Good Morning to everyone. I haven't written for awhile, partly because I have not been feeling good, but also because I have been trying to work around that not feeling well. So, I don't really know what is going to come out today, I decided to just do a little stream of consciousness writing....it may be interesting???
So, one of the topics I have been wanting to write about it creativity. I am so thankful and grateful that I got this gift times ten. I believe creativity is what has pulled me though this illness. I seem to be creative in almost everything I do. The other day, I was feeling pretty good, and on the days I am feeling good, I like to use one of my creative talents, cooking. So, the pictures above are a plate of my fried green tomatoes, with prawn and raw cow milk dill cheese. I love to have fried green tomatoes in the summer. My version is a little more healthy than the traditional, and they are if I don't say so myself, to die for! I don't deep fat fry these, I saute them in olive oil. I used cracker crumbs, made from rosemary crackers. They were delicious. I am trying to eat a diet that concentrates on reducing inflammation. It is basically the Mediterranean diet. So, part of my creativity is used in cooking meals that are good, nutritious, and will hopefully help the pain decrease. One of my new favorite things to do, is to think of a dish such as bagel and lox, and figure out how to use the basic ingredients to come up with something completely different. For this, I used brown rice and quinoa as the "bagel", and into this I mixed smoked salmon, dill, red onion, capers, and a few sun gold cherry tomatoes cut in half. Then I make a sauce (cream cheese), with olive oil, lime zest, lime juice, and a little creme fraiche. I also add just a tiny bit of agave nectar. Good for me, and good to eat too!!!
So, cooking is how I use my creativity, especially on the days I feel pretty good. I also included a photo of the Plainfield Co-op where I do my shopping. I feel very lucky, as this photo is taken from my front door. The Co-op is the blue building. My other goal I may have mentioned in other blogs, is to do a little exercise every day. I used to have a goal of hiking the Appalachian Trail, then I down graded that to the Long Trail, then I thought well maybe Spruce Mountain (a local mountain peek, and nice hike), and now, I try and I am not always successful to walk to the co-op everyday. While this is sad for me, to watch this progression of the illness, I am very grateful that I am still walking to the co-op, but even more wonderful, is that I have this beautiful place, filled with healthy, organic, local food right across the street from me. And what is even better than that, are the workers who I get to see every time I go there. And, the community members that shop there are also pretty great. It is my touch with human contact each day, and I think that is important. So, I feel very lucky to have this little business across the street. I also feel extremely lucky that I can still walk over there, without a walker!!!
The reason I haven't been writing is a good one. I have been finding creativity and partaking of it's healing potions. I have also been creating art, and I even got out the mandolin and played with that a little again. I have a goal, and that is even if this illness is trying to take me down, cause me pain in every little place in my body...well, I am going to fight back with creativity. It is my weapon of choice. I gladly take up a little creativity and mix it with a little creative energy and come out with the wonderful elixer of pain distraction. It doesn't always work, another reason I have not written is I have been laid low with pain. But, I don't want to talk about that. I am tired of that subject, and tired of that feeling.
I have also been visiting my lovely owlbox. Unfortunately 2 of the owlets have died. I wanted to do a tribute to them in this blog, but I couldn't get the picture I wanted to use to load. I did include it on my FB page. But, another pain distraction I have been using is taking screen shots of the owlets. This is so much fun, as they are like little prehistoric looking, feather covered softballs with tiny little wings....and such humor. I get hours of pleasure doing this! I hope to share some of these here with you, and especially on FB.
So, there you have it, again...not a great piece of writing (I will once again just to write), but if you are someone who is in pain, who feels like life is over because everything you dreamed of doing is no longer within reach, well, I am hoping you too can use some creativity to make this illness and/or chronic pain a little more bearable. I hope you too can cook up something that helps you feel better (yes bad pun), and that you can find something to do that makes you feel like you are still learning, and giving back to this universe we live in! Namaste
Well, I got through yesterday. It wasn't easy. However, with some loving responses and phone calls from from my new kindred, and my cousin.....life got better. Well, I can't lie, the visit to the doctor to get additional pain killers to help with the pain was also a big factor. At least today I can walk without cringing and crying.
So my dear readers, what is on my mind today? Today is filled with possibilities! Quite different from yesterday, huh? Yes, my life has had to take a very different turn. Those possibilities, at least for now, are not what they used to be. There is no way I am driving very far, or taking a walk on my favorite trail, or doing anything that requires much physical exertion. I am afraid those days are over. I am not sure that my doctors would say the same thing, but I know. I can feel how far my body has declined in the past months. I know it is not purely deconditioning, as I try to do things (as you have read), even simple enjoyable things.....and I can no longer participate in them. So, it isn't for lack of trying. And, as I have now realized, that trying can put me down now for days......so, I have to realize, at least for now, and maybe forever.....what I used to think of as fun and socialization....may be over.
So, today.....today is a new day, with a new attitude. And, I was just sitting here wondering what I was going to do today. Planning my day, as it were. The thing that surprised me, is I don't think the day is long enough to get in all the things I want to do....and I mean things that I CAN do. This is exciting and wonderous to me, especially after the crash of yesterday.
So, what is it I can do? Well, I am in the middle of a book that I have been reading, and that is nice as for a few months there, I could not even read. So, that feels like something I would like to do. Of course there is my art work. I am working on a new yarn painting that I am very much enjoying. And, for those of you who have read the first chapter, and have encouraged me to continue....I have a book to write. I also have a number of movies that I have recorded onto my DVR that I need to watch soon, or they will POOF! LOL....
I am also hoping to start a new painting. Well actually, two. One of an image a friend took while visiting the US from Australia. It is an amazing photo she took at the San Diego Zoo of a wolf that she got to howl. She used photoshop to place the wolf into a very cool setting. She sent it to me to see her photoshop work, and gave me permission to paint it. I am very excited about this!!! The other, is a line from a poem another friend wrote. The line blew me away with it's imagery, so again, I asked permission to attempt to put it into a visual image, and she gave me her blessing.
AND THEN...he he...see!!!!! Of course, after taking that encaustics class (that I still can not believe what a generous and beautiful gift that was) I want to set up a studio to continue to do this work. I really should not spend the money (although, I am half way there because of my batik background), but one of these days, when I believe I can drive that far....I will go into Montpelier and get the needed supplies. I am VERY excited about that! Hmmm, maybe that is something I can get my social worker to do with me...hmmm??? LOL.
I do know though, that after taking that class, and the crash and pain that followed....I will have to work very slowly. But, that is the beauty of that medium...it allows for that.
So my friends.....if you see me heading down that path of feeling like because my life has changed so much, I am a different person, with nothing I can do any more.....remind me. Remind me that life is good, and needs to be documented...hence this blog! I know that many of you out there reading this have similar issues. I know your body has changed, has become something that seems so out of control, so foreign that you don't know what to do with yourself, well.....just sit, allow....know that the answer will come. The hopes and dreams that you had may not be within reach any longer, but there will be new ones that come into our lives. Be patient, they will come. (yah, I know, that is kind of odd for me to say, since yesterday, I thought my life would never have joy in it again, but see, see how fast it can turn around) he he he he!!!
Of course there are going to be bad days. That, I think, is unfortunate and inevitable. There will be days when the pain, the fatigue, the weakness will take over (as one friend who has Dercum's Disease calls it "the monster"), but it is temporary. Remember to hang on, to reach out (especially to those who love to laugh....muchas gracias to my late night friend and cousin calls last night)....and to remember, that even when you don't think anyone does or can.....you are loved. If you can't think of anyone....please remember this, and think of me!!! OK? Is that a deal?
Now, off to make my day one of creative fun, creative expression, along with the required rest!!! which even that at times can be a little more creative than I want (dreams).....LOL
I love you all, nameste!!!
Today has been amazing. I should check my horoscope. Days like this, especially for me, do not happen very often. So, when they do, I really don't even know how to react, what to say, what to do....so, my new thing, BLOG.
Before I get into why I think this day has been so incredible, is that for many months, as some of you know, my life has been rather challenging. The obvious challenge is my health, but there have been others. I lost my job, I have had a few people who were close to me pass away, financial stress due to loss of said job has put me in a place I haven't been since I was for all purposes homeless in the early 90's. Added to this, a few friendships have come to an end (even if it was for a good thing, it still is a loss and still hurts), a few of my close friends have been very sick, or struggling with challenges that have affected me too, I can't go into details but a huge family stressor has been causing me emotional upheaval. All my animals need vet attention, but I can't afford it, and it hurts me to watch them hurt. And, others....I am not including this for in any way to have you feel sorry for me, or think I am trying to gain sympathy, actually quite the opposite.
So, to add to the challenge of recent days, by now if you are following this, you may know that I had a colonoscopy where the pain med/sedation didn't work for me. So, Thursday was a pretty intense day. Today, I thought....I am just going to sleep and eat (because I couldn't for days), and rest and treat myself well. And then.....
I think it was around 7:30am maybe, I got a phone call from a friend responding to a request i made to her on FB, to come and help me with trash/recycling. She said, are you ready for this in about an hour? OMG NO, I told her. I let her know that I intended to rest and treat myself well today. Trash just didn't seem to fit into that scenario. But, she said, all I had to do was sit and talk to her, I didn't need to help and she would do the rest. For those of you who don't know, since i have been sick, well let me back up, since i started working in August of 2008, I have had NO energy to do house work. So, a lot of recycling had piled up, and I mean a lot! I also had a fair amount of stuff that was laying around that I wanted to get rid of, but never made it to the dump....stuff like old small appliances that don't work, etc. By 10am, this was all gone. It was all picked up, taken away, and to add to that, it was fun. We laughed a lot, and talked about all sorts of things...I really can't believe how much got done. It was AMAZING, AND TOTALLY MADE MY DAY. So, just as she was leaving, the phone rang....
For some time now, I have been wanting to learn an art process called encaustic. It is basically painting with hot wax. I have been researching it on the internet, and looking at a local artist's work, and I think I would very much enjoy it. But, even if I wanted to try this, there is no way I could afford the materials. Then I also was concerned that if i did buy all the materials, what if I found out I didn't like it? So, I just continued to dream. A friend of mine who I have been discussing this with, called me the other day to tell me that SPA (Studio Place Arts in Barre) has a class on encaustics on July 12th. I looked it up on line and decided that because I have some money I got from an insurance policy I had that paid for each day I was hospitalized, that maybe I would splurge and do the morning portion of the class which was just an intro. The afternoon class was the hands on, with a materials fee. So I called them, and found out that they were probably full. I also asked if there was any kind of discount that I could maybe obtain, but she explained that was not possible. I was very sad, and called to tell my friend this news.
So, the phone call.....she called to tell me that she has paid for my attendance for both the morning and afternoon classes, as well as the material fees, and got me a year's membership to boot! I was speechless. I was well, I was all sorts of ways! She said "Happy Birthday". I told her this was too much, it isn't like she is made of money, and she said "Ok, Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas". I was still stammering for words....and she said, "Ok, you can either say thank you, or no thanks, it is up to you!"
So, wow. That is about all I know how to respond to all this....WOW. The world has seemed so kind of well, cruel lately. Yes, I have been trying to handle it all with a smile and with my chin up, but although I was certainly finding things that were good amongst all the crap.....today was just like over the top reminding me that good things do happen. So, my reader friends....that list of woes at the beginning, that was there to let you know that even when you think the world may be turning against you, that there is not ever going to be good things coming because as I had decided.....I must have been very bad in a past life, and I wanted to make up for it all in one fell swoop!
But no...there are angels amongst us. Don't get me wrong, I have had other good things happen to me, I have had some incredible generosity given to me when I have been in a bad space. In fact even in these past couple of months, I have had some very good, nice, amazing, wondrous things happen. I have met some very amazing new friends, and have even gained a little energy back...(sssssshhhhhhh, I don't want to say that too loud, cuz that I am enjoying and I don't want the bragging fairies to hear me).
But, I think these two very generous, out of the blue, expressions of kindness happening on one day, just hours of each other....well, it hit me.....there is love in this world. And, you don't even have to go out and look for it. Sometimes, it just comes to you unbidden. There is nothing like a fairly serious illness, that goes along with the long term chronic illness to make you start wondering about life, and in particular viewing life from an existential prospective. It is easy to forget about love. It is very easy to wonder how anyone can love you when you have nothing to offer (at least it feels that way at times). It is also too easy for me to accept that. It is what it is.
Until today, when love in it's pure no strings attached form, just the way it should be...came knocking on my door. I am so happy I answered! This learning to love yourself stuff has it's challenges, but also look at the rewards!
