What's pain gotta do with it?

Hello everyone. Well, another day another adventure in bodyland. I have said before, and I am saying it again....all these illnesses that have invaded my body, make me an adventurous soul. Everyday, I wake up, I have something new to face. Will it be a good day, where I can get some things done? Will it be an ok day, where I can do some of the things I can enjoy, maybe talk to some friends on the phone, or computer? Or, will it be one of THOSE days, where i can barely hold on.

It is good when it is one of the first two, but of course that last one, which many of us know all too well, makes me want to shiver and hide. The reason why, I am very close to those days. I woke up today in pain that was taking my breath away. I was feeling very nauseous, and to think about moving was causing me to cry. Yeah, fun huh? So, I reach for the pain killers, and I pray...I pray they will work, as i am not wanting a day of barely holding on. These days not only hurt like hell, but for some reason they last forever. You know those really fun days that when you blink and they are gone, you wonder where the time goes? I think I have figured it out, it goes to these kind of days. The ones you want to have over in the blink of an eye, but that seem to last for decades.

But, as luck will have it, the pain killers kicked in. Some. I am sitting here writing to you, because, that is about all I can do. The thought of moving around still gives me the shivers. I know some people will say, "that is what you have to do, that is the only way to help the pain"...I agree...but not this time. I have pain now, that does not help to move around, because this is not the stiff and sore joint pain. This is the Dercum's Disease pain. Moving around is not the answer to these puppies.....they just hurt more. I have these lumps (for those of you who do not know, dercum's disease comes with painful lipomas (fatty tumors). The ones that are hurting so badly on me right now, are around my hip area. Every step I take brings on excruciating pain, as I think what happens are the lipomas get affected by gravity, and when they are moving toward the floor, they pull on the nerves.....just my opinion, I have no idea why they hurt like they do. But believe me, it is the kind that makes you want to not only bite the bullet, but put in right into the middle of your forehead!

The other day, I was in both physical and emotional pain. Today, it is mostly just the physical. However, I would like to be outside doing something fun, with a group of people. I would like to camp, or even to walk down to the end of the block and check out the farmer's market that happens here in my little town each Sunday. But, today is a day for sitting very still, and allowing the pain killers to work.

These are the kind of days, that I would like to have someone drop by, or call on the phone, but then, I am in such pain that I tend to not be very present. It actually makes talking to someone more difficult....I am sure you who have this problem can relate to that, those who may be reading this who do not may be wondering what makes it so hard to talk? I am not really certain I can answer that, except with the easy answer of the pain is so for front in my thinking, taking over all my concentration, that trying to listen to someone else is like trying to hear a conversation you are not only interested in, but if you do not hear what the person has to say, something bad could happen to you. At the same time the Beatles reunited (yes that would be a miracle), to sing just one song. What do you focus on, a miracle that you would just die to experience, or a converstation that could change your life......hmmmm? Well, that was kind of a strange example, but if the conversation is the pain....that which you would like to get away from, but can't, and the Beatles reuninon song another person's conversation, that which you so want to hear and be interested in....well.........you know what is going to probably win in the end. Even if the win is that you didn't get to fully pay attention to the song.

Wow, I am not sure I just did any justice trying to explain that. But, that is how my mind is working today. It kind of isn't. That is what pain does. I hestitated about writing this. I thought I should wait until the pain cleared some, the fog cleared some......and I could actually write something with some insight, or some humor, or something.....but here it is......this is what pain has to do with it. I think, it makes me, Mary into something that I never was, but I am afraid will forever be. I used to have a very sharp mind, and quick whit, an energy drive that could match anyone. And now, I have this constant companion called pain. It is like hanging out with the person who took everything you owned, and still allowing them to be by your side.

These pills, they dull the pain. They make me think for a few minutes that maybe the pain has left my side....but they are just masks. Don't get me wrong, if I did not have these masks, I fear what my life would really be like. I don't think I would have a life. Or, at least nothing anyone could call a life worth living.

So, I take the pills, I wait.....as I know each day is an adventure. Every day I wake up, I get to uncover if I get to have a life that is somewhat normal. A life that is somewhat filled with happiness, or is it going to be one of those hang on days......yes, these illnesses are not for whimps.....they are for those who love adventure!