Down dooby do Down Down!!!

well, I guess I have to admit it. Life just isn't that much fun sometimes. Even when I would like to come here and say that although I am sick, i can make light of it. Or, I can find things that make me realize that I am still lucky to be alive. well, my friends, today is not one of those days.

After my last blog, I am happy (I think) to say that I slept for almost 23 hours straight. My animals woke me up to remind me that they like to eat, but other than that....I slept. Yes, if you have been following this, or my face book entries, you know that I probably needed this kind of sleep. But, I woke up, and I was not feeling good. In fact, all I could really think about was how come I have to endure this kind of pain, and this life filled with chronic 24/7 pain, fatigue that actually hurts, and weakness that is now causing more issues for me to deal with. (mainly, I can no longer get in and out of my bath tub). I am having a full on pity party today. I wrote on FB status....."I am having a bad day, and it is only 6:25am"...or something like that. It is now 2:30 in the afternoon, and things are just marginally better.

I really don't know if anyone is reading this, no one has left any comments for awhile, but still....I will write. I usually want to write something positive, but today, I just can't. well, I could, but I would be lying. I am sick to death of having to live a life of coping. Of trying to keep my chin up and pretend I am happy, because that is what society wants me to be. Well, I guess that is what I want to be too, but it just isn't a happening thing. I go on face book, or read e-mail or run into people I know, who all have stories. They all are going somewhere exciting for vacation, they are getting married, having babies, getting engaged, finding a new relationship, buying a new house....etc. Yippee. I want to be happy for them, usually I am happy for them....today, i am sad for myself.

I think what makes it worse, is I just had a couple of good days. Then the crash. You think by now I would be used to this. It happens. It will always happen. I think this is a little different than your typical good day bad day scenario if you don't have some kind of chronic illness. I think when you have a chronic illness, there is this false hope that when the good days are there, the illness is easing up. Maybe even leaving your body. But then, it comes crashing down around you again, just to remind you.....you are sick.

Today I went to my doctor's office. I love them. There, I find the most compassionate people in my universe. They listen, they give me the meds I need to get me through this rough spot, and then they say...."don't worry, you will feel better". Will I? Really, will I? I don't think so. Not anymore. I used to. I used to have this hope that things would eventually get better, but now I think I have to face the reality....it just isn't going to happen. Yes, I am going to have good days. But, when I think of what good days mean to me now....it just makes me feel sad. I now get excited when I have a day where I can stand at the sink long enough to do a whole sink of dishes, and cook a good meal. I think a good day is when I can rest long enough to go out and do some social type event...but knowing I will pay for it for the next couple of days. Those are my good days now. Think of it, if you are reading this and do not have a chronic illness...think of what makes you think you had a good day. I bet washing dishes isn't high on that list.

Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. Luckily, I don't get into this place too often. I can usually look at my life and realize, even though it isn't great, it is much better than some. But today, it just feels like it doesn't matter any more. Why should I try any more? Yuck....I hate these kinds of days.

Ok, here is why I am writing this. I know, that many of you, if there is actually any of you reading this, have chronic illnesses.....I know that you get into days that feel this way too. I decided to write this because i think it is normal to feel this way. I told the P.A. I saw today, that I have a guide to if this is depression, or just situational. If in two weeks, I feel this way still...well then, maybe it is time to look at some happy pills. But, for now, I think it is just your basic pity party...that most people would keep to themselves. But, here I am, writing out mine for the world to see.

Unfortunately, a few people have been on the receiving end of this current melt down. Probably, they are not going to read this, but i feel like I need to aplogize for that. I really don't mean to have my emotions bleed out onto everyone and everything. But, sometimes, it just happens. I know too, that maybe it didn't seem like such a big deal to you, but to me, I feel ashamed. I don't want people to be affected by my crap. (namely, John, Lisa, and Sarah).

Ok, maybe, I will just go crawl under a rock for a few days, lick my wounds, and return to be happy and witty and full of insight and love for you all to read. Or maybe I will continue to bleed out my emotions all over this blog. After all, it may just be a cathartic exercise for myself anyway.

Life isn't so good right now. Maybe the meds will kick in, and then at least the pain level will decrease. But, I wish what would increase is the love i know that is out there, but just seems to be stopping at some barrier I have constructed. I mean just the other day, I was so impressed and so in awe of how nice some of my friends where to me. And what has changed? Nothing, but my own perceptions. Why? But right now, i feel so isolated, so unable to be loved. It is driving me crazy, because I know it isn't true.

Ah heck....I am tired of writing...it isn't helping.....I wish I could figure out what would. Have any ideas? I know I should not hit the publish post button, but what the heck.....here it goes....