", but the lessons I have learned from her have been very different. Even though she was a little one, she seemed to have no fear, while her larger housemate was filled with fear.

I put the picture of the other domesticated animal, the cat (Indigo) basically just to show how little Mika is. Of course, Indigo is a big boy. When the EMT's were called to my house a couple of months ago, Indigo made himself at home on top of one of their pieces of equipment. The EMT who was attending to me, lifted up the bag where Indigo was sitting, and said "I appreciate cats of substance" I thought that was funny. I took Mika to get professionally groomed for the first time ever today. I usually do it, but realized that I could not physically handle this any more. So, that is why she has a bow around her neck. I am not the kind of human that dresses up their animals!

Ok,my friends. This is a blog that really has not a lot of meaning. Unless you want it to. I titled it in a manor that could stimulate some thought. I sometimes see God in my dog's eyes, actions, and behaviors. Jesus teaches us to love one another, to hold no judgement towards one another. Well, I think that dogs can teach us that easily.

The other day I witnessed something that gave me pause (paws) to reflect about my own behaviour. I watched a couple walking down the street with a dog on a leash. This couple was pretty obviously low income, and possible had some challenges mentally. They were dressed rather oddly, and both were quite dirty. I was sitting in a car, waiting for my friend, so I just sat and watched this couple and their dog. I also watched the people around them. The people that walked by, were seemingly either dismissive of this couple, or appalled by them. The couple would look at people and would smile, but NO ONE returned that. Most would look the other way, and would make sure that there was quite a lot of space between them and the couple. At one point, they stopped walking and sat down on a stone wall. The dog stopped, and looked at them, wagged it's tail, moved very close to them, and licked them on the hand and face. Then, a dog that I could see no human companion anywhere, walked up to check out the couple and their dog. After the dogs did their thing, the new dog turned it's attention to the couple. It wagged it's tail, it let them pet it. It looked quite happy and content.

I was thinking while watching this scene, or listening in my mind rather, to the song by Joan Osborne...."what if God were one of us?" I don't know, but I do think that everything we could learn about loving one another, about loyalty, and non judgemental behaviour....well, could be learned from our Canine friends. I don't think there is a coincidence that God and dog are such similar words!

Hmm, just read back through this, and realized it is pretty much well, not writing I am happy about, but I don't really care......I am tired, so I should have waited, but basically, I just wanted you to see my happy little family. These little creatures are who I find so much comfort from. I so enjoy sharing my life with them, and I sure hope visa versa! I know we all think our animals are the cutest and most special.....I am odd, I don't. I think ALL animals are special. They all help us live a better life in this world, as long as they are treated well by us. So, quit reading this now, and if you are lucky enough to share your life with one of these kinds of God's creatures.....go thank it!

Have's vs the Have Nots, which is which and who is who?

Well my friends, I hope this finds you happy, healthy and wise. Oh ok, at least one of them. I should probably put wealthy in there too! I am at least two of those, I will let you choose. LOL

Not much really happening that made me want to rush here and write about, so today, it may just be a rambling bunch of words, thoughts, and ideas. Which could either be interesting, or boring...lets hope for that first one.

Well, I made it though yet another dental crisis. My father had the same issues. His teeth were great, no problems, no cavities...then bam.....they started falling apart. So, I guess once again, whilst swimming through that gene pool, I scooped a heapin helpin of teeth set to fall apart after age 50. But my friends, here is the really cool things.....dentists just ain't what they used to be! I just had a tooth almost rebuilt from nothing, as half my real tooth fell out, the other half was an old filling. But, there she was (very nice new, very young dentist) creating a new tooth for me. I am sure in the "olden days", that would have been a pull or a crown. So, I am very thankful for all the new fangled dental mojo. Of course, she did say that it is possible this won't work, and I will end up needing a crown......well, yes, which means that it would be nice if I were a "have" in this world, but since I believe I am now an official "have not".....no crowns for me! So, lets hope the newly created tooth, does it's thang! I had to cancel my second cleaning of the year, as I just used up all my benefits for dental.

Speaking of the "haves" and "have nots", I am totally obsessed with Anais Mitchell's new CD "Hadestown". It is based on the myth of Orpheus, Eurydice, Persephone and the crew. It is about poverty, and selling one's soul to get what they have, and keep what they have got. The most powerful song (in my opinion, but it is my blog, so of course it is my opinion), is "Why We Build the Wall". If there is ever a song that has reached me on a primal level about poverty and the "haves and have nots" it is this song! It also speaks to us about what this new world we live in, full of fear has done to us! I would suggest you go to Youtube and try to find this song, just give it a listen, and see if you are as affected by it as I am. I saw Anais sing this live, at a benefit concert (she lives locally, but sings globally now, as Ani DiFranco discovered her), and I can't remember the last time a song effected me so greatly. All my little hairs were standing up to attention on my arms, and I actually started shivering, and had tears in my eyes! This CD has Greg Brown sing as Hades, and his voice is Tom Waits- like, so it is pretty powerful.

On another subject, I once again found myself in a discussion about Spirituality last night, in a chat type situation. I would not suggest trying to have a serious deep conversation by chat...LOL It is kind of hard. It made me realize that what I have been trying to say all along, is that I just don't make reference to Bible verses, but I believe I still say basically the same thing. It is, to me, like I didn't go to formal school and read all the reference books, I just observed what is around me. So, I think I will say that I come from the school of hard knocks, as far as my spirituality goes. Does that mean I am less "spiritual" than those who read the Bible and can quote passages? I don't think so. Part of what made me think this, is when I was in a discussion about the person who sent me the email, about the prayer that ended up heading another direction. The person I was "chatting" with, is a friend of the person who sent that email, and was instructing me (and the other's there) that her spirituality is "right on". To which I fully agree. But, because she can quote from the Bible, does that mean she is any closer to God than I am? (disclaimer here, the man I was talking with was not inferring that, it just got me thinking) I believe there are many out there who would agree. Well, I have known some people who are not therapists, but who are much better listeners than many therapists I know. They have this natural, innate ability to guide someone through their inner pain. Does that mean that they are "less than" those that have gone to school to learn the lingo? I don't think so. It does mean that person is not allowed to go out and call her/himself a psychotherapist (maybe a life coach). Well, I am not going out there and telling anyone that I am a Spiritual leader, I am not saying I am a minister.....but, I am saying that I think that somehow, I have learned from the world around me....that Spirit lives within me. Is that a better explanation? (I will admit here, I have part of my mind on what I am writing, and the other is listening to the "Hadestown" CD! LOL Right now Ani DiFranco is singing...such a voice she has!!!

And, just to make you dear reader feel like you are on some kind of thrill ride, here is a change of subject that is totally random (maybe, kind of like the house of mirrors, you just don't know now do you?)....tomorrow, my lil shih tzu gets professionally groomed for the first time in her almost 14 years of life!!! I am so excited for how cute, snuggly, soft and good smelling she will be. I just can no longer do it myself. Just another thing that has left my tool box of things I could do for myself. I can not afford this, but I know how miserable she seems to be. Her hair feels like mine after 2 weeks of not washing it (yes, I do know how this feels, unfortunatly just recently when I was so sick, I couldn't get the energy up to wash my hair). So, things to look forward to....

There we are. Things are scaled down in my life. I am feeling like this is one of the biggest splurges I could ever do. I am excited to do this for her, and me. How many people in this life take this kind of thing for granted. It is more a chore, a task to click off on their "to do list". It is a have/ have not kind of thing. So, while poverty sucks, don't get me wrong....I do think it has taught me to appreciate little things, like a clean, good smelling dog. I also know, that I take clean running water coming out of a tap for granted, and there are plenty out there who have to walk 3 hours one way, each day to get questionable drinking water. So, in that case, I am a Have.

I have gone from being a quite Having Have, and here I am now, being a kind of fringe Have Not. Being a Have was easier! But, did I take the time to truly appreciate every little thing? NO! There is something in this life to a kind of "struggle". I know back in the mid 80's I was working/directing a non-profit. Those of us who were working for a similar cause all came together and worked with one another to get the word out, and to beg for money (as that is basically what non-profit admin does). I moved away for awhile. I returned and found an interesting thing had happened in my abscence. All the work we had been doing paid off. Literally, as there was now a large pot of money to draw from for this cause. What I noticed however, was there was no longer a sense of working together, What I found more than ever, was everyone trying to get a bigger piece of the pie than the next one. WTF? Where was the working together? Where was the solidarity in the struggle? Hmm, it seems they sold their souls to ummmm Hades? They built a wall, all around themselves to protect what they had, and to keep out the have nots. It was such an illusion however. From outside that wall, it was pretty easy to see what was happening, but those inside the wall were lured to think that if they kept working hard to protect what they had, to keep out those who needed....well, I think they kind of lost all sight of what we were trying to do in the first place. Sad really.

Maybe I should from time to time, just check in to see what life is giving me. Am I using my gifts that have been provided to help others, and assist those who have less than me? Or, am I using everything I have to keep those out? To hold onto what I have, because it seems meager. I don't know, I would like to think that I fall into the category of those who continue to see and use my gifts, and not wall them away so other's can't get to them.....but, I know that when you are in that wall, it is hard to see outside. I think this may also be reflected in the spiritual wall that could be built by those who "have" and those perceived as "have nots".

But, today I have a new tooth, tomorrow I will have a cuddly dog....maybe life is good? So, out of the qualities I was hoping for you today, health, wealth, happiness and wisdom which do you have, and which is important to you? Which do I have? Choose carefully, and and watch out for Hades!

OMG literally!

There is magic afoot! Something is currently going on with me, that is causing lots and lots of tears. I haven't cried this much in years, or maybe ever. The thing is, it is not all painful, sad tears, or even happy tears.....these are deeper, much deeper, like I am weeping out some universal spiritual substance.

I won't mention names, although if you are reading this, those of you who I am about to write about, you will know it is you.....but there has been some "miracles" going on in my life lately, and I think it is about time I write this down. I think with some of this mind, mood, body, spirit alteration comes pain. Maybe that is what some, most, all? my pain has been about lately. It is kind of back to the liver theory, of a couple of blogs prior to this. I know that I am deeply spiritually connected to this cosmos. I am not going to give any kind of label to what this believe system is, because to me it is not a belief. I think for it to be a belief, I would have had to be taught it. I think this just comes into me. For years, and years and years, I can't really even begin to tell you how long....childhood I know....I have said this prayer....."Please come through me, so others can know you as I do". Ok there it is, a simple, yet complex childhood prayer.

I want to start this by saying that, when i was little, somehow I figured out that hypocrisy was a component of the human condition that bothered me. I remember writing a little book and making drawings in it, called the "Religion of the Animals" (or some childhood version of that statement). Unfortunately, my parents were not ones to save any of my childhood art work. But, I remember clearly sitting in my closet (a place I sat a lot), and making this book. I knew that our dog at the time a big black lab called Congo, was closer to God, than any human being I knew. I also remember watching birds and bugs, and the wonderment of all that was outside, and seeing that they were not anything but "there". I felt a peace with these creatures, that humans just didn't do for me.

I also want to introduce you to someone that has been in my life since I can remember. She came to me at night, she mostly came to me in my closet....it was my Blue Angel. She was beautiful, and she would let me sit in her lap. I had a few other "imaginary friends" and I would talk about them...Tommy in particular, but the Blue Angel was all mine, I didn't share her with anyone. I now have a tattoo on my ankle of her, but the strange thing is, when I got that tattoo, i didn't really even remember her, well on that night, as friend and I decided to get tattoos.....but there she was, coming back to me, reminding me she had never left, and will never leave me again...literally!

Ok, what is bringing this on......well, over the past couple of months some interesting things have happened to me. Some of you will read this and decide that I am nuts....that is ok. Some may read this and think..oh oh, airy fairy new age, woo woo stuff.....ok, so be it. But, I really hope you will read this and think about the possibilities, that exist in all of us. I am not going to say this is one religion or one way of thinking, so instead of calling this anything that comes from any religion, I am just going to say Spirit...ok? You can put in what ever you would like, and I think it will still work....if you put Jesus or Christ, if you want to say God, or Buddha, or Ganish, Allah.....whatever, I think it will work...

For quite some time, I have known that I have been able to be intuitive, psychic, a trance channel, mystic....what ever you want to put in there too. I have been connected to Spirit. I think this is because I have not only learned to speak with Spirit in prayer, but to listen in meditation. And, along the way, I have recognized that Spirit speaks to me in any number of different ways. Feelings, visions, signs, little coincidences, and when I needed it, a swift kick or knock upside the head!

Just today, a most marvelous thing happened. I got an e-mail from someone who I have recently met on line (meaning of course, we have not met face to face). She sent something that she was hesitant to send because as she put it "I really do not know you well enough to know if any of this has any impact upon your life". What she sent me was something that came to her while she was praying for me about my pain. It was a whole other subject about my childhood. She included the prayer, which was basically a healing for me and my father. I read this with tears streaming down my face. It touched me on a level so deep, so unexpected from someone who doesn't even know me....to write something so true. (Ok, for those of you who are quite astute and faster thinking than my writing....yes, it was actually from someone who not only knows me, but to most people's way of thinking, created me!). Spirit chose to use her to speak to me. And this comes at a very interesting time. I have been having nightmares about my father. I won't go into them, but basically, my father who died in 2001 comes to me in my dreams, not to comfort me....and I know he is dead, and he knows he is dead, but still there he is....it is unnerving at best! But, there was this email, with a prayer to ease this recent and past experience. Coincidence?

Next.....I have had a friend in my life for a few years now. I knew I was going to meet him prior to my actual in physical plane meeting of him. I knew that we were working out some karmic stuff. Not only him, but with his whole family. I had never met his family, nor basically him for any length of time, and I was getting all these visions,messages, and actual action plans, for him AND his family....especially his daughter and youngest son. I can't go into detail about this, because it is personal.....but why I want to mention this is....I think this is why I became so sick. I was there to help him and his family members work through a situation that was about to occur. I think, for the most part I did.....but then it got too much for me. I asked him, as well as Spirit to break the karmic connection I had with him and his family. I think it worked, but interesting to me, was that both his daughter and I (her "guides are who first came to me about this/him before I met him), ended up in the hospital with pretty serious illnesses at the same time.....Coincidence? I recently wrote him a letter explaining this. Will he understand it? I don't know. I think on some level. If by chance he reads this blog I hope he understands that everything that was done, all the coincidences in our lives....everything was Spirit connected. I know, because of the premature break, that we will do some kind of dance again...that is fine. What is really interesting to me about this too....is I think right now, even though we are now going our separate ways....both of us are finding the same path of Spiritual meaning....all my recent events, and "signs" are kind of similar to what I know he is now experiencing.......Coincidence?

I could actually go on for hours, or pages as the case may be, about this kind of Spiritual hijinx that is happening to me. A friend called me the other day, who, if there is anyone who is connected to the "other side" it is her. Even she will say that she is "way out there", but she said that we are going through a time right now, which of course I can't remember what she called it, but it is similar to the spiritual harmonics, or convergence of years past. when she was telling me this, it was like YES!!! It seemed that all these events, signs, and yes even some swift kicks had been telling me that it was time....for what?

It is time to quit looking only inward. I think it is time to know that we have to work together to heal ourselves, our planet, and others. It seems to me that more people than ever have been reaching out to me in prayer. In years past, that may have frightened me a little. But, I have been relishing in these prayers lately. They feel good. It is really about love.

I know I have mentioned many times, I think...about a little barn own named Molly. A simple little act of nature, caught on "tape" as they say, for millions to watch. What was supposed to be just a web site for family and friends went viral. Millions from all over the world started watching and chatting as she first laid her eggs, then tended to them, then the owlets hatched, and then we watched with joy, amusement, fear, and even some sadness as these little ones grew up, and flew away. But what I found really odd, I mean it, odd and strange and weird and unusual......those of us who "bonded" ( those who are a participant of the owl box experience will get the kind of pun that word implies. Bonding with barn owls is like a "quickie" to be blunt. It is not actual copulation, but kind of like a mimic of it while the female owl is sitting on the eggs, it happens at least a couple of times a night....and if, like me, you have your ear buds in.....watch out, as it gets very LOUD), but anyway......what was just kind of freaking me out....how much we all told each other we loved one another. What? We barely know each other, and we love one another? How Odd.....especially coming from a family where that word was not used.

In recent years, I have learned how to be comfortable with that word. But, it was not easy. The word "love" for most of my life was like finger nails on a chalk board. I couldn't say it, or hear it....freaked me right the heck out. I also couldn't look anyone in the eyes, that was another instant make me want to throw up action.....but, you may think I have digressed a little here, I am just saying....how easy it is to actually truly love these people. Kindred owl watchers from around the world. Here is the other thing.....I am NOT an owl lover. In fact, owls used to kind of freak me out. My parents would always talk about how the owl in the window meant death, or something like that. So, how did I get to a place, that really I would never have sought out myself?.....coincidence?

The story I started with today, the woman who sent me the prayer, we met on the owl box web site. I have also met some other people there who are changing my life. I believe, somehow, these little owls have been the harbingers of my ability to love deeply. I think one of the people I have met on this site, to whom we have become quite close, can be able to strongly attest to this. I wrote her an e-mail, and I told her something I have never told another living human being. It was weird, it just happened. It has to do with love, and my childhood, and into my current state as a person who is often sick and in pain......but really, it all goes back to love......coincidence?

At the beginning of this rather longer than I expected blog, I mentioned my tears. I said that I have been crying out some universal spiritual substance....what do you think? Should we call it LOVE?

You decide......

Coyote Ugly, with a twist....

What happened to yesterday? How is it possible to go from a pain free (almost) day, to one that I can't get anything to knock down the pain level. This seems unfair. But then, what does that mean? So, the following is a peak into, how to try to make intense unrelenting pain go away....or, I do try other things besides the pain killers.....

Earlier today, I wanted to come on here and get very deep and philosophical. I had some thoughts that I wanted to share, about spirituality, love etc. But now, the pain is all I can think about. I have tried everything I know how to try to get this to quit. I have spent about 3 hours total in a hot bath, which feels fairly good while I am in there, but the minute I get out....back to pain level 15 out of 10. So, I try distraction, which can work on some days....music, writing, reading, watching TV, but can't keep my mind on anything but the pain. Ok, time for meditation. First, I did the no thoughts, just get into that zone....nada, just kept bringing the thoughts back to the pain. So, then I tried the other way, get into the pain...what is it telling me? After about 30 minutes of this, I was ready to go do something crazy. I couldn't think of anything, but something like go put a a new computer on my credit card, or go drive to someplace far away, I have never been but have been wanting to see, or go to the local swimming hole and just pound the crap out of these arms and legs, I can't see how they could hurt any more......but, reality sank in...would that help? NO my rational being yelled back at me.

I thought maybe I could cook my way into feeling better. So I decided to make a nice healthy dish of quinoa and lots of veggies in a cold salad with a lime vinegrette. Again, I thought hey, I can't hurt worse, so I walked over to the coop, and back and stood to make the salad.... I became so nauseous from the pain, there was no way I could eat or enjoy the salad.

I thought maybe if I called a friend and tried to talk, that would help....I am so glad I got voice mail, as I heard my voice sound like I was about to burst out in tears at any second....don't think I would have been a very good conversationalist! So now what....

I have taken the most dose I am prescribed of the pain killers, and a little extra, and while it has maybe taken the pain down to a 12 out of 10, for some reason even these little wonders are not working today. Why? Why was yesterday so good, and now today......this. I wish I had the answer, because then maybe I could make it go away...weather? maybe??

well, my friends, basically I thought this would be another way of distracting, that maybe if I wrote about it, it would help, but what it is doing is making my arms and hands way more sore. Crap. I guess it is back into the tub go I......I also don't understand what is keeping me in my body today. Where is the disassociation I spoke of before, even that isn't happening, and that is usually kind of automatic. I don't know what to say except......

Mary is not having a good day! I think this could be like coyote ugly with a twist.....I need to chew my arms and legs off to get away from myself in pain (which I guess is like an unwanted bed partner?)

I think I am learning something...I am a human being!

Today is a good day. I can't tell you why. Yesterday, not only was I confused and sad and angry and all sorts of ways....today, I just seem to be happy. Yay me! So, what has changed? Well, for one, the pain, fatigue and weakness appear to be taking a back seat to everything today. My mind is a little mushy, but for the most part, I am able to stay present, enjoy the little things I find....like the joy of touching the Touch Me Not, or Jewel Weed....I don't think I will ever tire of those little spring loaded pockets of weed seed throwing devices! I wonder, did the Creator create that to be so entertaining that we just couldn't help ourselves from doing that? Ok, I am sure the more scientific of you are saying something like "No, it is so sensitive so when something brushes against it, or a strong wind even, will propagate it's species", but I like to take it to the amazing and absurd!

Yesterday, I found myself quite taken aback by some of the comments (not made publicly) about my blog. I was so confused. I guess it sounded like i was saying that I believed or thought that maybe it was true that the drugs were causing me more pain......nope, nada, no way jose! What I was trying to say, was.....that if some doctors were saying that maybe it was true that the literature was saying that, then maybe I would have to start over again to prove that it wasn't so. That is why I wanted medical assistance, so they could actually see and document the fact that when I go off pain killers, I become what some may call a hot mess....or just a plain hot headed mess. I am not so nice, or kind, or wise, or witty. I know these things, I have lived through them. If you read any of the replies to my blog yesterday, an Angel, named Angel wrote a beautiful response. As Angel said I could have been writing her words, she very beautifully wrote mine. The pain was there before the drugs, the pain will be there after the drugs, the pain is there during the drugs.....I am just trying to live my best life. That is all I want. So, as things would go in my life.....I believe in signs, I think God sends them to me daily, and if I am awake, I catch them....sometimes they are called consequences, sometimes they are called a kick to the head, but anyway....today I was sent another message.

A friend, who I have recently met, suggested that I read a book he had read. He said it was about questioning religion, or something like that. It sounded maybe like something interesting, but also I was a little dubious. But, I got it.....and here is a quote: "...pain has a way of clipping our wings and being able to keep us from being able to fly. And if it's left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget you were ever created to fly in the first place" The Shack by Wm. Paul Young. YES!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok along with this quote, came a little gift late last night. I am still having problems with insomnia, so I tend to go to a chat room and video cam of a little barn owl named Molly. I will confess, if there is anything I am addicted to right now, it is this owl! But, in chat I met a person (I have no clue if it is male or female, but I am just going to say he, cuz it is one letter less to type *grins*) who is a medical professional. I won't go into the whole almost 2 hour chat, but basically he said I am on the right path. Pain needs to be looked at carefully but the effects from chronic pain, can be just as bad, if not worse than the side effects from the pain meds. He listened very carefully to my concerns, to my symptoms, and to my theory. His suggestion is that I am on a low dose of narcotics, especially for how long I have been on them, and that I have no need to prove anything to my doc (especially the one who prescribed them) as he already knows my level of pain, or he would not be prescribing them. Ok, validation.

So, now that I have these 3 "gifts", I see. I see that what I am doing is trying to remember that I am created to fly. If I keep myself from flying because of some opinions of others who do not live in my body, do not know my level of pain, and who can in no way understand what I need to function, well then I am grounded. And being grounded is sad. Sometimes I don't even think we know we are grounded, we just know we feel sad, or somehow cheated out of something we know, something deep deep inside.

I believe that because I know I was created to fly, I know that there is greatness, beauty and wonder in this world, and it is all there for my taking.....well then, why not do what ever it is that makes me stay in that place. After all....I can use that old saying...well, if God didn't want me to take them, then he wouldn't have invented them....LOL

So, today I am flying. Not just because of those 3 things. There is another really huge, really big lesson I apparently have learned, and I am giving myself a great big old atta girl for this one.....just because I am having a good day, does not mean I have to clean house, weed wack the yard, take a long walk (although I would absolutely love to do this), or anything that is going to jeopardize this good day. I still need to take it easy, to do things on a small but enjoyable level. This is not me. In the past, good days were for pushing myself to get things done, as you never know when another good day is coming. So today, I enjoy my good day. Maybe tomorrow I will also enjoy another good day, because today I learned to enjoy this day. Maybe I am on to something. It is ok to be a human being. That is what we are called. So today, I choose to be a human being, not a human doing, or a human thinking....I am a human being. I can touch Jewel Weed and be thrilled. I can feel the air on my face and enjoy the texture of it, the smell, and the sound. I can just be.

Can you?

now what?

Hello again. Well, I guess it is back to the drawing board once again. I went to the rheumatologist (I can't ever spell that right), today, and she was really nice, but yet again, I am coming away sans diagnosis. Well, I have a little one, possible metabolic myositis, which is very rare. She thinks, and I hope, that this last episode that landed me in the hosptial twice, may have been some funky reaction to meds that I have been on for years, but just "turned against me". Basically, these are statins for high cholesterol levels. She is going to suggest to my doctor, (but said that if it were her, she may just wait to see if I have another episode), that there is an expert in this at Dartmouth that I could go see. I think I will wait. I really don't care anymore.

I continue to think that what I am having is a combination of ehlers daniels syndrom (EDS), fibromyalgia, and dercums, with a smattering of osteoarthritis thrown in for fun. At first she said that my knees showed no signs of arthritis, (from her physical exam), but then I told her my MRI and orthopedic surgeon say differently. She pulled up the MRI, and said...."well look at that, you do". However, because I am sooooo flexible, it just doesn't look like I have stiffness like you would find in typical arthritis knees. Yep, that would be the EDS, which she agreed. So, I am relieved and also kind of mad. It is that strange place of wanting it to be something that can be treated, so it will go away, and glad it is nothing that is serious and can be treated but means more meds, more tests, etc.

Because she was so nice, I decided to ask her some other questions, like....can this just be some strange genetic mutation that is just me? She shrugged. I am beginning to think this. This happens all the times, and I drive doctors crazy. I get these whacked out lab results, or test results, then months, weeks, days, hours later....they are back to normal. Amazing healing abilities? Maybe. Ok, here is where it is going to get either very informative, strange, or entertaining.....but, I think I am the liver of the world!

Really! Sometimes, I think that everything just passes through me, and I heal it...but in the meantime, I pick it up. Is that really any crazier than dercum's, or fibromyalgia, or the common cold? My whole life has been about suffering. I won't bore all of you with why I say that, I am sure some of you who have known me would agree, and others are scratching your heads and wondering WTH is she talking about. The fact, that I think my whole life has been about suffering, yet here I am, fairly intact. Fairly able to laugh with the best of them, and avoid crying with most of them....well, I think that says something. Does it say I am strong? maybe Does it say I am just nuts? maybe Does it say that I am just focusing on the bad, and maybe everyone has this, I just pay more attention to it....(believe me, I have heard this).....well, that I don't think so.

So, now we go back to the narcotic pain killers. Do I need them? Well, I think so, but then again, how would I know, as apparently they trick you into thinking you need them. That is the "current thinking", so says many of the docs. Well, I am about at the point of saying, "OK, lets give that a try". God bless me for even thinking this! I know what my life is like without these evil little pills. It SUCKS. But, ok, maybe THEY have a point, and I do not know what I am doing. If I can pull up any amount of bravery, the next time I see my PCP.....I just may explore this, and do an experiment. If he will agree to detox me in the most unpainful way possible (I have been on these things for years, I don't think detox will be pretty) even if that means some rehab (and hopefully one that can work with chronic pain, not just chronic abusers of meds), then I might, just might agree to do a little experiment. If I do this, I don't think you can expect me to be very "around", but who knows....maybe it will be the answer. I don't know. I am just as confused as everyone else.

In my heart of hearts, I don't think that what I have is your common garden variety fibromyalgia. I just don't. I do think it explains some of my symptoms. I think that Dercum's explains many of my symptoms too. But, I just want my life back. Ok, so if it is the narcotics that are robbing me from my life....then lets get rid of them (she, the nice new doc suggested this may be the case, but did say that with, well, that is what is in the literature currently) hmmmm, I wonder, how much influence does the DEA have with that literature? But, who am i to question those who "know"?

I certainly have well meaning friends and family who think I should get off those "horrible" things. I don't know, who are they listening to? They are what makes me functional. But, right now I am barely functional with them, so why not go whole hog non-functional and see what happens? Well, fear for one answer. Pain is not easy to live with my friends (as many of you know), I fear that I will just "go away". I can leave my body pretty fast, and my fear is that I may choose to leave it, and just not return. No, I am not talking suicide or anything like that, I am just talking the ability to disassociate. I learned that as a child. Nice tool to have if you don't mind sitting and staring into space with a blank look on your face.

This is such an ever lasting, on going, time consuming battle in my head. And people think we like to take these meds! I don't know. This is yet again, one of those posts that I should probably chalk up to, getting my ya ya's out, and not for public consumption....but then again, I know not just me struggles with these issues. I bet, there are many of us out there who would just like to have a life that is filled with love, laughter, joy, happiness, contentment.....isn't that what everyone wants. Ok, now I am crying.....for I just don't see that in my future. Not to the degree that I want it. I see me coping with this pain, I see me having moments of joy and happiness, and of course laughter (cuz I love me some laughter), but I don't see it as sustainable. That is what scares me. NO, THIS IS NOT DEPRESSION SPEAKING....I think it is reality speaking. I so want to work again, to be out amongst the public, as most of you know, I am pretty darned extroverted (except when the pain and fatigue make me very darned introverted, but that is more like a forced state of being). But, I don't see that happening. I used to. I used to think that there was something i could do......but, that hope has slipped away. Well wait, not that it has totally slipped, I mean, I don't ever seeing me doing the kinds of jobs that I want to do. There is probably something I can do, if it is very flexible and accomodating????

Ok, I can't take up anymore of your, or my time with this......one of these days, there will be someone who will come up with an answer. Patience, is something that I have. In fact maybe to a fault....but right now, there are Monks in Tibet praying for me, who don't even know me, there are people who are working to figure out what is going on with our bodies/psyches/souls and how they all connect.....I think they will figure it out one day. Until then, I will continue to pray, to be a "liver" if that is my job, and to hopefully keep laughing.....cuz that really is the only medicine I like to take!

What's pain gotta do with it?

Hello everyone. Well, another day another adventure in bodyland. I have said before, and I am saying it again....all these illnesses that have invaded my body, make me an adventurous soul. Everyday, I wake up, I have something new to face. Will it be a good day, where I can get some things done? Will it be an ok day, where I can do some of the things I can enjoy, maybe talk to some friends on the phone, or computer? Or, will it be one of THOSE days, where i can barely hold on.

It is good when it is one of the first two, but of course that last one, which many of us know all too well, makes me want to shiver and hide. The reason why, I am very close to those days. I woke up today in pain that was taking my breath away. I was feeling very nauseous, and to think about moving was causing me to cry. Yeah, fun huh? So, I reach for the pain killers, and I pray...I pray they will work, as i am not wanting a day of barely holding on. These days not only hurt like hell, but for some reason they last forever. You know those really fun days that when you blink and they are gone, you wonder where the time goes? I think I have figured it out, it goes to these kind of days. The ones you want to have over in the blink of an eye, but that seem to last for decades.

But, as luck will have it, the pain killers kicked in. Some. I am sitting here writing to you, because, that is about all I can do. The thought of moving around still gives me the shivers. I know some people will say, "that is what you have to do, that is the only way to help the pain"...I agree...but not this time. I have pain now, that does not help to move around, because this is not the stiff and sore joint pain. This is the Dercum's Disease pain. Moving around is not the answer to these puppies.....they just hurt more. I have these lumps (for those of you who do not know, dercum's disease comes with painful lipomas (fatty tumors). The ones that are hurting so badly on me right now, are around my hip area. Every step I take brings on excruciating pain, as I think what happens are the lipomas get affected by gravity, and when they are moving toward the floor, they pull on the nerves.....just my opinion, I have no idea why they hurt like they do. But believe me, it is the kind that makes you want to not only bite the bullet, but put in right into the middle of your forehead!

The other day, I was in both physical and emotional pain. Today, it is mostly just the physical. However, I would like to be outside doing something fun, with a group of people. I would like to camp, or even to walk down to the end of the block and check out the farmer's market that happens here in my little town each Sunday. But, today is a day for sitting very still, and allowing the pain killers to work.

These are the kind of days, that I would like to have someone drop by, or call on the phone, but then, I am in such pain that I tend to not be very present. It actually makes talking to someone more difficult....I am sure you who have this problem can relate to that, those who may be reading this who do not may be wondering what makes it so hard to talk? I am not really certain I can answer that, except with the easy answer of the pain is so for front in my thinking, taking over all my concentration, that trying to listen to someone else is like trying to hear a conversation you are not only interested in, but if you do not hear what the person has to say, something bad could happen to you. At the same time the Beatles reunited (yes that would be a miracle), to sing just one song. What do you focus on, a miracle that you would just die to experience, or a converstation that could change your life......hmmmm? Well, that was kind of a strange example, but if the conversation is the pain....that which you would like to get away from, but can't, and the Beatles reuninon song another person's conversation, that which you so want to hear and be interested in....well.........you know what is going to probably win in the end. Even if the win is that you didn't get to fully pay attention to the song.

Wow, I am not sure I just did any justice trying to explain that. But, that is how my mind is working today. It kind of isn't. That is what pain does. I hestitated about writing this. I thought I should wait until the pain cleared some, the fog cleared some......and I could actually write something with some insight, or some humor, or something.....but here it is......this is what pain has to do with it. I think, it makes me, Mary into something that I never was, but I am afraid will forever be. I used to have a very sharp mind, and quick whit, an energy drive that could match anyone. And now, I have this constant companion called pain. It is like hanging out with the person who took everything you owned, and still allowing them to be by your side.

These pills, they dull the pain. They make me think for a few minutes that maybe the pain has left my side....but they are just masks. Don't get me wrong, if I did not have these masks, I fear what my life would really be like. I don't think I would have a life. Or, at least nothing anyone could call a life worth living.

So, I take the pills, I wait.....as I know each day is an adventure. Every day I wake up, I get to uncover if I get to have a life that is somewhat normal. A life that is somewhat filled with happiness, or is it going to be one of those hang on days......yes, these illnesses are not for whimps.....they are for those who love adventure!

New Day, New Emotions...or I love my friends!!!

Well, I got through yesterday. It wasn't easy. However, with some loving responses and phone calls from from my new kindred, and my cousin.....life got better. Well, I can't lie, the visit to the doctor to get additional pain killers to help with the pain was also a big factor. At least today I can walk without cringing and crying.

So my dear readers, what is on my mind today? Today is filled with possibilities! Quite different from yesterday, huh? Yes, my life has had to take a very different turn. Those possibilities, at least for now, are not what they used to be. There is no way I am driving very far, or taking a walk on my favorite trail, or doing anything that requires much physical exertion. I am afraid those days are over. I am not sure that my doctors would say the same thing, but I know. I can feel how far my body has declined in the past months. I know it is not purely deconditioning, as I try to do things (as you have read), even simple enjoyable things.....and I can no longer participate in them. So, it isn't for lack of trying. And, as I have now realized, that trying can put me down now for days......so, I have to realize, at least for now, and maybe forever.....what I used to think of as fun and socialization....may be over.

So, today.....today is a new day, with a new attitude. And, I was just sitting here wondering what I was going to do today. Planning my day, as it were. The thing that surprised me, is I don't think the day is long enough to get in all the things I want to do....and I mean things that I CAN do. This is exciting and wonderous to me, especially after the crash of yesterday.

So, what is it I can do? Well, I am in the middle of a book that I have been reading, and that is nice as for a few months there, I could not even read. So, that feels like something I would like to do. Of course there is my art work. I am working on a new yarn painting that I am very much enjoying. And, for those of you who have read the first chapter, and have encouraged me to continue....I have a book to write. I also have a number of movies that I have recorded onto my DVR that I need to watch soon, or they will POOF! LOL....

I am also hoping to start a new painting. Well actually, two. One of an image a friend took while visiting the US from Australia. It is an amazing photo she took at the San Diego Zoo of a wolf that she got to howl. She used photoshop to place the wolf into a very cool setting. She sent it to me to see her photoshop work, and gave me permission to paint it. I am very excited about this!!! The other, is a line from a poem another friend wrote. The line blew me away with it's imagery, so again, I asked permission to attempt to put it into a visual image, and she gave me her blessing.

AND THEN...he he...see!!!!! Of course, after taking that encaustics class (that I still can not believe what a generous and beautiful gift that was) I want to set up a studio to continue to do this work. I really should not spend the money (although, I am half way there because of my batik background), but one of these days, when I believe I can drive that far....I will go into Montpelier and get the needed supplies. I am VERY excited about that! Hmmm, maybe that is something I can get my social worker to do with me...hmmm??? LOL.

I do know though, that after taking that class, and the crash and pain that followed....I will have to work very slowly. But, that is the beauty of that medium...it allows for that.

So my friends.....if you see me heading down that path of feeling like because my life has changed so much, I am a different person, with nothing I can do any more.....remind me. Remind me that life is good, and needs to be documented...hence this blog! I know that many of you out there reading this have similar issues. I know your body has changed, has become something that seems so out of control, so foreign that you don't know what to do with yourself, well.....just sit, allow....know that the answer will come. The hopes and dreams that you had may not be within reach any longer, but there will be new ones that come into our lives. Be patient, they will come. (yah, I know, that is kind of odd for me to say, since yesterday, I thought my life would never have joy in it again, but see, see how fast it can turn around) he he he he!!!

Of course there are going to be bad days. That, I think, is unfortunate and inevitable. There will be days when the pain, the fatigue, the weakness will take over (as one friend who has Dercum's Disease calls it "the monster"), but it is temporary. Remember to hang on, to reach out (especially to those who love to laugh....muchas gracias to my late night friend and cousin calls last night)....and to remember, that even when you don't think anyone does or can.....you are loved. If you can't think of anyone....please remember this, and think of me!!! OK? Is that a deal?

Now, off to make my day one of creative fun, creative expression, along with the required rest!!! which even that at times can be a little more creative than I want (dreams).....LOL

I love you all, nameste!!!

Down dooby do Down Down!!!

well, I guess I have to admit it. Life just isn't that much fun sometimes. Even when I would like to come here and say that although I am sick, i can make light of it. Or, I can find things that make me realize that I am still lucky to be alive. well, my friends, today is not one of those days.

After my last blog, I am happy (I think) to say that I slept for almost 23 hours straight. My animals woke me up to remind me that they like to eat, but other than that....I slept. Yes, if you have been following this, or my face book entries, you know that I probably needed this kind of sleep. But, I woke up, and I was not feeling good. In fact, all I could really think about was how come I have to endure this kind of pain, and this life filled with chronic 24/7 pain, fatigue that actually hurts, and weakness that is now causing more issues for me to deal with. (mainly, I can no longer get in and out of my bath tub). I am having a full on pity party today. I wrote on FB status....."I am having a bad day, and it is only 6:25am"...or something like that. It is now 2:30 in the afternoon, and things are just marginally better.

I really don't know if anyone is reading this, no one has left any comments for awhile, but still....I will write. I usually want to write something positive, but today, I just can't. well, I could, but I would be lying. I am sick to death of having to live a life of coping. Of trying to keep my chin up and pretend I am happy, because that is what society wants me to be. Well, I guess that is what I want to be too, but it just isn't a happening thing. I go on face book, or read e-mail or run into people I know, who all have stories. They all are going somewhere exciting for vacation, they are getting married, having babies, getting engaged, finding a new relationship, buying a new house....etc. Yippee. I want to be happy for them, usually I am happy for them....today, i am sad for myself.

I think what makes it worse, is I just had a couple of good days. Then the crash. You think by now I would be used to this. It happens. It will always happen. I think this is a little different than your typical good day bad day scenario if you don't have some kind of chronic illness. I think when you have a chronic illness, there is this false hope that when the good days are there, the illness is easing up. Maybe even leaving your body. But then, it comes crashing down around you again, just to remind you.....you are sick.

Today I went to my doctor's office. I love them. There, I find the most compassionate people in my universe. They listen, they give me the meds I need to get me through this rough spot, and then they say...."don't worry, you will feel better". Will I? Really, will I? I don't think so. Not anymore. I used to. I used to have this hope that things would eventually get better, but now I think I have to face the reality....it just isn't going to happen. Yes, I am going to have good days. But, when I think of what good days mean to me now....it just makes me feel sad. I now get excited when I have a day where I can stand at the sink long enough to do a whole sink of dishes, and cook a good meal. I think a good day is when I can rest long enough to go out and do some social type event...but knowing I will pay for it for the next couple of days. Those are my good days now. Think of it, if you are reading this and do not have a chronic illness...think of what makes you think you had a good day. I bet washing dishes isn't high on that list.

Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. Luckily, I don't get into this place too often. I can usually look at my life and realize, even though it isn't great, it is much better than some. But today, it just feels like it doesn't matter any more. Why should I try any more? Yuck....I hate these kinds of days.

Ok, here is why I am writing this. I know, that many of you, if there is actually any of you reading this, have chronic illnesses.....I know that you get into days that feel this way too. I decided to write this because i think it is normal to feel this way. I told the P.A. I saw today, that I have a guide to if this is depression, or just situational. If in two weeks, I feel this way still...well then, maybe it is time to look at some happy pills. But, for now, I think it is just your basic pity party...that most people would keep to themselves. But, here I am, writing out mine for the world to see.

Unfortunately, a few people have been on the receiving end of this current melt down. Probably, they are not going to read this, but i feel like I need to aplogize for that. I really don't mean to have my emotions bleed out onto everyone and everything. But, sometimes, it just happens. I know too, that maybe it didn't seem like such a big deal to you, but to me, I feel ashamed. I don't want people to be affected by my crap. (namely, John, Lisa, and Sarah).

Ok, maybe, I will just go crawl under a rock for a few days, lick my wounds, and return to be happy and witty and full of insight and love for you all to read. Or maybe I will continue to bleed out my emotions all over this blog. After all, it may just be a cathartic exercise for myself anyway.

Life isn't so good right now. Maybe the meds will kick in, and then at least the pain level will decrease. But, I wish what would increase is the love i know that is out there, but just seems to be stopping at some barrier I have constructed. I mean just the other day, I was so impressed and so in awe of how nice some of my friends where to me. And what has changed? Nothing, but my own perceptions. Why? But right now, i feel so isolated, so unable to be loved. It is driving me crazy, because I know it isn't true.

Ah heck....I am tired of writing...it isn't helping.....I wish I could figure out what would. Have any ideas? I know I should not hit the publish post button, but what the heck.....here it goes....

Sleep, why hath thee forsaken me?

I have started and deleted and re-started and deleted this blog about 5 times. I think this is the time to just simply say....no sleep makes me unable to write about no sleep!

I tried to be witty, that didn't work. I tried to be factual, that was boring. I tried to write something that would at least be helpful, or comforting, or supportive to you the possibly kindred insomniac....but that is not going to happen either....apparently.

Here is the thing, no sleep means few available brain cells. And I think I am wanting to use those for some other things right now. So, even while I wanted to share all my insight, I am thinking what I really want is a good breakfast, and a nap. i have been up all night, how about you?

But someday, what i do want to explore with you, is our feeling the need to get a certain amount of consecutive sleep hours. I know they say 8, but for us who can't figure out how to get even one on most nights....I will not put an amount on that consecutive.

So, here is what I am working on (now, this is easy for me, as I don't work). This maybe one reason why I can't work.....but, I am going to allow myself to be awake when I am, and sleep when i can. So far, this has meant a few minutes here, and hour there. Sometimes I get maybe 2 hours at a time. The bad thing is, I only sleep when I am so exhausted, that I almost HAVE to sleep. So, I will report back, but right now....I am way too tired!

The art of pride maintenance.

I am sad today. Not really sure why....I am thinking it may be the end of "The Hills"...just kidding. I spent most of the morning crying, which I hardly ever do. But, I think ever once in awhile, that isn't such a bad thing, I think it gets rid of some toxins....tear toxins or something. Maybe because tears are so close to the brain crying removes some brain toxic build up.....and Lord knows, I could use a little of that!

So, cut to this afternoon. I just had 3 Americorps angels come to help me clean out part of my house. They spent 2 hours, did an amazing job....and I am more than grateful to them.....but I could use them for another 20 hours. How did my life get this way? I think that is why I was crying.

I have never been an obsessive cleaner, but I have always been fairly neat and clean. I did my housework, and cleaned up after myself. I even enjoyed some parts of cleaning. I actually loved it when something got really dirty, and then I would clean and you could smell how wonderful it smelled, and how nice it looked.......then i got sick. I knew in order to keep working that something in my life had to go. I don't know if it was a total conscious decision, but it seems like house work was what went. I would do what I could, so it wasns't horribly bad, but it was certainly a couple of notches below my normal.

Then when I went on disability, and I wasn't working (it took me a couple of months to get to this after I left the job, which was in 2005) I could use my energy on cleaning a little. I would do a little of something each day. Again, it wasn't up to the par that it was prior to getting sick, but at least if someone came to the door, I would not be embarrased to let them in.

Ok, now we get to August of 2008. I started working again. It was supposed to be only about 17 hours a week, but that quickly went up to thirty. I loved this job, it was fun, it wasn't stressful.....so I was happy to do it. But, for me, the trade off was....I would work, and I would rest. That was about all I could do. I could not do any housework, as I just didn't have the energy. I would clean the toilet, the sinks, do a load of laundry, and wash some dishes.....and that was it.

Ok, now here we are close to a year after getting laid off from that job in October of 2009. I am lucky if I can get myself to the bathroom when I have to go....sorry if that is too graphic for you, but I am not kidding. I don't know what to do. I "look" fine. I "sound" fine. I am NOT fine. I need help. I hate asking for help, but I need more help than I look like, sound like, or will admit than I need. This is scaring me. I don't admit this to too many people, so if you are reading this, consider yourself in some kind of inner circle. Although it isn't like it comes with any perks.

It is so humiliating to be in this place. Basically alone, and sick, and very sad. But, I don't look or act like this is where I am at. First, I have to say.....I do have many friends, and wonderful friends....so when I say alone.....I guess I mean more like the concept that I have no one in my life who has agreed to be there for me in sickness or health. Someone who is here on an everyday basis that sees what needs to get done and helps me do them. (I think I have to add here that I know that everyone who has a partner in life does not mean that they have automatic help. I read posts on some of the support groups I belong to, that talk about their S.O's not paying any attention to them, and in some ways, I think that would be worse than being alone!)

Ah heck, I don't know what I am tying to say. I am tired and in lots of pain, as of course...I had to try to help these marvelous women who came over to help me. I did about 1/10 of what they did, and it has almost killed me. My legs are so swollen, my back in very sore, and I feel like I have just been kicked for a couple of hours by a professional football team (and no, I am not exagerating).

Here is the really hard thing to accept, as I watch my body seemingly decline more and more every day: for the past two times of getting into my tub....I fell in, as I can no longer make my body (knees, and arms I guess) support me while lowering myself in. Then getting out is no picnic either.

so, I just want to cry....I know I did that this morning, and I don't usually do that....but maybe, that is what I am supposed to do....cuz really, writing about it here, has just depressed me even more.

But, I am soooooo grateful for those that have helped. Maybe it is because I am a Leo, and that is all about Pride.....my pride is wounded. Hmmm, what do you use to patch up some pride problems? Guess I should go meditate some on this.....

Save The Best For Last, or funny flower diptic.

Ok,my dear readers, this is it...this is the end of the day of learning how to paint with wax. The instructor suggested that I leave them like this, and not do any layers of the clear wax to make them a little more ethereal. I am not sure I like these, but like I mentioned before, if I go out and buy some materials, I can work some more on them.

So, here are the results from my class. It was fun, very much enjoyed watching the other attendees work on their wax works and I liked many of their finished products. For me, at least in this stage of my healing, I am happy that I stayed with it, even though I wanted to leave right after lunch. I had forgotten to take any pain meds in the morning, and did not bring any with me, so I was in some pretty intense pain. I mostly stood up during this process, and I now know I can't so that. I probably shouldn't have, as I am not sure i did my body any favors, but my soul is pretty happy!

I am hoping to obtain the materials I need to continue to work with encaustics. Because I have worked with batik, I already have a lot of what I need. This makes me very happy!

So, while I would not say I am totally happy with what I produced, I am excited to study this and discover what more I can do with the materials. I am very excited that I have the desire, and the energy to use my creativity.

Again, a huge thanks to my friend who told me tonight that she hoped that going to this workshop would help re-awaken that in me again. It did, but what it didn't do is make me awake now......I am tired, and the pain killers are taking an edge off, so I guess i will see if I can go to sleep and dream of art images to create!

I have a meeting fairy early tomorrow morning for our local community center (who knows, if I keep going with this visual arts energy, maybe I will arrange a showing of my work!). So, as always, thanks for reading and looking at the pictures. I hope that there will be many more to come!

Encausticat or Try Number 2

This is my second attempt. I supposed I like it a little better. Again, I used a cut out, so it is kind of like a collage.

My friend who paid my way into this class loves cats. I decided it would be nice of me to make her a piece to show my gratitude.

This one was really quite straight forward looking, but there are a few techniques of adhearing one layer to the one under it that takes a little practice. You can maybe see this on the "bed of roses" this kitty is laying on. One really cool thing about this, is in three years, once I get really good at this, I can go back into this one and rework it. While this medium is not one for control freaks it is quite forgiving in that you can rework it, and cover or scrape off what you don't like.

Ok, now to the last 2 panels. As you will see, to me, it does not look like I made too much progress.....but what I did have was lots of fun!

First attempt at encaustics....Horse and Clouds

I am sorry, but I think this is going to be a little difficult to see. If I can figure out this blog layout, I will show you the close up on this same page. This was my first attempt. My very favorite part is the upper left corner, where those white spots are. There are about 20 layers of wax on this subtrate. I was not happy at all, but then it kind of came together. It may be hard to tell, but there is a horse in the middle. I spent most of the workshop on this piece. Hopefully the close up will be below, if not, it will be in another blog post. Ok, well, it ended up being the first picture. I am so computer illiterate sometimes! Anyway, everything is layers of wax with the exception of the horse, which is a cut out, and there is a little jewel thingy that is up around where the "sun" would be.

When I started this, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was pretty much just focused on trying the layers and colors and seeing how they reacted to one another. I also used a kind of scratch board technique to reveal some color below the top colors.

Ok next post, will be the next piece I tried, but don't expect anything much better! LOL

I believe I am in love....

Oh sure, that got your attention. Well, for those of you who are romantics, sorry, it probably isn't what you are thinking. I am in love with the art medium of encaustics. I just finished the class, and it was so fun. Unfortunately I am paying for it now (partly because I forgot to take a pain killer this morning), and the last hour or so was pretty challenging because of the pain and fatigue.....but I loved it.

When I can move again, I will post the pics of what I made today. I ended up doing 4 pieces. They are obviously beginners works, but that is what I was!

I am literally sitting here falling asleep; so I will post more, with pics, later....but thank you my wonderful friend for giving me this gift. I hope I will be able to set up a studio and continue to do this, as I think I am drawn to hot wax or something. First batik, and now this (well, and the yarn painting too!). It would be nice if your gift could become a way for me to go into that creative zone and forget about my body, and it's aches and pains.

So, have to go sleep, I will be awake in a few hours probably, and I will post the pics then....but one more time, just in case someone didn't understand......thank you, thank you, thank you, for this lovely and generous gift.

Off the top of my not so chipper head...

I just woke up. I wish I didn't. (I don't mean I wish I would have never woken up, I am not that bad off!!!) I finally got some very good consecutive hours of sleep, but now I can't move. I am so very tired of this. I am waiting for mommies little helpers to kick in. I am really hoping they do fast, as I would love to get up and do the normal morning things....like brush my teeth. Because you see, even that is not possible. Well, if someone was in my bedroom with a gun to my head saying "you better go brush your teeth". I supposed I could muster the fortitude to go do it then, but right now......nope, not a happening thing!

The pain is what stops me, and the stiffness. I actually woke up around 11:30am (ok save your judgement, I didn't get to sleep until almost 3am), and then it took me about 15 minutes of tiny little movement to try to get my back to not spasm. When I finally accomplished that, I had to work on massaging my upper left arm, which has suddenly become a place on my body that needs attention, cuz if I didn't, it would just feel like there were rocks in there, and I can't move it. Finally at about 12 o'clock, I was able to reach over and take the pain meds. (the arm that needed work is on the side of the bed that needed to reach to get the pain meds). Also, there was no way, that arm could have held onto and raised the bottle of water I have with me at all times, to even take the meds.....so after the massage, I can do these things........waiting for the meds to kick in.....

so, while waiting, I need to focus on my legs. They feel as if not only had they completed a marathon run, then some person came up and bashed them to bits with some heavy object. Not to mention that they are so swollen, that just moving them is like trying to make a water balloon fold and bend. So, I lay here and do similar motions that I did with my back....tiny little movements, ones that don't make me scream. Then they can get larger, until I am almost to the place where I think I could swing them over the bed and sit up. Of course , the back is still thinking this is a very bad idea, and tells me so.....but I don't listen!

I sit on the side of the bed and look down at my feet. (ok, I gave this some consideration, but i decided, I am including a picture of these things that are called feet. Then you can get some idea of what it is I am talking about, I guess as you will see, it is more my ankles that look very swollen, but don't let that fool you, the feet are in pretty bad shape too) They no longer look like the feet I used to look at and think, "my you are ugly feet" (face it, how many of us really have pretty feet?), but now they are feet that look like they belong to some other creature. They have lumps and bumps and swellings (but I still have those cute almost non existent toes they are so tiny, but now they seem to be wanting to lay on top of one another, weird). Anyway, I am sitting here looking at my feet because I have to give them a pep talk. They know what is coming, they know that when i step down on them they have to carry all this weight (they wish I would lose some of this weight...I agree with them, but you know, I blame part of that on them, they are the ones who walks with me to the refrigerator, so it is their fault too!!), but I digress yet again.....ok, I am just talking to those feet, begging them to allow me to stand up, and to do their thing. I actually have to tell me knees the same thing.....so here I go, I am going to try....

Good thing there is a wall very close that holds me up when the freaking feet and legs decided not to. Yep, I am there, holding onto the door nob that kept me from falling down. Apparently the feet and legs (oh maybe that is what is wrong, I just talked to the knees, I didn't say anything to the whole leg, especially my thighs, they are the ones who have been very naughty lately. They are the culprit for much of this pain...how could I forget......well, they didn't let me, as here I am now leaning on the wall, hanging onto the door nob, and wishing I could fly or at least just hover. Wouldn't that be nice....but, I really don't want to have to clean up after myself (if you get my drift), so I decided that I have to say "feet, don't fail me now"....and I include the rest of my body along with that. And I walk like a combination of Lurch, on the "Adam's Family", and a drunken person wobbling out of a bar after way too many, " just one more" cocktails. This would be kind of funny to watch, if it wasn't me, and it didn't hurt so damn much. I get to the place where I get to sit. (wink wink) Or in my house "the throne of undivided attention", as this is where all my animals come to get petted. Long standing habit, and quite funny, I think. It doesn't matter if I have just been sitting with one of them on my lap, I head there, and so do they, circling my feet (the small ones) and my beloved Keefa, my dingo.....she always just sits and smiles, or sometimes I even think it is more like laughing at me. (you know, you could do that same thing right outside, really, you don't have to sit on that cold hard thing, you could just go pop a squat right out there behind that door, silly human)... But, the throne of undivided attention has become a "thing" in my house.

Ok, now I have to either try to do things like brush teeth, comb hair, wash face.......but as I am standing up again, i see that is not a happening thing. So, I hang onto everything I can, and I lurch back to the home away from home within the home...the bed. Ok, here is where it may get sad....for those of you who are actually reading this (first I need to wonder why?, and second I say "oh wow, thanks for actually reading this"....but if you don't want to hear a sad little pitty party rant....skip over the next color...cuz here it comes....

I get back in bed....and I decide while I am waiting for that which makes me half human to course through my veins and allows me to do things like brush my teeth, and wash my face.etc........I would just get on the net, look to see what has happened during the night....what are my friends up to: I guess I shouldn't have done that. You see, I had the most excellent days for the last two days, and that is not to say today could not turn out to be good too.....but, I started looking at friend's who have posted pictures of all sorts of fun things. Out doing things with their families, photo's from vacations, pictures of our engagement, look at the beautiful wild life around my house,. Then I start reading.....hey going to bread and puppet, come on up and meet us up there, or there is a great party happening at this restaurant, would love to see you there, and we are heading out to the lake, if you are not doing anything, you should come on out. And, what do i do....I cry. I sit here and I sob. People, i would love to join you at any one of those places, I wish I was out taking pictures of wonderful things......but people, I am sitting here hoping that when enough of the stupid painkillers kick in, I will be able to go brush my teeth. It just hit me hard today. I am not even taking pain killers which have this huge stigma, and whole issue of people wondering why I take them, or if I need them......and here I am taking them, so I can walk to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I am not liking this picture. Not one little bit. I am so overly aware that there is a world of wonderful things to do and see, even right down the street from my house is our farmer's market....and here I am. Now, this does not come with just an oh poor me rant.....this also comes with a whole side order of fear.

I wrote the other day, about the most generous gift I have ever received, and that is the art class I will be taking tomorrow. I am going to go, even if this is the way I will be feeling......in fact the generous gift came with the admonishment....."you are not going to end up being a no show are you" so, I will go. But, if I am feeling like this, if the pain level is off the charts (which many days the pain meds just don't do a thing for)....then, yes I will be there, but no I won't be there. I will be disassociating to get through it. Yes, I am not liking my life right now, and I am thinking....it isn't fair. This girl just wants to have fun, This girl just wants to brush her freaking teeth! This girl just wants to have a family that goes on outings to fun places, and laughs and smiles. This girl just wants to accept invitation (which are getting few and far between, as I can rarely go to things anymore) to parties and dinners and lunches out, this girl wants to travel and take photos and send them back to show people where I have been and the fun and exotic things I have done. This girl just wants a body that is not the cause of daily anguish. This girl is mostly thankful for a very strong mind that gets her through this failing body. This girl is tired, but this girl will not give up! (this woman also knows that it is not ideal to call a woman a girl, but it is a play on the theme of Cindi Lauper's "Girls just wanna have fun")

Ok, rant over. Pain Killers are starting to make me think that teeth brushing may be coming right up on my day's activity planner. And I am excited to get back to the art work I am doing. Yesterday I went over to the coop and got some edible pea pods, and some Annie Goddess dressing, and I am going to have a yummy lunch of those, and some left over chili from my favorite unnamed little cuban food trailer that I call a roach coach (which basically that is what they are called in larger cities, but a friend of mine thought I was putting down his place of establishment, so a disclaimer.....I am in no way saying that his food or his trailer is bad, or dirty, in fact I think anyone who lived around this area should go check this guy's cuban food out, it is sooooo good), and I may even talk on the phone to a friend who has recently come into my life and makes me laugh...so all is not lost. But, I do yearn for a more active life. I used to have it, and I miss it. Don't ever take your ability to move easily around on this earth for granted. Be grateful for a body that isn't constantly shouting at you, or reminding you that your new life is one of watching, of waiting, of wishing, of hoping. Be grateful if you got up this morning and brushed your teeth, and didn't even give it a thought!

PS: It is now 2:30pm, and I am about to get out of bed, and finally go brush those teeth. It has taken the pain killers this long to finally kick in, and allow me to move with some ease. see, this is my life...again, please don't think I am telling you this because I want any sympathy (I know I say that a lot, and it isn't that I don' think a little sympathy is a good thing, but it isn't my goal in writing any of these pages, and if it ever is, I will tell you!), but it is for an understanding of what it is like to have a body that makes just the activities of daily living freaking hard. A group of us are on a committee that meets early in the morning. There have been times that I get up and get ready, and then no one shows up, as they have been canceled and someone forgot to call me. Now, I hope by reading this, I can help some of you understand why, for me and others like me, that the simple act (for you) of getting up and getting ready to leave your house.....is not so easy for us. And, because we did that....the rest of the day just may be shot. If you would like a better understanding of this, google the spoon theory. (or you can find it on www.butyoudontlooksick.com ) This gives a very good understanding of those of us who live with very little energy in our "bank" has to go through every day. so, again reader, if there are indeed any of you out there, thanks for taking the time to read this, and hopefully learn what it is like to live with chronic pain.....or, that you have a kindred who understands your daily struggles. Strength of mind and will be with us!!!! Peace and compassion with everyone, this world needs a whole lot more of that.