54 years ago...

Ok, it is here, the dreaded birthday. It isn't that I mind getting older, that has never been an issue for me. I think it is that I feel like I am supposed to be surrounded by friends and family, or do something special, and that just isn't going to happen. In and of itself, that doesn't bother me at all, but it is just the IDEA that is supposed to happen is what bothers me.

So, I think I want to spend a little time remembering when those kind of birthdays did happen. I used to always have fun and do special things on my birthday. Some were good, some were not. My 50th birthday was probably the worst one I have ever had. I won't go into the details, as too many people were involved in that, but it is one that will always be in my mind.

For many years, I thought it was important to do something adventurous on my birthday, so I have fire walked, rafted down class 5 rapids, and got a tattoo....just to name a few.

One birthday, I did something that probably few people have ever done. I was born at 1:17am. At the time I was working in a psych unit of the hospital where I was born. The thing that makes this kind of interesting, is....the day room of the psych unit used to be the delivery room. So, at that time, I went down there, unlocked the door and went in there and sat quietly. I can't say that I got any strange feelings, or memories....but I thought it was kind of cool. Just the experience of it.

Many of my birthdays included partying into a stupor, so while I would love to, I can't even tell you what I did. The first one I remember is my 16th birthday. I used to have a Rambler station wagon, where the seats folded down to one long "bed". I think there were about 10 of us that piled into it and went to the drive in theater. "Clockwork Orange" was playing. That was the night I watched a friend of mine, who was brilliant, change. After that night, he started talking like the characters in that movie. It was scary. I also don't think I will go into the details, but I think I witnessed a mind, interrupted that night. The "establishment" (or anyone over 30) tried to say it was drugs.....I think we all knew it was something much more serious than that, but that was the easy thing to blame. It was sad.

The drinking age was 18 at the time, and on my 18th birthday I happened to be in Germany with a concert band tour. It was run kind of like the Army, with no one allowed to drink or smoke. Luckily, the people who were on this trip who were there to "watch over us" were my friends (there were many who were younger on this trip), so the chaperones and myself all snuck out to a bar and I had a few "lemon wodkas" and a whole lot of cigarettes, and lived to tell about it. The threat to us was if they caught us, they would leave us in that country and we had to find our own way back. It was fun, a little dangerous, so I guess that fits into an adventure! Just a little aside...Lorrena McKennit (sp?) was a member of this group. She was in the tour choir. (She is famous now, we all knew she would be).

My 21 birthday, I kind of remember. It didn't mean as much as it does now. I was living in Dallas, TX and was being terribly abused by this guy I was living with. I decided to "escape" and return to Montana for the summer. I went back to the bar I used to work in, in Bozeman, MT, and spent it with my friends from there (mostly bikers). In those days, we used to say we would die for each other, and that we would never loose touch......I have no idea where any of them are, of if they are still alive (we lived a rather risky life in those days).

Over the years I have spent my birthday with different people in different ways. When I was living in Georgia, I met a woman briefly one day in a coffee shop. I noticed her earrings and mentioned that I liked them. From there we connected a few times on the computer (the internet was just getting started back then). I barely knew her, but we went to Lillith Fair on my birthday together. It was fun. I kept wondering how I was spending a day that was supposed to be with good friends, or family with someone I barely knew....but, I was never one to stand on ceremony.

In recent years, my birthday has usually been gathering a few friends to go out for a meal together. Last year, although it wasn't on my actual birthday, a friend treated me to a concert, and this year, as I think I have already written, a friend paid for an art course for me. These were both very generous and wonderful gifts.

But, this birthday is different. I haven't had the energy to arrange anything. I tried calling a few people to see if they wanted to go out to eat tomorrow (well now it is today), but I didn't tell them it was my birthday, I just didn't want them to feel obligated.....so, I guess I am spending my birthday alone. Is this a sign of getting older that I really don't care?

I gave up years ago of caring if I got presents or cards. I am not that materialistic. But I always enjoyed company. Now, even that seem unnecessary. I guess it may also be one of the "side effects" of this illness. Having fun is something that makes me pay in pain and fatique for days afterward. Maybe it has reached the point that I would rather spend even my birthday doing nothing but resting, as the consequences are so painful.

I guess on some levels this makes me sad. Did I ever think that I would become a person who was ok with spending a birthday doing nothing? Me? The party girl, adventure seeker, wild one.....I guess it took a major illness to tame me, but here I am tamed. In about 30 minutes, 54 years ago I entered this world....I bet there were hopes and dreams for me. I bet none of them came true. I have heard this statement twice today (in different ways), but basically:

If you choose a path, and don't realize that it may not be the one you are on, you may miss that which you are offered that just may be where you are supposed to be....

I wonder, is that what has happened? I certainly can not look back and say I am sad, or regret any of the amazing years/experiences I have had in my life. I can only look back and wonder how I got where I am now? It isn't the path I would have thought I would be on, nor one that I hoped I would be on......but, here I am, and I think I am pretty good at keeping my eyes open for whatever this may be leading me toward?

So, I am hoping this next trip around the sun reveals to me the reason I have had to leave what I thought would be my path, behind. I hope I am set on the path that leads me to the purpose I know I am here to do. I am also hoping that maybe there will be some new characters that come along to guide me, play with me, help me along this new path. There already is, and I am very excited about that!!! (you know who you are...he he)....So, Happy Birthday to me, and I wish that this be a year of healing, not only for me, but those who join me on this path of the 54th year of life! namaste