I just woke up. I wish I didn't. (I don't mean I wish I would have never woken up, I am not that bad off!!!) I finally got some very good consecutive hours of sleep, but now I can't move. I am so very tired of this. I am waiting for mommies little helpers to kick in. I am really hoping they do fast, as I would love to get up and do the normal morning things....like brush my teeth. Because you see, even that is not possible. Well, if someone was in my bedroom with a gun to my head saying "you better go brush your teeth". I supposed I could muster the fortitude to go do it then, but right now......nope, not a happening thing!
The pain is what stops me, and the stiffness. I actually woke up around 11:30am (ok save your judgement, I didn't get to sleep until almost 3am), and then it took me about 15 minutes of tiny little movement to try to get my back to not spasm. When I finally accomplished that, I had to work on massaging my upper left arm, which has suddenly become a place on my body that needs attention, cuz if I didn't, it would just feel like there were rocks in there, and I can't move it. Finally at about 12 o'clock, I was able to reach over and take the pain meds. (the arm that needed work is on the side of the bed that needed to reach to get the pain meds). Also, there was no way, that arm could have held onto and raised the bottle of water I have with me at all times, to even take the meds.....so after the massage, I can do these things........waiting for the meds to kick in.....
so, while waiting, I need to focus on my legs. They feel as if not only had they completed a marathon run, then some person came up and bashed them to bits with some heavy object. Not to mention that they are so swollen, that just moving them is like trying to make a water balloon fold and bend. So, I lay here and do similar motions that I did with my back....tiny little movements, ones that don't make me scream. Then they can get larger, until I am almost to the place where I think I could swing them over the bed and sit up. Of course , the back is still thinking this is a very bad idea, and tells me so.....but I don't listen!
I sit on the side of the bed and look down at my feet. (ok, I gave this some consideration, but i decided, I am including a picture of these things that are called feet. Then you can get some idea of what it is I am talking about, I guess as you will see, it is more my ankles that look very swollen, but don't let that fool you, the feet are in pretty bad shape too) They no longer look like the feet I used to look at and think, "my you are ugly feet" (face it, how many of us really have pretty feet?), but now they are feet that look like they belong to some other creature. They have lumps and bumps and swellings (but I still have those cute almost non existent toes they are so tiny, but now they seem to be wanting to lay on top of one another, weird). Anyway, I am sitting here looking at my feet because I have to give them a pep talk. They know what is coming, they know that when i step down on them they have to carry all this weight (they wish I would lose some of this weight...I agree with them, but you know, I blame part of that on them, they are the ones who walks with me to the refrigerator, so it is their fault too!!), but I digress yet again.....ok, I am just talking to those feet, begging them to allow me to stand up, and to do their thing. I actually have to tell me knees the same thing.....so here I go, I am going to try....
Good thing there is a wall very close that holds me up when the freaking feet and legs decided not to. Yep, I am there, holding onto the door nob that kept me from falling down. Apparently the feet and legs (oh maybe that is what is wrong, I just talked to the knees, I didn't say anything to the whole leg, especially my thighs, they are the ones who have been very naughty lately. They are the culprit for much of this pain...how could I forget......well, they didn't let me, as here I am now leaning on the wall, hanging onto the door nob, and wishing I could fly or at least just hover. Wouldn't that be nice....but, I really don't want to have to clean up after myself (if you get my drift), so I decided that I have to say "feet, don't fail me now"....and I include the rest of my body along with that. And I walk like a combination of Lurch, on the "Adam's Family", and a drunken person wobbling out of a bar after way too many, " just one more" cocktails. This would be kind of funny to watch, if it wasn't me, and it didn't hurt so damn much. I get to the place where I get to sit. (wink wink) Or in my house "the throne of undivided attention", as this is where all my animals come to get petted. Long standing habit, and quite funny, I think. It doesn't matter if I have just been sitting with one of them on my lap, I head there, and so do they, circling my feet (the small ones) and my beloved Keefa, my dingo.....she always just sits and smiles, or sometimes I even think it is more like laughing at me. (you know, you could do that same thing right outside, really, you don't have to sit on that cold hard thing, you could just go pop a squat right out there behind that door, silly human)... But, the throne of undivided attention has become a "thing" in my house.
Ok, now I have to either try to do things like brush teeth, comb hair, wash face.......but as I am standing up again, i see that is not a happening thing. So, I hang onto everything I can, and I lurch back to the home away from home within the home...the bed. Ok, here is where it may get sad....for those of you who are actually reading this (first I need to wonder why?, and second I say "oh wow, thanks for actually reading this"....but if you don't want to hear a sad little pitty party rant....skip over the next color...cuz here it comes....
I get back in bed....and I decide while I am waiting for that which makes me half human to course through my veins and allows me to do things like brush my teeth, and wash my face.etc........I would just get on the net, look to see what has happened during the night....what are my friends up to: I guess I shouldn't have done that. You see, I had the most excellent days for the last two days, and that is not to say today could not turn out to be good too.....but, I started looking at friend's who have posted pictures of all sorts of fun things. Out doing things with their families, photo's from vacations, pictures of our engagement, look at the beautiful wild life around my house,. Then I start reading.....hey going to bread and puppet, come on up and meet us up there, or there is a great party happening at this restaurant, would love to see you there, and we are heading out to the lake, if you are not doing anything, you should come on out. And, what do i do....I cry. I sit here and I sob. People, i would love to join you at any one of those places, I wish I was out taking pictures of wonderful things......but people, I am sitting here hoping that when enough of the stupid painkillers kick in, I will be able to go brush my teeth. It just hit me hard today. I am not even taking pain killers which have this huge stigma, and whole issue of people wondering why I take them, or if I need them......and here I am taking them, so I can walk to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I am not liking this picture. Not one little bit. I am so overly aware that there is a world of wonderful things to do and see, even right down the street from my house is our farmer's market....and here I am. Now, this does not come with just an oh poor me rant.....this also comes with a whole side order of fear.
I wrote the other day, about the most generous gift I have ever received, and that is the art class I will be taking tomorrow. I am going to go, even if this is the way I will be feeling......in fact the generous gift came with the admonishment....."you are not going to end up being a no show are you" so, I will go. But, if I am feeling like this, if the pain level is off the charts (which many days the pain meds just don't do a thing for)....then, yes I will be there, but no I won't be there. I will be disassociating to get through it. Yes, I am not liking my life right now, and I am thinking....it isn't fair. This girl just wants to have fun, This girl just wants to brush her freaking teeth! This girl just wants to have a family that goes on outings to fun places, and laughs and smiles. This girl just wants to accept invitation (which are getting few and far between, as I can rarely go to things anymore) to parties and dinners and lunches out, this girl wants to travel and take photos and send them back to show people where I have been and the fun and exotic things I have done. This girl just wants a body that is not the cause of daily anguish. This girl is mostly thankful for a very strong mind that gets her through this failing body. This girl is tired, but this girl will not give up! (this woman also knows that it is not ideal to call a woman a girl, but it is a play on the theme of Cindi Lauper's "Girls just wanna have fun")
Ok, rant over. Pain Killers are starting to make me think that teeth brushing may be coming right up on my day's activity planner. And I am excited to get back to the art work I am doing. Yesterday I went over to the coop and got some edible pea pods, and some Annie Goddess dressing, and I am going to have a yummy lunch of those, and some left over chili from my favorite unnamed little cuban food trailer that I call a roach coach (which basically that is what they are called in larger cities, but a friend of mine thought I was putting down his place of establishment, so a disclaimer.....I am in no way saying that his food or his trailer is bad, or dirty, in fact I think anyone who lived around this area should go check this guy's cuban food out, it is sooooo good), and I may even talk on the phone to a friend who has recently come into my life and makes me laugh...so all is not lost. But, I do yearn for a more active life. I used to have it, and I miss it. Don't ever take your ability to move easily around on this earth for granted. Be grateful for a body that isn't constantly shouting at you, or reminding you that your new life is one of watching, of waiting, of wishing, of hoping. Be grateful if you got up this morning and brushed your teeth, and didn't even give it a thought!
PS: It is now 2:30pm, and I am about to get out of bed, and finally go brush those teeth. It has taken the pain killers this long to finally kick in, and allow me to move with some ease. see, this is my life...again, please don't think I am telling you this because I want any sympathy (I know I say that a lot, and it isn't that I don' think a little sympathy is a good thing, but it isn't my goal in writing any of these pages, and if it ever is, I will tell you!), but it is for an understanding of what it is like to have a body that makes just the activities of daily living freaking hard. A group of us are on a committee that meets early in the morning. There have been times that I get up and get ready, and then no one shows up, as they have been canceled and someone forgot to call me. Now, I hope by reading this, I can help some of you understand why, for me and others like me, that the simple act (for you) of getting up and getting ready to leave your house.....is not so easy for us. And, because we did that....the rest of the day just may be shot. If you would like a better understanding of this, google the spoon theory. (or you can find it on www.butyoudontlooksick.com ) This gives a very good understanding of those of us who live with very little energy in our "bank" has to go through every day. so, again reader, if there are indeed any of you out there, thanks for taking the time to read this, and hopefully learn what it is like to live with chronic pain.....or, that you have a kindred who understands your daily struggles. Strength of mind and will be with us!!!! Peace and compassion with everyone, this world needs a whole lot more of that.
No comments:
Post a Comment