What happened to yesterday? How is it possible to go from a pain free (almost) day, to one that I can't get anything to knock down the pain level. This seems unfair. But then, what does that mean? So, the following is a peak into, how to try to make intense unrelenting pain go away....or, I do try other things besides the pain killers.....
Earlier today, I wanted to come on here and get very deep and philosophical. I had some thoughts that I wanted to share, about spirituality, love etc. But now, the pain is all I can think about. I have tried everything I know how to try to get this to quit. I have spent about 3 hours total in a hot bath, which feels fairly good while I am in there, but the minute I get out....back to pain level 15 out of 10. So, I try distraction, which can work on some days....music, writing, reading, watching TV, but can't keep my mind on anything but the pain. Ok, time for meditation. First, I did the no thoughts, just get into that zone....nada, just kept bringing the thoughts back to the pain. So, then I tried the other way, get into the pain...what is it telling me? After about 30 minutes of this, I was ready to go do something crazy. I couldn't think of anything, but something like go put a a new computer on my credit card, or go drive to someplace far away, I have never been but have been wanting to see, or go to the local swimming hole and just pound the crap out of these arms and legs, I can't see how they could hurt any more......but, reality sank in...would that help? NO my rational being yelled back at me.
I thought maybe I could cook my way into feeling better. So I decided to make a nice healthy dish of quinoa and lots of veggies in a cold salad with a lime vinegrette. Again, I thought hey, I can't hurt worse, so I walked over to the coop, and back and stood to make the salad.... I became so nauseous from the pain, there was no way I could eat or enjoy the salad.
I thought maybe if I called a friend and tried to talk, that would help....I am so glad I got voice mail, as I heard my voice sound like I was about to burst out in tears at any second....don't think I would have been a very good conversationalist! So now what....
I have taken the most dose I am prescribed of the pain killers, and a little extra, and while it has maybe taken the pain down to a 12 out of 10, for some reason even these little wonders are not working today. Why? Why was yesterday so good, and now today......this. I wish I had the answer, because then maybe I could make it go away...weather? maybe??
well, my friends, basically I thought this would be another way of distracting, that maybe if I wrote about it, it would help, but what it is doing is making my arms and hands way more sore. Crap. I guess it is back into the tub go I......I also don't understand what is keeping me in my body today. Where is the disassociation I spoke of before, even that isn't happening, and that is usually kind of automatic. I don't know what to say except......
Mary is not having a good day! I think this could be like coyote ugly with a twist.....I need to chew my arms and legs off to get away from myself in pain (which I guess is like an unwanted bed partner?)
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