Am I Depressed??

I can start off by saying....NO. But, so many people
seem to think I am, or should be. Yesterday I had an interesting experience at my doctor's office. He said he declined my home health nurses's request for a DNR. I said "no wait, that is correct". He looked all concerned and said, "I have to explain this to you. If you are outside and suddenly drop, no one can touch you, even if you could be resucitated you will die"
" That is correct"
"But you are pretty young to want that"
"Come live in my shoes, and see if you want to continue living if something says it is my time to go"
At that, my dear doctor gave me stats to back up my thinking. I really think he was giving himself stats to be ok with me, at 54 years old, not wanting to be kept alive. I suppose some people would think that was coming from a place of depression, but for me.....I think it is the most sane and wonderful choice there is. I certainly don't want to be kept alive by machines, but really, I want to go when that first touch of the "death angel" comes for me. I think that will be one of my departed animals BTW.

I am not afraid of death. I don't welcome it, but I have lived a pretty event filled life. I have no regrets as I look back, in fact mostly I smile. I have had easy times and hard times. Right now, because of my health, I am having the hardest time ever. Sure, I find ways to keep myself happy. I am enjoying what I do have, but truth be told, I am not all that happy with my quality of life. I have learned to adapt. Another comment made at my doctor's appointment yesterday....
I said in response to a small political discussion we were in, "I pretty much quit watching news, I find that those CNN junkies I know are all pretty depressed. I know that the world has things that suck in it, I really don't need to be reminded on a daily basis".
My doc agreed and said that it gives him a feeling of being out of control, but it is really a mirage that we are in any kind of control at all anyway. I agreed, and said, "Try getting a chronic pain illness, or 5 in my case.....there is nothing like that to wipe away any thoughts that we are actually in control of much of anything. I learned that you learn to roll with the punches, you learn to be grateful of the good things, and you focus on what you have, rather than what you don't have."

So, yes, if you look at my life, you may think I am depressed. I spend a great amount of time inside, laying on my couch. I don't reach out to people like I used to, I don't attend social events. So, based on that, on a forced isolation...well, it could look like depression. But, I am so grateful for those friends that have hung in there with me, that have not given up on me because I can't participate in their social invites. I am very grateful to my medical providers who have hung in with me and know that I am doing my best to help myself feel as good as can be.

So, I am not depressed. I am just moving along the best I can, waiting for the day when the pain will lessen, the fatigue will lift, and my life will have a better quality. I still have some hope that this will happen. As you know if you have been reading this, I have been adjusting my goals so I do have something to look forward to. I think this is key.

So no, I am not depressed...quite the opposite, even if I did request a DNR!!