Good Morning to everyone. I haven't written for awhile, partly because I have not been feeling good, but also because I have been trying to work around that not feeling well. So, I don't really know what is going to come out today, I decided to just do a little stream of consciousness writing....it may be interesting???
So, one of the topics I have been wanting to write about it creativity. I am so thankful and grateful that I got this gift times ten. I believe creativity is what has pulled me though this illness. I seem to be creative in almost everything I do. The other day, I was feeling pretty good, and on the days I am feeling good, I like to use one of my creative talents, cooking. So, the pictures above are a plate of my fried green tomatoes, with prawn and raw cow milk dill cheese. I love to have fried green tomatoes in the summer. My version is a little more healthy than the traditional, and they are if I don't say so myself, to die for! I don't deep fat fry these, I saute them in olive oil. I used cracker crumbs, made from rosemary crackers. They were delicious. I am trying to eat a diet that concentrates on reducing inflammation. It is basically the Mediterranean diet. So, part of my creativity is used in cooking meals that are good, nutritious, and will hopefully help the pain decrease. One of my new favorite things to do, is to think of a dish such as bagel and lox, and figure out how to use the basic ingredients to come up with something completely different. For this, I used brown rice and quinoa as the "bagel", and into this I mixed smoked salmon, dill, red onion, capers, and a few sun gold cherry tomatoes cut in half. Then I make a sauce (cream cheese), with olive oil, lime zest, lime juice, and a little creme fraiche. I also add just a tiny bit of agave nectar. Good for me, and good to eat too!!!
So, cooking is how I use my creativity, especially on the days I feel pretty good. I also included a photo of the Plainfield Co-op where I do my shopping. I feel very lucky, as this photo is taken from my front door. The Co-op is the blue building. My other goal I may have mentioned in other blogs, is to do a little exercise every day. I used to have a goal of hiking the Appalachian Trail, then I down graded that to the Long Trail, then I thought well maybe Spruce Mountain (a local mountain peek, and nice hike), and now, I try and I am not always successful to walk to the co-op everyday. While this is sad for me, to watch this progression of the illness, I am very grateful that I am still walking to the co-op, but even more wonderful, is that I have this beautiful place, filled with healthy, organic, local food right across the street from me. And what is even better than that, are the workers who I get to see every time I go there. And, the community members that shop there are also pretty great. It is my touch with human contact each day, and I think that is important. So, I feel very lucky to have this little business across the street. I also feel extremely lucky that I can still walk over there, without a walker!!!
The reason I haven't been writing is a good one. I have been finding creativity and partaking of it's healing potions. I have also been creating art, and I even got out the mandolin and played with that a little again. I have a goal, and that is even if this illness is trying to take me down, cause me pain in every little place in my body...well, I am going to fight back with creativity. It is my weapon of choice. I gladly take up a little creativity and mix it with a little creative energy and come out with the wonderful elixer of pain distraction. It doesn't always work, another reason I have not written is I have been laid low with pain. But, I don't want to talk about that. I am tired of that subject, and tired of that feeling.
I have also been visiting my lovely owlbox. Unfortunately 2 of the owlets have died. I wanted to do a tribute to them in this blog, but I couldn't get the picture I wanted to use to load. I did include it on my FB page. But, another pain distraction I have been using is taking screen shots of the owlets. This is so much fun, as they are like little prehistoric looking, feather covered softballs with tiny little wings....and such humor. I get hours of pleasure doing this! I hope to share some of these here with you, and especially on FB.
So, there you have it, again...not a great piece of writing (I will once again just to write), but if you are someone who is in pain, who feels like life is over because everything you dreamed of doing is no longer within reach, well, I am hoping you too can use some creativity to make this illness and/or chronic pain a little more bearable. I hope you too can cook up something that helps you feel better (yes bad pun), and that you can find something to do that makes you feel like you are still learning, and giving back to this universe we live in! Namaste
I just had a most unpleasant experience, although it didn't directly involve me. As most of you know, I am a faithful follower of a family of barn owls in San Marcos, CA. This is a web cam, and on the side of the cam window is a chat. I love this place, as I watch the owls which are at times very amusing, always entertaining, and educational. I have met some wonderful people in the chat, some I know will be lifelong friends. These people come from all over the world, there are millions watching, and quite a few that chat. Usually, the chat is fun, funny, informational, and for me very supportive. There are a few rules we are asked to follow in chat, one being no caps, as that is considered yelling.
Well, here in lies the rub. I know, from being on other sites where people with disabilities frequent, that using caps is acceptable for the visually impaired. Tonight, a person (we don't know if people are male or female if their screen names do not imply, so I am just going to say she) came on, saying she was new, was visually impaired and wanted to know if she could use caps. Let me also explain here....there are people we call mods who are the people who make sure that people are following the rules. They regulate and sometimes "police" the chat room to make sure that it remains "g" rated, and friendly etc. Then there are the MODS, who are the chatters, named MOD for Molly Obsessive Disorder. Ok.....
So this person asks if using caps are ok, and a few of the MODS or chatters answered with: This person is lying, and is an attention seeking troll, as if they could not see, why would they be in a chat room. or if you can't see, why do you need to cap only yours, that does not make sense, you should know what you are typing. or and this one really got to me....."we are not a regular chat, we are family, and if is a choice to be here" OMG!!!!!
First, just basically....these MODS who responded in that way have no say over the rules in the chat room anyway....it is between the mods and the person who posted the simple question.....that being said:
I am sooooooo upset. This is just another example of how people with disabilites are treated every day. I am upset with myself too, as I just basically said that those comments made me sad, and upset, and should not have been made.....but then I left. I just felt like if i stayed in there, I would end up getting kicked out. I know I would have started a chat war, and I don't want to do that. I did go to Molly's site on FB and write about it there. And I am writing here. Why are people so insensitive? Why can they not see that what they are basically saying is: we don't accept you, because you are different. Where is the love people? where is the love?
I know, I am more sensitive to this because of what I face everyday. I actually had someone tell me that I didn't look like I needed my disabled parking plaquard. I got out of my car, the person looked at the plaquard and then me, and said..."Are you using someone elses car? I answered no. Then he said..."well, then you must know someone with a disability". Yes, I tried to explain it to him, but he just shook his head and walked away. I already wrote about the pharmacist.
I go onto the owl web site, because it is a great distraction from my pain. I love watching the owls and chatting to people all over the world. It takes my mind off of my life, my pain, and helps me laugh and feel good. Should not people who have visual problems be afforded the same benefits? Just because someone, somewhere, decided that all caps in a chat room means yelling.
Once again, I am not writing something that is a wonderful piece of literature, it is just a rant. But, I hope that you read this, then go out and take this rant into the world. Do something that helps people become aware of the world from someone with a disabilites view. The world is hard enough to get through. Compassion. We need so much more of this. Is it possible to teach it?
I wonder if those chatters realized what they were saying, or if they are sitting there smuggly thinking that they smashed another troll. HOw can anyone be so judgemental? My heart is hurting....are there any pain killers for that?
Ok, another blog that is basically a rant, as I have to write about this or I will just wallow in it, so may as well get it out.....I can't sleep. I have had sleep problems for many years, but this is a little bit different. Yes, no sleep can make for some interesting thoughts and behaviors. Sometimes it is even funny....like when you fall asleep while writing to someone in chat.....but it isn't all funny.
I have these lipomas all over my body. The ones that hurt the worst are on my upper thighs/hip region, my rib cage, and my abdomen. These things cause excrutiating pain. They burn, sting, feel like a deep bruise, and basically don't let up. They are worse when they are first forming. Then, they seem to come and go, or more realistically, they swell and hurt and then go down and don't hurt as badly. But, they are a literal pain!
The worst, and what is causing me to come here and cry, is trying to sleep. I can not find a comfortable position to save my life! I have always been a side sleeper, almost all my life....I can no longer do this. When I am so totally exhausted that I do fall asleep, I tend to roll onto my side and then YOWZA....I am wide awake because it feels like I have been stabbed. The lipomas in my upper/outter thighs (hip area), are very painful to the touch.
I also have these little pockets of fat filled pain on and around my lower spine. (where arthritis is also present). So, laying on my back is also one exercise in futility. I can sometimes find a partial sitting up position to be somewhat comfortable. This is the way I can usually fall asleep, and why I tend to fall asleep while I am on the computer, or watching TV. But, and maybe I should say butt.....there is also tailbone pain. When this strikes, it absolutely takes my breath away. It feels like vice grips are squeezing my tail bone. I don't know if this is caused by lipomas or if it is something else, but this pain would have me running to the ER if it lasts much more than an hour....luckily, it hasn't, or has responded to pain killers.
Ok, so I can't sleep on my side, or back...well......the lipomas around my rib cage, and lower (mostly) and upper abdomen area are also screaming their little fatty tumor heads off. The other day I was visiting yet another specialist, this one the gastroenterologist....and he was doing his exam and said "Oh, it feels like you have a hernia, has any one told you that?" I told him I thought it was a lipoma, as they are everywhere if he continues to feel around....he did, while I bit my tongue and winced. He just looked as me with a strange kind of puzzled look on his face. I told him what I think these are, and he said "Never heard of that". Well, whatever, but these are what keeps me from sleeping on my stomach.
The other day, I went to a PT. I thought maybe a combination of pool therapy, and a walker may get me able to walk more, get a little more exercise. So, in order to do that, I was subjected to more poking and prodding. He feels all these lumps, and says "Hmmm, what are these?" I tell him and he says...."Never heard of that". I tell him that I know that strengthening muscles are usually the answer to help with pain, and that may be the case here....but what really hurts are the lipomas in my thigh area that seem to be pulled downward by gravity when I am upright and walking. He agreed that the pool is the best place, and wants me to hold off on the walker. I am ok with holding off on the walker, and I LOVE pool therapy.....but, will it make the pain of the lipomas go away? Not sure, and of course, since he had "never heard of that"...how can he answer that.
To make a long story short, since I have been in the hospital, I now have 3 rare illnesses. One may have cleared up following knee surgery a few years ago.....that would be great, as apparently PVNS is difficult to get rid of. My diagnosis after being in the hospital are some kind of myositis, and rhabdomyolysis. I don't know that much about the latter, but the former is....you guessed it...rare! But, most of these specialists have heard about this diagnosis.....
Ok, now here comes the diagnosis that no one knows about...Dercum's Disease. It is the fatty tumors, the lipomas, and possibly inflammation in the fat cells. I wish it would be easy to lose weight and make it go away, but it doesn't work that way.....so, since no one really knows what it is, no one knows how to treat it.....no one is coming up with any way to help me with it....
There is one doctor in the US who researches and understands this disease. She is in San Diego. I am trying to figure out how to get to San Diego to see her. It isn't easy with no money. But, where there is a will, there is a way.
But until then, I guess I will continue to toss and turn trying to find a comfortable way to exist in this world....yes, I didn't say sleep, as it is not just trying to sleep, it is trying to live.....I toss and turn even when standing up! I will continue to have to toss away and turn down invitations to parties, get togethers, movies, etc.......I will continue to have a social life that is mostly on the computer and phone. (thank God for those friends who have stuck by me, and who call and keep in touch with me. I am an extrovert, I like to be around most people, this forced isolation makes it difficult to remain positive and content in my world. The adventure of never knowing how I am going to feel each day, makes planning anything in advance almost impossible).
Until then I will continue to try to forget about those comments, those experiences like the one at the pharmacy...because the only thing I have found that makes my life a little more tolerable is narcotic pain meds. There are two kind of responses when people find out I am on narcotics....either they hold out their hand, or they become judgmental. That makes me want to cry. (Again, I thank God for those friends who understand, and do not challenge me, or suggest a better way to deal with pain, as in the many years I have been dealing with this, there really isn't much I have not already tried. The odd thing about this illness I have, different approaches work, for awhile, then seem to quit. I have tried naturopathic, chiropractic, homeopathic, energy healing, many many different kinds of medications, meditation, physical therapy, prayer, art therapy, talk therapy including CBT, EMDR, narrative, and other approaches, and massage.....whew....and I am not sure that exhausted that list).
So, I will continue to try to educate, to explain, to ignore, those who can't possibly understand what it is I am going through, because they have "never heard of that".
I finally finished another art piece
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This one took me forever to do, and I am sorry, but trying to get a good photograph of this one, with my little digital camera, well......
This is another yarn painting, except for the most part it is done with 2 strand embroidery floss!!! So, it took me quite a while to finish. It is about 6" X 2 ". I coated some mat board with bee's wax, and pressed the floss into the wax. The bottom portion where the tree routes are growing are small delicata beads.
Now, I am hoping I will find the time, energy, and renewed enthusiasm to explore the oil paints.
I probably should write something pithy or interesting, or at least a little entertaining here today, but I am just too tired. I have been pretty active, at least for me in these past couple of days, so today, I am just allowing myself to do whatever it is I feel like doing.
I just made a very good grain salad. This has taken me 3 days to make, not that it is that difficult but mostly because I am a space cadet. (Ok, I can call it fibro fog, but let's just go with space cadete). First, I was going to make brown rice and quinoa for the grains, but I ended up throwing steel cut oats in the rice maker, rather than the quinoa. So, I got creative and decided to make a breakfast cold grain salad. So, I went over to my lovely coop, and bought some local blueberries, and mixed the grains, with the blueberries, and a little agave syrup. Yummo!!! So, that mistake has provided many breakfasts to come....
Yesterday, I made the rice and quinoa, but i just didn't have the energy to complete the rest of the salad. What I had the energy to do, was go to the physical therapist appointment (no walker for me, we are going to try the pool first, which actually I am very happy about)....He said he understands my reasoning that with a walker I would be able to get out more, and then have more exercise, but as I told him, I much more enjoyed his reasoning that maybe the pool would strengthen me more so I can walk further with less pain. I am down with that!!! Then I had to go pick up my "camp site" from the previous night of meteor watching in a friend's backyard. (It was so dewy out, that everything got really damp. So, I snuggled down into the sleeping bag to stay dry and warm, basically slept most of the good watching time!!!), But, between the PT appointment, and the picking up of the "camp"....I was exhausted, so the salad had to wait....
Then today, I woke up feeling pretty good (well, when I say woke up, ummmm, I fell asleep for about 2 hours, after talking on the phone for about 2 hours in the middle of the night, and then hanging out with my little owl friends for another couple of hours.....but, I finally decided to finish my yarn painting, and my "deconstructed bagle and lox salad" Because I am trying to follow a diet that is good for reducing inflammation (and hopefully pain), I have had some fun being creative in the kitchen. (I always have been a good cook, but now I am cooking with a purpose)....so for those of you with DD...I think the following dish is close to the diet prescribed by Dr Herbst.
I mix brown rice and quinoa, add tomatoes (just a few grape tomatoes because of the night shade thing), red onion, dill, capers, and flaked smoked salmon. I add a sauce of lime zest, olive oil, agave syrup, and lime juice. I also put a little bit of creme freshe in there. Again yumo!!!
So, today I have just about used up all my spoons (energy) with these activites....so I am about to return to take a nap.
In fact, while attempting to proof this, I have fallen asleep and woke up 3 times, with the laptop open and waiting for me to wake up and hit send.....sorry, I know this is poor writing, and possibly disjointed....i shouldn't have, but I did just erase the gibberish that I apparently typed while sleeping.....sppppoooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkyyyyyyyyy.
I was going to write a whole blog about creativity, how it happens in all areas of my life, even cooking....but I will save that for a day when I am awake and have fully functioning brain cells (well, fully functioning in a way that will make me sound like I know what I am writing about)...LOL. So, back to dream world with me. Enjoy if you will, the art and the salad.....more later!
Excuse me dear readers but here is where I am going to merely vent and rant and rage against judgmental people!!!!
As many of you know, I have been having problems with lots of pain, and it has been increasing lately. The last prescription my doc wrote, he wrote for less than I had been taking of the pain meds. So, I called and they said to take what I had been taking. So I did. Of course that meant that I ran out earlier, but my doc just wrote me another script to cover that.
This has happened before, and I have taken this script to the pharmacy I have been using for 10 years, and the kind pharmacist who owns the business always fills them. However, he has his fill-in pharmacist who is clearly prejudiced against those of us on narcotics. I have had trouble with him before, but today took the cake. I will also say, because I worked in a place where people with pain came, I have heard similar stories about this pharmacist....
So, today, my legs are hurting so badly, that I am using the dreaded cane, and even that is not helping much. So, when I went to pick up the prescription from my doc's office today, I asked for them to write an order for a walker, so when I go for my P.T. eval soon, they could fit me for a walker. This is way beyond my capacity for thinking that I am ok, or what may be called denial. I hate to think that this has progressed to the point that I need that much assistance walking, but it has. It sucks, and I don't like it at all. So, I was leaving my doc's office, with script in hand, already feeling yucky because I finally admitted to myself it has come to this point......but, relieved that I was going to get the meds that will help the pain some...and....
This pharmacist comes out from behind the counter, sits down next to me and says "when did your doctor say you could have more, because he wrote this for 3 a day", to which I said "what do you mean?" He just kept looking at me, with no further explanation. I said, "yesterday I guess." Since that is when the script was written. He said, "I can't fill this, you should have plenty left if you just were told yesterday that you could take 3 a day". I said, "no, he told me I could take them weeks ago, but he wrote the script yesterday as that is when I was going to run out." The meanie pharmacist then says..."oh sure, now you are changing your story, there is no way I am going to fill this." I got kind of upset and said that the regular pharmacist fills them with no problem, and he says "I doubt that". I said "call him". He once again said that he was not going to fill this, and it wasn't his problem. I got mad, but I thought was fairly well controlled, and said, "You know, I hate to say it, but you have a reputation for doing this, and when people are in chronic pain, it is hard to hear this and have to argue with you". He got mad and started telling me that he didn't have to listen to my opinions about anything and that I was out of line. It just got worse from there. I didn't know what to do, I asked him to call the doctor's office, but of course he would not do that. He said to go across the street to the other pharmacy. All I could think about at that point, is how much it was going to hurt to have to get back in my car, and walk to the very back of another pharmacy. I left, but realized that there was maybe a way he could see that I was telling the truth.
As I walked back in the store, he came walking out and met me with his arms crossed against his chest, and with a very stern look on his face. I said "if you look back in your records you will see that the prescription before this said take 3/day." he disagreed and said, "no, it says take 2/day"...I said go back one more, and you will see it says 3/day.
He told me that I had now changed my story yet again, and that now I was raising my voice. I told him that I would be calling the owner of the business and reporting him and letting him know that he had unfortunately lost a good customer because of this guy's attitude. He came back at me with he had already reported me as a drug seeker, and it was clear to him that was what I was, as if I was truly in pain, I would not be so upset. He kind of guided me toward the door!
I went across the street to the other pharmacy, where I did have to walk to the very back of the store, which by then I was almost in tears from the pain. The pharmacist asked me if he had checked the insurance and if that was who turned me down. I said I didn't think he had, as he really didn't have time to check. I also told her, I had issues like this with him before, and had come to this pharm and they filled them with no problem. As I expected, they filled it with no problem.
Ok, long story.....but, I just want to point out here...and I know that many of you who read this blog have pain issues, so it is like preaching to the choir, but it is bad enough to have to endure this kind of pain everyday. I don't think we should have to also put up with professional's attitudes and personal prejudice. Because of his attitude, I am in more pain than I was, so now the pain killers that I got will not work as well. Not to mention that emotionally, I am very upset, so that does not help my condition at all. why oh why do we have to be treated this way? (I think that is a lyric).
I am writing a letter to the business owner, and CCing it to my doctor. I will explain why he has lost my business, and that I think anyone who has chronic pain should not go to this pharmacy. It is sad, because the man who owns this business is sweet and kind and the techs that work there are also very kind. It is just this one judgmental man, who claims if he would fill that script they would take his license away. I told him that didn't make sense, as my doctor wrote it....to which he says....oh doctors write all sorts of things they shouldn't. (yes, I will put that in my letter). Huh? they have license too! And, I know for a fact, that if it was written in a way that was not allowable, my insurance company would have refused it. And way beyond any of that, and what is what this all comes down to....is my integrity! I know I have not abused this med. I know that it was taken as prescribed...or at least as my doc knew I was taking it.
One thing about me that I know, is I hate to be falsely accused of anything. It makes my blood boil when that happens. I am sure my voice did raise a little, but it was not because i was a drug seeking addict who was lying and changing my stories to try to get drugs I was not supposed to have......it was because I am a person in non-relenting, retractable pain, who could see that I was going to have to take even more painful steps to get a medicine that I need, and was rightfully prescribed. In one fell swoop, this jerk (sorry I was going to try to be above board in the blogging of this event) not only called me a liar, but also my doctor. I bet, this guy has a God complex. Well, in my world God is loving and kind. This guy is a prejudicial, biggoted, judgmental jerk! So there!
If you haven't seen it already, go to youtube and watch the video of a young man who's sister was almost raped, until he came into the bedroom and chased the intruder out. This video has gone viral, and not only that, people have used it to do songs and comedy routines. The man in this video is from what looks to be a housing development in Hunstville, AL. He is black, and is not shall we say, well spoken. What he is, in my mind is someone who is emotionally charged after doing a good deed, some may call a hero. But what I think gets lost in all this, is the reason he was on the news in the first place, a woman was almost raped. That is not funny.
I find it even more interesting that the number of opportunities I have had to watch this video on FB comes from men's pages. On each one, I have taken the opportunity to write my take on this video. One of the men who posted it, put at the top of his, "you have to see this, it is funny". I watched (just the news bite, not the resulting songs etc) and became ENRAGED. Why would anyone think that rape was funny? Most of the responses on these postings agree, and come from all women. One woman said she thought that it was just about creativity and there is too much seriousness in this world, and we need to lighted up, and realize it was just humor. I still fail to find the humor in this situation.
Another person who posted the video, also posted the response from NPR which reports that this young man who was in the video has turned this into a power moment for himself. The authors of this article agree, that if you took this same situation, put it on SNL and used actors, would it be funny? They think not, they think there would be public outcry to as they put it "excoriate" it from tv land. I agree. They also interviewed some people who pointed out that while this young man was maybe not the best public speaker, and some feel was exploited by the news station, his impassioned statement was done without swear words, and other stereotypical "urban" discourse. The comments posted to this article were great. Most agreed that maybe the news station deciding to broadcast this, or the resulting viral web videos, and parodies, brought out something unintended, it allowed this young man, and his sister to give voice to a social condition, that many of us turn our head to. No matter what position you take on this, whether it be from a social/racial/economical viewpoint, it brought it into the light of day.
My response on both of the FB pages, who were posted by men, was to thank them. Yes, I thought the video was horrible in that it was supposed to be funny, but at least it gave us an opportunity to do some old fashion consciousness raising. Back when I was the director of a rape crisis center, we always said that men where the only ones who could truly help to stop rape. We invited them to start their own programs to help men help other men in an attempt to stop this horrible power abusive act. In the video, the young man says and I am paraphrasing "snatch up your sisters, daughters, wives, mother, and husbands, cuz everyone is getting raped out in here"....it is true, it affects everyone. Not only can men be raped, but if they ever love a woman who was raped, they are affected.
I still can not see how the offshoots of this video can be seen as creative. I will admit, I haven't watched them. I read that there is one that is done well, and with taste and shows the heartfelt plea of the young man, to find the "bed intruder", but to think any of it can be funny, still breaks my heart. I have said here many times, I love to laugh. I find humor in almost anything...but not this. Human suffering can be looked at through a humor lens, comedians do it all the time. Sometimes, not in very good taste, sometimes in a thought provoking way...but this....no, just not funny. I think, or at least I hope, the majority agrees with me on this one.
So, it is over. My birthday. Another one under my belt. It turned out to be quite nice. A friend called and we went to a local restaurant for brunch, and then walked over to the farmer's market. I spent much of the rest of the day on the phone with friends and family, and reading all the wonderful birthday wishes on FB, and a couple other sites I participate in on the world wide web! And finally, a big surprise....I was chillin' on the couch about to fall asleep, when someone knocked on the door. It was a couple of my neighbors, one who made home made chicken veggie soup, and the other who made cupcakes for me!!! What a nice surprise that was!!! So, a day that I thought was going to be spent alone, turned out to be filled with love, well wishes, and nourishment of body and soul. I feel lucky!
So, I am another year older, and as they say....wiser. (One can only hope)! But, like I wrote in the title, wider. Partly I am talking about the cupcakes, and the brunch and my own little treat to myself yesterday, a pint of Ben & Jerry's......yes, that will certainly make me "wider", but I also mean it in another way.
I am hoping that as I get older, I continue to grow. I hope that I can widen my views on what is happening around me. I hope that the way I treat people grows each and every day to push out anything but loving kindness. I hope to broaden my awareness of our cultural differences, political views, spiritual paths, and know and honor that there is a grain of truth in each of our perspectives, and it is that "melting pot" that makes us such an interesting landscape. And what I want to widen to as large as it could possible grow is my love and compassion for all sentient beings.
What i know is going to continue to get wider, and what I wish I could widen my acceptance of, is my hips...LOL. You see, I am sure some of you reading this will say, that is easy, watch what goes in, and expend more energy than that......well, yes.....but, for those of us who have fat disorders, we know, it is not that easy.....so, I hope to widen the research and acceptance of those of us who are struggling with these illnesses, and the stigmas that go along with it.
Ok, and finally....what I have been trying to widen, is my view of who I am. I am not who I dreamed of being, I am not who I planned on being, and I am not who I want to be. So, who am I? I am someone who has had to figure out how to be fluid and flexible with an illness that is taking away all my preconceived versions and visions of me! So, in my post birthday packing for the next trip around the sun....I have packed only one major goal.
I want to have an art show by this time next year! There are many lessons that could come from this goal, so I think it is a good one. Like for instance...will I allow myself to buy some of the materials I need? Or will I do what I usually do, and decide that the money should go to other aspects of my life. No, this year, I feed my creativity. I hope that my creativity widens to take over my life. Many have said to me that my healing will come from my art. It is time!
So, here is to a year of widening an aspect of me that I have kept rather thin for awhile, my creativity. And hopefully, for my next year's birthday, that of the double 5, you will be attending an art show. Hmmm, I wonder if I should book it now?
