I had just returned from San Diego, where I got the official diagnosis of Lipa/lymphadema and Dercum's Disease type II, when I got the word that my mother was not doing well at all. She lived in a retirement community, and while she had Hospice, she was in too much pain to be able to stay at home. So, before I could get there, she was put into a nursing home. The hospice staff I had been talking to on the phone said she would stay in this nursing home (my mother always said she never wanted to be in a nursing home) until a bed at the hospice house opened up. The last conversation I had with my mother, prior to seeing her, she said she could hardly wait to see me. She said we would hug and hug and hug.
I tried to fly out, but the weather had different plans, so I ended up staying in a motel in Burlington waiting for a flight to become available. It was the Doubletree Inn, so I was in a very nice place but I can hardly remember those couple of nights now. When I finally got to Montana, a couple of days later, my mother was already in the nursing home. They brought me to her. I didn't even recognize her. She was so little. I knew she had lost weight, but this little person, wasn't the mother I remembered. She looked so tiny (4ft 9inches, and 90 lbs), sitting at the dining table, dressed in her lime green shirt (the one she wore to my father's funeral). I bent down to her and said "Hi".
She said, "Can you tell me when my daughter is coming?" yikes, that just about made my stomach jump into my mouth....
"Mother, it is me"...I said
"Oh, can you call Bill...no, oh what is his name..."
"Bob?" I asked...
"Yes, tell him I am here"
No hugs, just her fear that her "boyfriend" a man she had dated in high school, that had reconnected with her would not know about her condition. I told her I would tell him, and then I hugged her gently. She gasped...."Does that hurt?" she nodded.
I don't remember much of the next days. That was Feb 27th, and until she died on March 10th, (the day I had originally figured I would return home, but instead that was the day she did), I stayed by her side at the nursing home. The staff there were great. The Hospice staff...not so much...but I won't go into that here. I spent those last days watching her sleep, mostly. At times she would talk, but not to me. At times she would see things that I could not, although she was certain I could. I guess it gets a little hazy who is on what side of that veil. I fed her, and rubbed lotion on her. The last kind of lucid moment she had with me, she ran her hands down the locks of my hair that fell from my head down onto the bed. "You never did really like me in long hair, did you?" She smiled and shook her head "no". The last words she uttered to me, as I was feeding her one day were, "I love you"......I said this to her about 300 times a day. It was hard being there. Physically, as I was sleeping (kind of) in a recliner, emotionally as it was a complicated relationship my mother and I had built over the years, spiritually as I had never been with a person who was dying. So, on all levels I was being taxed....then one day, after a short nap I awoke to the CNA's whispering over by her bed. They turned and looked at me, and I knew it was the end. Amazingly to everyone, her breathing had stopped....but her heart just kept ticking. For TWO HOURS!!! But then, in that last beat of her heart.....I became an orphan. Weird.
A friend..well maybe not, sent me an email before I left for Montana saying that this trip was not about me, but about my mother. I am not sure how it could not be about me. I have feelings. Yes, it was my mother leaving this Earth, but it was me having to do everything surrounding this. It is amazing how much you have to do when someone dies. I had so many decisions to make, things to sort through, tears to cry. God it was hard. I really did not think I was going to make it through the whole experience, but I did. Thanks to some good friends, and a few cousins. You see, I am an only child....so no siblings, no spouse, no offspring....it was just me.
Well, I won't go into the whole story, but I am now back. I will write some about my experience there, and about how different I now feel. I am still pretty sick. That will be another story, don't ever run out of narcotics in another State!!! But, I am home now. I was so glad to see my dogs, but am I glad to be back? I am not sure. It was nice being back in Montana. It is where my roots are. I think my heart is in Vermont, but my roots are in MT.....so, it was hard to leave there.
I have lots to say. But for now....I just want to say I am back, and look for some stories and thoughts and meanderings to come......Namaste...
