I am sad today. Not really sure why....I am thinking it may be the end of "The Hills"...just kidding. I spent most of the morning crying, which I hardly ever do. But, I think ever once in awhile, that isn't such a bad thing, I think it gets rid of some toxins....tear toxins or something. Maybe because tears are so close to the brain crying removes some brain toxic build up.....and Lord knows, I could use a little of that!
So, cut to this afternoon. I just had 3 Americorps angels come to help me clean out part of my house. They spent 2 hours, did an amazing job....and I am more than grateful to them.....but I could use them for another 20 hours. How did my life get this way? I think that is why I was crying.
I have never been an obsessive cleaner, but I have always been fairly neat and clean. I did my housework, and cleaned up after myself. I even enjoyed some parts of cleaning. I actually loved it when something got really dirty, and then I would clean and you could smell how wonderful it smelled, and how nice it looked.......then i got sick. I knew in order to keep working that something in my life had to go. I don't know if it was a total conscious decision, but it seems like house work was what went. I would do what I could, so it wasns't horribly bad, but it was certainly a couple of notches below my normal.
Then when I went on disability, and I wasn't working (it took me a couple of months to get to this after I left the job, which was in 2005) I could use my energy on cleaning a little. I would do a little of something each day. Again, it wasn't up to the par that it was prior to getting sick, but at least if someone came to the door, I would not be embarrased to let them in.
Ok, now we get to August of 2008. I started working again. It was supposed to be only about 17 hours a week, but that quickly went up to thirty. I loved this job, it was fun, it wasn't stressful.....so I was happy to do it. But, for me, the trade off was....I would work, and I would rest. That was about all I could do. I could not do any housework, as I just didn't have the energy. I would clean the toilet, the sinks, do a load of laundry, and wash some dishes.....and that was it.
Ok, now here we are close to a year after getting laid off from that job in October of 2009. I am lucky if I can get myself to the bathroom when I have to go....sorry if that is too graphic for you, but I am not kidding. I don't know what to do. I "look" fine. I "sound" fine. I am NOT fine. I need help. I hate asking for help, but I need more help than I look like, sound like, or will admit than I need. This is scaring me. I don't admit this to too many people, so if you are reading this, consider yourself in some kind of inner circle. Although it isn't like it comes with any perks.
It is so humiliating to be in this place. Basically alone, and sick, and very sad. But, I don't look or act like this is where I am at. First, I have to say.....I do have many friends, and wonderful friends....so when I say alone.....I guess I mean more like the concept that I have no one in my life who has agreed to be there for me in sickness or health. Someone who is here on an everyday basis that sees what needs to get done and helps me do them. (I think I have to add here that I know that everyone who has a partner in life does not mean that they have automatic help. I read posts on some of the support groups I belong to, that talk about their S.O's not paying any attention to them, and in some ways, I think that would be worse than being alone!)
Ah heck, I don't know what I am tying to say. I am tired and in lots of pain, as of course...I had to try to help these marvelous women who came over to help me. I did about 1/10 of what they did, and it has almost killed me. My legs are so swollen, my back in very sore, and I feel like I have just been kicked for a couple of hours by a professional football team (and no, I am not exagerating).
Here is the really hard thing to accept, as I watch my body seemingly decline more and more every day: for the past two times of getting into my tub....I fell in, as I can no longer make my body (knees, and arms I guess) support me while lowering myself in. Then getting out is no picnic either.
so, I just want to cry....I know I did that this morning, and I don't usually do that....but maybe, that is what I am supposed to do....cuz really, writing about it here, has just depressed me even more.
But, I am soooooo grateful for those that have helped. Maybe it is because I am a Leo, and that is all about Pride.....my pride is wounded. Hmmm, what do you use to patch up some pride problems? Guess I should go meditate some on this.....
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