May I Be a Good Friend...

One thing I have been thinking about is friendship. I am very lucky, as I have many good friends. Some, I have never met! I guess in years prior to computers, this may have been called "pen-pals". Now however, I have some very good friends who I chat on the phone with, and write emails to, and I consider them just as good of friends as those who are in my everyday life in the flesh. In fact, they may even know more about me than some of my real time friends. When my uncle recently died, I talked to my aunt who I haven't had much contact with in recent years. She told me that one of the qualities that I had that she envied a little, was being able to make friends easily. I guess that is true.

When I was a kid, I thought everyone was our friend. The guy that pumped gas, the store clerk, and the librarian. My father never knew a stranger. He also made friends easily. I suppose I learned that skill from him. The other thing I think caused this friend making behavior, is being an only child. I did not have sisters or brothers, I also did not have any extended family members that lived close, so I had lots of friends. I grew up in a great neighborhood, and there were kids my age in almost every house on the block. So, friends were always an important staple in my life.

Usually, I have always had many good friends, but one or two really close friends. Lately, I have been thinking about all the friends who have left my life. I am sad about that. Some died, some just faded away as our lives took different paths, and some left under stressful conditions. Some have gone away without any real explanation. Those are the hard ones. Actually, both of my closest and longest relationships ended that way. One was a thirty year friendship. We were closer than friends, really. To me we were more like siblings. I don't know what happened. Our lives did take drastically different paths, but it seems like the older I get, the more I want to rekindle this relationship.....but I wonder, can it work? If I can base a friendship on just shared memories of our crazy past, then maybe. But, when our lives are now so different, maybe it isn't possible to become close once again. It makes me sad though. The person who has the most history of me, is unavailable to me.

The other day I was explaining some amazing gifts some new friends have bestowed on me to someone. These are friends who I have met through the internet. The person stopped me and asked, "Do you have any real friends?" I knew what she meant, but I pondered that for a moment before I answered. Are these not "real" friends? They feel real. I suppose if we were in a room together, rather than on the phone or the internet it is possible that the "chemistry" would cause us not to enjoy one another's company.....but I doubt that. I don't have a sense of smell, so even if they never bathed and smelled horrible....I wouldn't care!!! LOL I could imagine a scenario where they were energy suckers and the boundry crossing would be difficult to handle....but usually, I know this just from talking to someone.....so I think, when and if we ever get into the same room...we will still like one another! So, yes....I have real friends, as they are not imaginary! (What the question meant was do I have friends that I go out and do things with....yes I do)

I had a number of these as a child. I apparently thought they were real. My mother told me that I almost had a break down one day when she slammed the car door shut on one of them! So, they must have seemed real to me. I don't remember this. I don't remember my imaginary friends, but I have heard so many stories that I think I remember them. The only one that no one knows about is the only one I actually remember. I wonder what that means? (If you want to do some arm chair psychotherapizing.....go ahead, my ego can take it...LOL)

My other closest friends.....my animals. Some would possibly say that they would not really be friends, but I think they are the closest friends, and the best friends I have ever had. All they seem to want to do is love me. How many of my friends can I say that about? I have some good friends, but lets face it....the human ones always have some kind of strings attached. That isn't necessarily negative...it is just the nature of us humans...

So, as I sit here tonight, and ponder the meaning of friendship, and friends....I feel pretty darn lucky. I have had, and currently have some amazing friends. Because I have lived in many places, I have also had the fortune to make all kinds of friends, learning about all kinds of cultures, beliefs, religions, and backgrounds. Luckily, I think I am pretty open minded and non-judgemental. I learned a long time ago that it is ok to agree to disagree about things. I have learned so much from my travels, and my curiosity of other people's lives. (Good quality for a psychotherapist huh?)

If you are reading this, you may be my friend...or maybe you just started reading my blogs recently. I want to thank all of you who are reading this, but mostly I want to thank all the friends and acquaintances I have had throughout my life. You have come into my life for a reason, and even if we ended our relationship on a negative or hard circumstance....I learned from you. I believe even those that we consider our "enemies" ( a strong word that I don't really think I apply to any of those who have been in my life, but it is 3am and my word choices are not as plentiful as they could be when I am a little less tired) are our greatest teachers. I truly love all my friends, past and present. I wish I could do something for every single one of you to show my appreciation of our walk on this earth together. Whether that walk was a day, or 30 years, you have touched my heart and changed me. I just hope my interaction with you was positive, or helped you grow in some way.

May all of us find friends that nourish our soul. May we hold onto our friends who love us, and let those who challenge us go with a prayer for their continued well being. May I be a good friend to all who come into my life.

TRASH BAGS, HOT WAX, AND LOVE

Today has been amazing. I should check my horoscope. Days like this, especially for me, do not happen very often. So, when they do, I really don't even know how to react, what to say, what to do....so, my new thing, BLOG.

Before I get into why I think this day has been so incredible, is that for many months, as some of you know, my life has been rather challenging. The obvious challenge is my health, but there have been others. I lost my job, I have had a few people who were close to me pass away, financial stress due to loss of said job has put me in a place I haven't been since I was for all purposes homeless in the early 90's. Added to this, a few friendships have come to an end (even if it was for a good thing, it still is a loss and still hurts), a few of my close friends have been very sick, or struggling with challenges that have affected me too, I can't go into details but a huge family stressor has been causing me emotional upheaval. All my animals need vet attention, but I can't afford it, and it hurts me to watch them hurt. And, others....I am not including this for in any way to have you feel sorry for me, or think I am trying to gain sympathy, actually quite the opposite.

So, to add to the challenge of recent days, by now if you are following this, you may know that I had a colonoscopy where the pain med/sedation didn't work for me. So, Thursday was a pretty intense day. Today, I thought....I am just going to sleep and eat (because I couldn't for days), and rest and treat myself well. And then.....

I think it was around 7:30am maybe, I got a phone call from a friend responding to a request i made to her on FB, to come and help me with trash/recycling. She said, are you ready for this in about an hour? OMG NO, I told her. I let her know that I intended to rest and treat myself well today. Trash just didn't seem to fit into that scenario. But, she said, all I had to do was sit and talk to her, I didn't need to help and she would do the rest. For those of you who don't know, since i have been sick, well let me back up, since i started working in August of 2008, I have had NO energy to do house work. So, a lot of recycling had piled up, and I mean a lot! I also had a fair amount of stuff that was laying around that I wanted to get rid of, but never made it to the dump....stuff like old small appliances that don't work, etc. By 10am, this was all gone. It was all picked up, taken away, and to add to that, it was fun. We laughed a lot, and talked about all sorts of things...I really can't believe how much got done. It was AMAZING, AND TOTALLY MADE MY DAY. So, just as she was leaving, the phone rang....

For some time now, I have been wanting to learn an art process called encaustic. It is basically painting with hot wax. I have been researching it on the internet, and looking at a local artist's work, and I think I would very much enjoy it. But, even if I wanted to try this, there is no way I could afford the materials. Then I also was concerned that if i did buy all the materials, what if I found out I didn't like it? So, I just continued to dream. A friend of mine who I have been discussing this with, called me the other day to tell me that SPA (Studio Place Arts in Barre) has a class on encaustics on July 12th. I looked it up on line and decided that because I have some money I got from an insurance policy I had that paid for each day I was hospitalized, that maybe I would splurge and do the morning portion of the class which was just an intro. The afternoon class was the hands on, with a materials fee. So I called them, and found out that they were probably full. I also asked if there was any kind of discount that I could maybe obtain, but she explained that was not possible. I was very sad, and called to tell my friend this news.

So, the phone call.....she called to tell me that she has paid for my attendance for both the morning and afternoon classes, as well as the material fees, and got me a year's membership to boot! I was speechless. I was well, I was all sorts of ways! She said "Happy Birthday". I told her this was too much, it isn't like she is made of money, and she said "Ok, Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas". I was still stammering for words....and she said, "Ok, you can either say thank you, or no thanks, it is up to you!"

So, wow. That is about all I know how to respond to all this....WOW. The world has seemed so kind of well, cruel lately. Yes, I have been trying to handle it all with a smile and with my chin up, but although I was certainly finding things that were good amongst all the crap.....today was just like over the top reminding me that good things do happen. So, my reader friends....that list of woes at the beginning, that was there to let you know that even when you think the world may be turning against you, that there is not ever going to be good things coming because as I had decided.....I must have been very bad in a past life, and I wanted to make up for it all in one fell swoop!

But no...there are angels amongst us. Don't get me wrong, I have had other good things happen to me, I have had some incredible generosity given to me when I have been in a bad space. In fact even in these past couple of months, I have had some very good, nice, amazing, wondrous things happen. I have met some very amazing new friends, and have even gained a little energy back...(sssssshhhhhhh, I don't want to say that too loud, cuz that I am enjoying and I don't want the bragging fairies to hear me).

But, I think these two very generous, out of the blue, expressions of kindness happening on one day, just hours of each other....well, it hit me.....there is love in this world. And, you don't even have to go out and look for it. Sometimes, it just comes to you unbidden. There is nothing like a fairly serious illness, that goes along with the long term chronic illness to make you start wondering about life, and in particular viewing life from an existential prospective. It is easy to forget about love. It is very easy to wonder how anyone can love you when you have nothing to offer (at least it feels that way at times). It is also too easy for me to accept that. It is what it is.

Until today, when love in it's pure no strings attached form, just the way it should be...came knocking on my door. I am so happy I answered! This learning to love yourself stuff has it's challenges, but also look at the rewards!