I think I am learning something...I am a human being!

Today is a good day. I can't tell you why. Yesterday, not only was I confused and sad and angry and all sorts of ways....today, I just seem to be happy. Yay me! So, what has changed? Well, for one, the pain, fatigue and weakness appear to be taking a back seat to everything today. My mind is a little mushy, but for the most part, I am able to stay present, enjoy the little things I find....like the joy of touching the Touch Me Not, or Jewel Weed....I don't think I will ever tire of those little spring loaded pockets of weed seed throwing devices! I wonder, did the Creator create that to be so entertaining that we just couldn't help ourselves from doing that? Ok, I am sure the more scientific of you are saying something like "No, it is so sensitive so when something brushes against it, or a strong wind even, will propagate it's species", but I like to take it to the amazing and absurd!

Yesterday, I found myself quite taken aback by some of the comments (not made publicly) about my blog. I was so confused. I guess it sounded like i was saying that I believed or thought that maybe it was true that the drugs were causing me more pain......nope, nada, no way jose! What I was trying to say, was.....that if some doctors were saying that maybe it was true that the literature was saying that, then maybe I would have to start over again to prove that it wasn't so. That is why I wanted medical assistance, so they could actually see and document the fact that when I go off pain killers, I become what some may call a hot mess....or just a plain hot headed mess. I am not so nice, or kind, or wise, or witty. I know these things, I have lived through them. If you read any of the replies to my blog yesterday, an Angel, named Angel wrote a beautiful response. As Angel said I could have been writing her words, she very beautifully wrote mine. The pain was there before the drugs, the pain will be there after the drugs, the pain is there during the drugs.....I am just trying to live my best life. That is all I want. So, as things would go in my life.....I believe in signs, I think God sends them to me daily, and if I am awake, I catch them....sometimes they are called consequences, sometimes they are called a kick to the head, but anyway....today I was sent another message.

A friend, who I have recently met, suggested that I read a book he had read. He said it was about questioning religion, or something like that. It sounded maybe like something interesting, but also I was a little dubious. But, I got it.....and here is a quote: "...pain has a way of clipping our wings and being able to keep us from being able to fly. And if it's left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget you were ever created to fly in the first place" The Shack by Wm. Paul Young. YES!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok along with this quote, came a little gift late last night. I am still having problems with insomnia, so I tend to go to a chat room and video cam of a little barn owl named Molly. I will confess, if there is anything I am addicted to right now, it is this owl! But, in chat I met a person (I have no clue if it is male or female, but I am just going to say he, cuz it is one letter less to type *grins*) who is a medical professional. I won't go into the whole almost 2 hour chat, but basically he said I am on the right path. Pain needs to be looked at carefully but the effects from chronic pain, can be just as bad, if not worse than the side effects from the pain meds. He listened very carefully to my concerns, to my symptoms, and to my theory. His suggestion is that I am on a low dose of narcotics, especially for how long I have been on them, and that I have no need to prove anything to my doc (especially the one who prescribed them) as he already knows my level of pain, or he would not be prescribing them. Ok, validation.

So, now that I have these 3 "gifts", I see. I see that what I am doing is trying to remember that I am created to fly. If I keep myself from flying because of some opinions of others who do not live in my body, do not know my level of pain, and who can in no way understand what I need to function, well then I am grounded. And being grounded is sad. Sometimes I don't even think we know we are grounded, we just know we feel sad, or somehow cheated out of something we know, something deep deep inside.

I believe that because I know I was created to fly, I know that there is greatness, beauty and wonder in this world, and it is all there for my taking.....well then, why not do what ever it is that makes me stay in that place. After all....I can use that old saying...well, if God didn't want me to take them, then he wouldn't have invented them....LOL

So, today I am flying. Not just because of those 3 things. There is another really huge, really big lesson I apparently have learned, and I am giving myself a great big old atta girl for this one.....just because I am having a good day, does not mean I have to clean house, weed wack the yard, take a long walk (although I would absolutely love to do this), or anything that is going to jeopardize this good day. I still need to take it easy, to do things on a small but enjoyable level. This is not me. In the past, good days were for pushing myself to get things done, as you never know when another good day is coming. So today, I enjoy my good day. Maybe tomorrow I will also enjoy another good day, because today I learned to enjoy this day. Maybe I am on to something. It is ok to be a human being. That is what we are called. So today, I choose to be a human being, not a human doing, or a human thinking....I am a human being. I can touch Jewel Weed and be thrilled. I can feel the air on my face and enjoy the texture of it, the smell, and the sound. I can just be.

Can you?